Friday, June 22, 2012

Back to reality

I had to go back to work last monday . . . sigh.

Monday wasn't too bad.  MY whole clinic was a group of patients that had been waiting for me to get back from leave, and it felt good to see everyone.  I missed the little squirt, but Daddy was staying home with her and Grandma coming over to help . . . so I wasn't worried at all.

Tuesday was a little sadder, but I happened to be working close to home that day and I came home to breastfeed at lunchtime.  Made my day a lot better.

By Wednesday,  I lost it.

I just kept pulling up her photo on my iphone and staring at her, wanting to be home.

Days are her fun happy time, nights are not.  So all I get when I get home is a grumpy little munchkin that cries when she sees me.  I thought she was too young for the stare into your face and cry as soon as you get home thing.  Apparently not.

Guilt.

I haven't really cried too much over it - I am still happier than I was a year ago when I had only the hope of pregnancy, and a few months ago when I was physically in pain all the time and worried about having a preemie.  But the new challenge is one that will be there for the next 18 years.  The one about work life balance and the question of can I "do it all".

I think the answer is that I can do it all, but I can't do it all well all the time.  Already I feel that no matter where I am I am neglecting something.

There is a nice article on the atlantic mobile by Anne-Marie Slaughter entitled "Why women still can't have it all" talking about why she left her high powered government job for her family.  Its a nice acknowledgement that we don't all have to be superheros.

I'm not trying to be a superhero - I'm just trying to learn to function in both rolls.  Baby steps . . . I guess.

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