Wednesday, July 27, 2011

the odd spot

I am kind of in an odd place right now.  My whole world has changed in the past week and my head is spinning a bit and I'm not really sure what is going on.  Don't get me wrong - I am overjoyed, but there is also the feeling that it is surreal and maybe I am just dreaming.  (or maybe that this might get taken away as fast as I got it.)

I have spent lots of time, an amazing amount of energy and a decent sum of money dedicating my life and body into getting pregnant. I tried diets, exercise, LH kits, acupuncture, herbal remedies progesterone withdrawals, timed intercourse, clomid, sleeping with my legs up, ultrasounds, "just relaxing", follistim, inseminations - you name it I probably did it.  Now after our first IVF, after 22 months I have finally turned from a G0 to a G1 and if all goes well I may get a child out of this and I can move forward towards the life I have envisioned.  Its really kind of weird.

Maybe I should have just cut to the chase and went to IVF when I figured out that I couldn't get anything out of my ovaries.  I would have avoided a lot of pain and suffering along the way.  But without that process I can't say that I would be the same person or have as much appreciation for the chance I have now.

The shower went well on sunday.  Armed with the knowledge of my beta, it was much more bearable, but I have to say that it was still kind of hard.  Then, after spending the last 3 days listening to nothing but talk of this little 22 wk boy I realized I couldn't take it anymore.  I thought as soon as I was pregnant I would be on the same page as other excited preggos.  But nope.  I was not.  I was instead still just as  annoyed by it.

It kind of put some things into perspective and made me realize that this infertility will be a part of me forever.  Its not like its cured and I can just get pregnant on my own in the future - this will always be my diagnosis.  But in addition I have become a stronger person who fully values the opportunity that I am being given.

Now I just wait until next week for the ultrasound to see if it keeps going.  But I know now I am strong enough to handle whatever comes.


  1. I agree it is a part of us. I think that is ok, and allows us an experience that can shape us into better people. Keep hope going!

  2. The transition to "the other side" isn't as seamless as we assumed. In fact, given our experiences with infertility we all have managed to conjure up our fair share of assumptions as to how we will feel and what we should feel and that somehow two pink lines and a series of increasing numbers will magically heal all that has come before it. Alas, this is not the case.

    We know more, our perspective is different and well, it just is what it is. The keys as they have always has been through the whole journey are patience, faith, awareness, understanding, adaptability and flexibility. These few words will then carry through to parenthood.

    We all have our roads to travel. We all have our experiences. It's how we use them that will make the difference.

    Congrats again. It's possible you will never feel like a "normal" pregnant lady, but it doesn't matter. You are you, with your own feelings.

    Also for me, my DD is nearly two. It took me probably close to a year after she was born for me to stop thinking of her as an IVF baby and just simply as the miracle angel that she is. It doesn't mean I haven't forgotten how she came to be, but slowly, after 2 year with her and one late m/c (20wks) I am slowly letting go of IF. It no longer defines who am now, but instead is credited with why I am who I am today.


  3. Although not there yet, I think I also assumed that when it happens for us someday it would all go away. Very interesting insight on getting to "the other side" - I don't think I've really heard anyone talk about it. Keeping everything crossed for you!

  4. I think it will never really "go away." The struggle is part of who you are. I hope so much that you'll have a little on soon who will help you make it feel less immediate.

    Wishing you all sorts of luck with the u/s.

  5. Even though I have a healthy perfect baby boy, who we are so incredibly grateful for, after infertility and a loss, normal pregnant people are still hard to be around and people who don't know how lucky they are because they haven't been through it. Keeping my fingers crossed your ultrasound next week is perfect!

  6. I also don't think it will go away - I am almost at 16 weeks and still have the surreal feeling like this isn't really happening. It will always be a part of me and should/when we decide to try for another all of the meds will have to start again because it would be beyond a miracle for me to get pregnant on my own - since I have no eggs!
    Wishing you a wonderful u/s next week!

  7. I'm 19 weeks, and I still get the hurt feeling at pregnancy announcements. I don't "feel" pregnant, and barely look anything more than just fat. I have written at least 2 posts about my feelings on being a pregnant infertile. I don't get to enjoy my pregnancy because I'm so damn worried it's all going to end before the ultimate goal of holding my live baby in my arms.

    I hope you get to enjoy yours. We've all worked so hard to get where we are and we're all so worried about what might happen. We'll never be normal. So congrats to you and I hope you hav a fabulous pregnancy with the ultimate happy ending!!