are you still there?

So my clinic does not repeat betas.  Literally they checked the one and said come back when you are almost 6 weeks and we will do an ultrasound.  That's it.  Its another 2 week wait except pee sticks won't help me cheat on this one.

I am in total limbo.  I have had no pregnancy symptoms at all for 2 days - and trust me I have been poking my own boob to see if it hurts.  Nothing.

Obviously the disappearance of any symptoms I was having is making me crazy wondering if it is still there.  I thought about calling into clinic and asking them to draw one - just so I could know.  Its not that doing betas would change much for me - it doesn't make it stick any easier, but I do think it may soften the blow.  (Or just make me worry more - who knows).  I cant look for the normal signs like bleeding because I am full of progesterone anyway.  If it was low however it could help me move on with my life sooner - I'm not sure what solace that has.

Just frustrating and hard to worry this much.  I just keep telling myself I will feel better after I see the heartbeat, but something tells me I am never going to trust the future until my kids grow up and move out of the house.  I am not normally an anxious person, but this process has provoked a level of obsessiveness and insanity that is unlike me.

And so I wait again.  Wait for the reassurance or the crushing blow of the ultrasound.  Wait for anything to make me feel queasy in the meantime so I can relax a bit.  Wait for the fate that I have zero control over.  Wait for the positive feelings to come back.

addicted to nausea?

So I have said that by the time I got pregnant I would actually be happy to be nauseated.  And by golly - every time I feel queezy I smile this big goofy smile.

I take this as a reassuring time that things are continuing to go forward and pump out the nausea hormones, but at a point I have started to realize that I'm getting a little addicted to it - to the point where I start to worry if I feel normal.

I really do love this feeling and yes it kind of sucks feeling like I am going to puke, but its the symbolism of it all and the reassurance of what it may represent that makes me just eat it up.  I'm pretty sure when the actual puking start and when its gone on for weeks I will no longer be so enamored with it, but for now I will take my odd enjoyment of the moment and love the nausea.

the odd spot

I am kind of in an odd place right now.  My whole world has changed in the past week and my head is spinning a bit and I'm not really sure what is going on.  Don't get me wrong - I am overjoyed, but there is also the feeling that it is surreal and maybe I am just dreaming.  (or maybe that this might get taken away as fast as I got it.)

I have spent lots of time, an amazing amount of energy and a decent sum of money dedicating my life and body into getting pregnant. I tried diets, exercise, LH kits, acupuncture, herbal remedies progesterone withdrawals, timed intercourse, clomid, sleeping with my legs up, ultrasounds, "just relaxing", follistim, inseminations - you name it I probably did it.  Now after our first IVF, after 22 months I have finally turned from a G0 to a G1 and if all goes well I may get a child out of this and I can move forward towards the life I have envisioned.  Its really kind of weird.

Maybe I should have just cut to the chase and went to IVF when I figured out that I couldn't get anything out of my ovaries.  I would have avoided a lot of pain and suffering along the way.  But without that process I can't say that I would be the same person or have as much appreciation for the chance I have now.

The shower went well on sunday.  Armed with the knowledge of my beta, it was much more bearable, but I have to say that it was still kind of hard.  Then, after spending the last 3 days listening to nothing but talk of this little 22 wk boy I realized I couldn't take it anymore.  I thought as soon as I was pregnant I would be on the same page as other excited preggos.  But nope.  I was not.  I was instead still just as  annoyed by it.

It kind of put some things into perspective and made me realize that this infertility will be a part of me forever.  Its not like its cured and I can just get pregnant on my own in the future - this will always be my diagnosis.  But in addition I have become a stronger person who fully values the opportunity that I am being given.

Now I just wait until next week for the ultrasound to see if it keeps going.  But I know now I am strong enough to handle whatever comes.

um . . .

                                                               11dp5dr Beta = 184 !!!


I'm trying not to get too excited, I'm trying to remember given my PCOS and my age and my autoimmune conditions that I need to treat this with a certain amount of respect because happiness could seriously vanish into a pad at a moments notice.

But holy shit.

It worked so far and it may keep going.

I am lost for words but filled with joy.

