Wednesday, June 6, 2012

new nightmares

okay so I had some whopping nightmares when I was pregnant - must have been the hormones.  But ever since there has been a sense of peace, and up to recently also an extreme lack of sleep.  When i would fall asleep it would be so deep I would wake up confused and incoherent.

So funny enough I have not been (at least remembering) dreaming lately . . .that is until now.

I think it is my upcoming return to work that is starting to stress me out on the subconscious level.  In actuality I think it is going to be fine, and probably nice to converse with adults again . . . . but alas my subconscious seems to be worried.

Usually my nightmares have the following in common:
1) they are usually set in school - college most often.
2) they usually have some assignment I have not completed or I am trying to cram for the final of a math class that I thought I dropped at the start of the semester
3) there is something that I usually cant accomplish and I panic until I am sobbing

So last night I had a dream that started out in a college class - I was taking an unnecessary class in summer school.  I cant remember the subject, but it was something I had already taken and it was a round-the-clock class for a week that I had to stay in a dorm for.  (Keep in mind I am not claiming it makes any sense)  I realized that I didn't really need to be enrolled in the class and all I wanted to do was spend time with the baby anyway.  So heres where it turned bad.  I went to pick up the baby from the daycare center and they wouldn't give her to me unless I completed the class.  I begged them just to let me breastfeed her and they would not let me have her.  I cried that she is having weight problems and she needed to be fed and they assured me that after sleeping 12 hours last night in her crib that she had taken 6 ounces that morning.

This is when I think I began actually panicking in my sleep because 1) the kid doesn't go more than 4-5 hours 2) she wont sleep on a flat surface and 3) she has never taken that much in a feed.  I all of a sudden felt that nobody was taking care of her and that she was in the hands of people who didn't care - and then I lost it.  I cried and begged but I could not see her.  She was locked in what resembled a psychiatric ward in a hospital and they would not release her.  Thats when I woke up crying.

I am very fortunate that my mom-in-law will be looking after the kid at first. . . so I don't know why I am panicked about daycare.  But I suppose its just separation anxiety.

Still, I haven't been away from her for more than a few hours.  I think this is just my dreams telling me it may be harder emotionally than I am prepared for.  I guess I will see soon.


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  2. Prior to conceiving, despite the years of trying, I always thought I'd be willing to return in a quick and timely fashion. Little did I anticipate just how much love I'd have for this little angel that blessed my life. Fortunately, as a Canadian we have an exceptional maternity/parental leave gov't funded package so I had plenty of time to bond and grow with my child. So much so that when it came time to return to work I couldn't. The mental and physical anxiety that I experienced had me paralyzed with fear. I couldn't make sense of it, I know people go back all the time and how I'd previously been ok with returning, but when faced with the reality I just couldn't do it. So I didn't. Fortunately my skill set allows me to work from home.

    After much thought and discussion with a variety of people I concluded that I had some sort of post traumatic stress disorder from our years of infertility. It took another year before I was mentally willing and able to put my daughter into a home daycare so I could return to school full time.

    You just never know from here on out what life will give you and how you'll deal with it. It's no longer just about us.

    Good Luck.

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