and now we wait

Infertility treatments are a very funny thing.  You spend several weeks in a row working really hard to make it to appointments, give yourself shots, take pills, get ultrasounds and blood draws.  There is all sorts of anticipation and excitement regarding the time of conception - and then . . . . you wait . . . and you hope . . .  and you dream.

IVF post-transfer bedrest is even a funnier thing.  (I didn't post yesterday because it was too difficult to type on my back.)  Its not like standing up would cause the embryo to just fall out.  But was I going to take that chance?  Nope.  So I was a good girl and was compliant with all recommendations.  Took a day and a half off work (unheard of for me) and took it really light today.  I paid someone to take my call tonight and I'm only working mornings this weekend.    I've done nothing but think about this infertility process for the past several weeks but now I am supposed to just try to forget about it for a while and return to my previous life.

Its kind of hard to forget about though.  Its such in the forefront of my head - and in the forefront of my gut.

On a physical note, I'm actually pretty uncomfortable.  I'm safe to admit that to myself now where I didn't before because I wanted so badly to go through with the transfer.  I fortunately didn't get any ascites, but my ovaries are soooo enlarged that during the transfer instead of filling my bladder and using that to look at my uterus, we just looked through my huge cystic left ovary.  Lets just say that it hurt.  Quite a bit.  But I was on valium and I really wanted it to be a perfect picture of the little one going in so I certainly wasn't going to complain.  But I have been excessively sore since.  I cant even go over bumps in the car.  Eating has been a challenge and when I went back to work today there were quite a few independent comments about how much weight I have lost. (obviously not trying to do so but not much food is fitting in.)

Logically and medically I should have probably just froze them all and waited for my abdominal  cantaloupe and grapefruit to shrink down, but my heart would have hurt with the "what-if's" more than my belly if I didn't go through with it.  I'm thinking of this as a win-win situation.  Given the 62% chance in 2 weeks that I am not pregnant my body will have a bit of time to recover and the first FET will go more smoothly.  On the other hand (in the real win category) there is a 38% chance that this will work and all the pain will be worth every moment.

And so I hope  . . . . and I dream.