Friday, July 1, 2011

science has deemed me not a good fit for my husband

Today I was dealt another crappy card in the game of life.  First and probably the worst news I have had in a long time - I have antisperm antibodies.   For those of you who don't know what they are - basically I have formed an immune response to my husbands sperm that recognizes and destroys them - usually before they ever get in.  Simplified - I am allergic to the best thing that ever happened to me.

F**K  - sorry there is no other word.

Infertility is a funny thing.  You pray for them to find a reason that you haven't gotten pregnant for so long, but when they do its devastating.  I cried when I was 24 and got diagnosed with the PCOS.   I cried when I had the ovarian cyst and then cried when I found out about the lack of the cyst and the destructive surgery.  I cried again when I found out I have one open tube because it was going to make the ovulation induction harder, and now I am crying some more because its not even that natural conception is unlikely for me - its pretty much never going to happen.  I am never going to be one of those people that has a little whoops baby.  I'm not even one of those people who will be likely to succeed without ICSI.

Sure I am already in the IVF pool ready to go and ICSI will in fact help make this a non-issue.  But I am just not sure why there are so many reasons nature is telling me not to have any kids.

Its like my body is fighting against this now.  Now I am up to multiple separate infertility diagnoses.  Don't get me wrong - through all this I have a good uterus and I am thankful for that, and I have a great husband and if I had to choose I would rather have him than a baby - but I am really upset over the implications of having antisperm antibodies.

I have a history of an autoimmune disease called ITP.  Basically a few years ago I started attacking my own platelets after a bout with mono.  I got over it with the help of some very high dose steroids, but I have always been worried that one autoimmune disease will be followed by others.  So here we are - more inappropriate antibodies.  Its not even these I care about - its the wonder of how many more there are.  Do I have undiagnosed antiphospholipid antibiodies that are just going to make me miscarry when I finally do get pregnant?  Am I going to have lupus nephritis/preeclampsia at 24 weeks?  Am I just freaking out right now? - well yes I am, because thats what I do - but I feel justified in my fear.

All I want to do is make a child with my husband.  I don't think I am asking too much from the world and almost everything in this process has been one low blow after another after another.  I'm not ready for more failure.


  1. Oh goodness, reading this brought tears to my eyes. Just this week I was thinking to myself "are we the only ones who feel all the crap of the world has hit us at once?". Unfortunately it seems we aren't.
    Give yourself time to grieve you loss of natural fertility options. That's the best advise me and Hubby got when we found out too.
    Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Much love xx

  2. So sorry. I hope they find no more issues. Hopefully IVF/ICSI will be the answer!

  3. So sorry you are going through this. You can always run a m/c blood test panel to try avoid more surprises. I did that after my second failed IVF.

  4. A baby of your own is not to much to ask. Hang in there...I'm crossing my fingers (and toes) for you.

  5. I am so sorry. I know how you feel. I have been having problem after problem and feel something is telling me that maybe I shouldn't have children. It is so frustrating that something so simple, that happens to everyone, everywhere, all the time, cannot happen for us. Hopefully IVF will work for you. Hang in there.

  6. I'm really sorry. I know that feeling of the world being against you. It sucks. I know things seem really low to you now, but there are at least some options to you and it's great that you still have a chance.

    Good luck.