I am kind of in an odd place right now. My whole world has changed in the past week and my head is spinning a bit and I'm not really sure what is going on. Don't get me wrong - I am overjoyed, but there is also the feeling that it is surreal and maybe I am just dreaming. (or maybe that this might get taken away as fast as I got it.)
I have spent lots of time, an amazing amount of energy and a decent sum of money dedicating my life and body into getting pregnant. I tried diets, exercise, LH kits, acupuncture, herbal remedies progesterone withdrawals, timed intercourse, clomid, sleeping with my legs up, ultrasounds, "just relaxing", follistim, inseminations - you name it I probably did it. Now after our first IVF, after 22 months I have finally turned from a G0 to a G1 and if all goes well I may get a child out of this and I can move forward towards the life I have envisioned. Its really kind of weird.
Maybe I should have just cut to the chase and went to IVF when I figured out that I couldn't get anything out of my ovaries. I would have avoided a lot of pain and suffering along the way. But without that process I can't say that I would be the same person or have as much appreciation for the chance I have now.
The shower went well on sunday. Armed with the knowledge of my beta, it was much more bearable, but I have to say that it was still kind of hard. Then, after spending the last 3 days listening to nothing but talk of this little 22 wk boy I realized I couldn't take it anymore. I thought as soon as I was pregnant I would be on the same page as other excited preggos. But nope. I was not. I was instead still just as annoyed by it.
It kind of put some things into perspective and made me realize that this infertility will be a part of me forever. Its not like its cured and I can just get pregnant on my own in the future - this will always be my diagnosis. But in addition I have become a stronger person who fully values the opportunity that I am being given.
Now I just wait until next week for the ultrasound to see if it keeps going. But I know now I am strong enough to handle whatever comes.