Sunday, July 31, 2011

are you still there?

So my clinic does not repeat betas.  Literally they checked the one and said come back when you are almost 6 weeks and we will do an ultrasound.  That's it.  Its another 2 week wait except pee sticks won't help me cheat on this one.

I am in total limbo.  I have had no pregnancy symptoms at all for 2 days - and trust me I have been poking my own boob to see if it hurts.  Nothing.

Obviously the disappearance of any symptoms I was having is making me crazy wondering if it is still there.  I thought about calling into clinic and asking them to draw one - just so I could know.  Its not that doing betas would change much for me - it doesn't make it stick any easier, but I do think it may soften the blow.  (Or just make me worry more - who knows).  I cant look for the normal signs like bleeding because I am full of progesterone anyway.  If it was low however it could help me move on with my life sooner - I'm not sure what solace that has.

Just frustrating and hard to worry this much.  I just keep telling myself I will feel better after I see the heartbeat, but something tells me I am never going to trust the future until my kids grow up and move out of the house.  I am not normally an anxious person, but this process has provoked a level of obsessiveness and insanity that is unlike me.

And so I wait again.  Wait for the reassurance or the crushing blow of the ultrasound.  Wait for anything to make me feel queasy in the meantime so I can relax a bit.  Wait for the fate that I have zero control over.  Wait for the positive feelings to come back.


  1. Stay are still pregnant! I know the wait is the worst but once you see that flicker of a heart beat or beats :) a whole new obession will have kicked in.

  2. Don't worry! So many people do not have pregnancy symptoms, hence a terrible show that capitalizes on that fact "I didn't know I was pregnant." Still, it must be hard not to have that reassurance of the beta numbers. You could still POAS!

  3. Ugh...the first tri is soooooo tough! Like so tough. Hang in there...the mental mindwarp can be brutal.

  4. don't know if this helps, but after my IVF (I was pg with my son) I didn't feel sick until about 8 weeks. i know all you can do is worry. i'd call your clinic and see if they'll do a beta. another blogger i read actually goes in for sonograms whenever she is worried.