too much of a good thing

I woke up this morning and felt really good.  No nausea, no headache - just a little discomfort.  "gee - I may be able to do this" was the thought of my mind.  Maybe the past few days weren't that bad.  Maybe I'm getting used to the estrogen levels.  So I went about my day pretty happy that my estrogen levels had come down just a tad from 4816 to 4125.  Nice little drop in the prior days and I got to take a little pinch of follistim.  I was thinking this may turn out all right.

Went to my appointment today - not much change on the sono.  They told me that we'd probably play a little catch up tonight with fsh and get some of the medium follicles more mature and retrieve on saturday.

then the call.  Estrogen level now 1290.  yep - one friggin quarter of what it was yesterday.  you know what that sounds like to me?  A whole lotta dead follicles.  A whole lotta what coulda been.

So then comes the decision.  Do we "cancel" the cycle or push ahead quickly and try to retrieve what is mature now and get way less than we anticipated.  I'm not sure how one is supposed to make that decision.

From the financial angle:
On the cancel side - it would save THOUSANDS of dollars to stop here and do it right a second time.
on the go for it side - I've just spent THOUSANDS of dollars on meds, sonos and blood draws

From the I have doctor brain angle:
Cancel=> I know that the best IVF pregnancies are good quality single embryo transfer with no hyperstim and I am way more likely to get that from a different cycle
go for it=>there's no way to tell what quality these will be until we do it

From the emotional angle:
cancel => I will be really disappointed if this does not work out well and the eggs may not be great so I may be putzing along for several frozen cycles with crap
go for it => I am really ready for this to work and we should go for it now - after all - it only really takes one embryo... right?

So I just asked my doctor what she would do and she said she would go for it and hope for the best.  So there we are.

and here I am - waiting to see how this turns out.  I'm not sure if I should feel excited, nervous, hopeful or pissed.  Its hard to know that its less than ideal.  Hard to know that it is as much money as it is to start from scratch.  But I do also know that overstimulation is a bit of a blessing because its not the opposite.  There will be follicles there to aspirate, and if we are playing a raffle, well at least I bought a lot of tickets.

Now all I need is a little luck.