Friday, June 22, 2012

Back to reality

I had to go back to work last monday . . . sigh.

Monday wasn't too bad.  MY whole clinic was a group of patients that had been waiting for me to get back from leave, and it felt good to see everyone.  I missed the little squirt, but Daddy was staying home with her and Grandma coming over to help . . . so I wasn't worried at all.

Tuesday was a little sadder, but I happened to be working close to home that day and I came home to breastfeed at lunchtime.  Made my day a lot better.

By Wednesday,  I lost it.

I just kept pulling up her photo on my iphone and staring at her, wanting to be home.

Days are her fun happy time, nights are not.  So all I get when I get home is a grumpy little munchkin that cries when she sees me.  I thought she was too young for the stare into your face and cry as soon as you get home thing.  Apparently not.


I haven't really cried too much over it - I am still happier than I was a year ago when I had only the hope of pregnancy, and a few months ago when I was physically in pain all the time and worried about having a preemie.  But the new challenge is one that will be there for the next 18 years.  The one about work life balance and the question of can I "do it all".

I think the answer is that I can do it all, but I can't do it all well all the time.  Already I feel that no matter where I am I am neglecting something.

There is a nice article on the atlantic mobile by Anne-Marie Slaughter entitled "Why women still can't have it all" talking about why she left her high powered government job for her family.  Its a nice acknowledgement that we don't all have to be superheros.

I'm not trying to be a superhero - I'm just trying to learn to function in both rolls.  Baby steps . . . I guess.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

new nightmares

okay so I had some whopping nightmares when I was pregnant - must have been the hormones.  But ever since there has been a sense of peace, and up to recently also an extreme lack of sleep.  When i would fall asleep it would be so deep I would wake up confused and incoherent.

So funny enough I have not been (at least remembering) dreaming lately . . .that is until now.

I think it is my upcoming return to work that is starting to stress me out on the subconscious level.  In actuality I think it is going to be fine, and probably nice to converse with adults again . . . . but alas my subconscious seems to be worried.

Usually my nightmares have the following in common:
1) they are usually set in school - college most often.
2) they usually have some assignment I have not completed or I am trying to cram for the final of a math class that I thought I dropped at the start of the semester
3) there is something that I usually cant accomplish and I panic until I am sobbing

So last night I had a dream that started out in a college class - I was taking an unnecessary class in summer school.  I cant remember the subject, but it was something I had already taken and it was a round-the-clock class for a week that I had to stay in a dorm for.  (Keep in mind I am not claiming it makes any sense)  I realized that I didn't really need to be enrolled in the class and all I wanted to do was spend time with the baby anyway.  So heres where it turned bad.  I went to pick up the baby from the daycare center and they wouldn't give her to me unless I completed the class.  I begged them just to let me breastfeed her and they would not let me have her.  I cried that she is having weight problems and she needed to be fed and they assured me that after sleeping 12 hours last night in her crib that she had taken 6 ounces that morning.

This is when I think I began actually panicking in my sleep because 1) the kid doesn't go more than 4-5 hours 2) she wont sleep on a flat surface and 3) she has never taken that much in a feed.  I all of a sudden felt that nobody was taking care of her and that she was in the hands of people who didn't care - and then I lost it.  I cried and begged but I could not see her.  She was locked in what resembled a psychiatric ward in a hospital and they would not release her.  Thats when I woke up crying.

I am very fortunate that my mom-in-law will be looking after the kid at first. . . so I don't know why I am panicked about daycare.  But I suppose its just separation anxiety.

Still, I haven't been away from her for more than a few hours.  I think this is just my dreams telling me it may be harder emotionally than I am prepared for.  I guess I will see soon.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Toddlers and Tiaras

Okay so I admit that occasionally watch an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras - I am a bit fascinated.  I could care less about the real housewives of whatever city because I hate the drama of adult women as there is too much in my life anyway.  But there is something about these kids and parents that I find intriguing.  Unfortunately it does not usually leave me with a positive impression of either one.

Some people have a big problem with pageants, and I can see their points.  The sexualization of prepubescent girls is an big issue, and some of the dance moves and outfits seem wrong to me.  (Fishnets on a 3 year old . . .come on!)  And the money that goes into these for coaching, outfits, makeup, tanning and hairdressers is impressive, and sometimes appears to take priority over other things.  But when it comes to childrearing, I kind of believe "to each his own".  These parents are intimately involved with their child and spend a lot of time with them doing all the above activities.  And some of these kids learn about practice and working towards a goal and good sportsmanship so it can't all be bad.

However, I think it is safe to say that I don't think I will be a pageant mom.  I can't see myself plucking my 4 year olds eyebrows and I just don't see myself emphasizing what my child looks like on the outside.  Yes I know that its a superficial world and she will have to deal with it at some point, I just want her to have some time before she has to think about what she looks like.  Although I do admit that I am biased and think she is adorable, I also admit having 700 photos on my phone of my kid is a little nutso.  I use the excise that I am enjoying being with her every day and don't want to forget her being this little, but in reality I think she is pretty cute too.

 I have been thinking about what type of mom I will be and what I want for my little girl.  The awards I want her to win are not for her beauty, her brains or her athletic ability (or lack thereof which if she takes after me will be non-existant). I have decided the best emphasis is on enjoying her childhood and enjoying learning.  When she starts school I want her to win awards for the most books read, being nice to other kids and perfect attendance.  I would like her to work hard at whatever it is that she enjoys and I hope she finds activities that she is good at and ultimately I think I will support whatever she likes as long as it is safe.

I just hope that isn't pageants.