Today I was dealt another crappy card in the game of life. First and probably the worst news I have had in a long time - I have antisperm antibodies. For those of you who don't know what they are - basically I have formed an immune response to my husbands sperm that recognizes and destroys them - usually before they ever get in. Simplified - I am allergic to the best thing that ever happened to me.
F**K - sorry there is no other word.
Infertility is a funny thing. You pray for them to find a reason that you haven't gotten pregnant for so long, but when they do its devastating. I cried when I was 24 and got diagnosed with the PCOS. I cried when I had the ovarian cyst and then cried when I found out about the lack of the cyst and the destructive surgery. I cried again when I found out I have one open tube because it was going to make the ovulation induction harder, and now I am crying some more because its not even that natural conception is unlikely for me - its pretty much never going to happen. I am never going to be one of those people that has a little whoops baby. I'm not even one of those people who will be likely to succeed without ICSI.
Sure I am already in the IVF pool ready to go and ICSI will in fact help make this a non-issue. But I am just not sure why there are so many reasons nature is telling me not to have any kids.
Its like my body is fighting against this now. Now I am up to multiple separate infertility diagnoses. Don't get me wrong - through all this I have a good uterus and I am thankful for that, and I have a great husband and if I had to choose I would rather have him than a baby - but I am really upset over the implications of having antisperm antibodies.
I have a history of an autoimmune disease called ITP. Basically a few years ago I started attacking my own platelets after a bout with mono. I got over it with the help of some very high dose steroids, but I have always been worried that one autoimmune disease will be followed by others. So here we are - more inappropriate antibodies. Its not even these I care about - its the wonder of how many more there are. Do I have undiagnosed antiphospholipid antibiodies that are just going to make me miscarry when I finally do get pregnant? Am I going to have lupus nephritis/preeclampsia at 24 weeks? Am I just freaking out right now? - well yes I am, because thats what I do - but I feel justified in my fear.
All I want to do is make a child with my husband. I don't think I am asking too much from the world and almost everything in this process has been one low blow after another after another. I'm not ready for more failure.