I think this may have worked

Sorry for no posts for a couple days - worked a 36 hr followed by date night with the hubbie (its the only night together this week).  Plus I have had MAJOR baby shower crap to get ready.

So today I was planning on testing - I liked everyones advice. But I changed my mind.  The reason I didn't was that I think I know.

I do have a weird positive vibe about me.  As a functioning pessimist, this is an odd feeling.

 In addition . . .

Reasons why I think it worked:
1) I feel like a bloodhound.  For some reason I can smell really well.  I have heard about this happening in pregnancy but certainly not this early.  I actually had a little trouble at work yesterday.
2) I am cramping like a banshee.  I have been for a week.  Again, really not what is supposed to have happened this early, but since I'm not bleeding maybe its okay.
3) throwing a baby shower should be good karma

Reasons why I think I am not pregnant:
1) I am crazy and usually can convince myself of anything
2)  I keep poking myself in the nipple to see if it hurts.  Nope.  Not at all.
3)  Odds are in fact against me
4) Only thing making me nauseated is thinking about the shower.

SO tomorrow is the big day.  Lab draw in the morning.  But no matter what happens - I think I am ready to know and to move forward with my life.   If thats forward to motherhood or a slow motion forward to a FET and then on to motherhood, the end result is the same.  I will get there.  (Theres that positivity again . . .odd!)

If I haven't gotten the call by the time the shower starts tomorrow I'm going to turn off my phone and listen to it later with the hubbie.  For some reason I feel mentally stronger to handle anything right now.

Maybe thats the best reason yet.

decisions decisions

Its amazing how little decisions and turns of fate can make your life turn into what it is.

so I'm working on some charting from home tonight, husband is working and I have the TV on in the background so I tune in to Big Brother.  Figured I would watch an episode and see what it is all about - all I have to say is this is the dumbest show ever.

Here's the irony -  I was a semi-finalalist for their first season :)  This was back when I was very young, super cute and the whole reality TV thing was just taking off.  At the time my mother had just died, my grades were not so good, and I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life.  I had seen Survivor and I know myself enough to know that I wasn't going to be eating bugs - so I applied for the show where you sit on your butt in an LA house.  Sounded like a pretty good vacation with cute boys.

Thank god they never took me.  Instead I got a job, figured out my goals, started the premed classes I needed and got my life on track.  If I hadn't missed out on the "opportunity" to be on a reality TV show, I would have probably never gotten into medical school, I wouldn't have met my husband and my life would be completely different.

So fate- maybe you do know a little - and maybe there is a reason why I am not getting the initial opportunity to get pregnant easily.  Maybe its all part of master plan to keep me on a certain path or to do something important in the meantime.  At least thats what I tell myself sometimes.

BTW . . .The producers called me back the next season and asked me to re-apply.  I declined.  That was the point where I realized that I can in fact help fate with some good decisions along the way.

to test or not to test part deux

My husband does not understand the jumping the gun mentality of the home pregnancy test.  Although I am not sure if I should partake in the self mind torturing ritual - especially since it has never really panned out before.

So for some reason my clinic does not test a beta until 11 days post 5 day transfer.  Thats a long time.  Far longer than it would take to get a beta of 20 which is the cutoff for most pee sticks.

What to do . . . what to do.

So my 11dp5dt is this sunday and I have an appointment at 8am.  This happens to be the day that I am throwing a baby shower.  I imagine this is how it will go down.

At 2 pm I will be calling baby bingo at which time my phone will ring - do I answer or let the clinic leave a message?  I can let it go to message and just check it after the shower, but how much self control do I really have?  When it comes to waiting for answers - well lets just say I know myself enough to not be able to ignore it.  I am obsessive when it comes to finding things out.  I am the type of doctor that calls the lab 15 times if a lab was sent stat and they haven't resulted it yet within the usual time parameter.

So what I will do is probably sneak away to the bathroom to check my message - but then what?  I still have to play happy hostess and center the world around the mom-to-be.  It would be an absolute disaster if I started crying and I would never be forgiven if I stole any attention for myself.

So then I start thinking about cheating the system and just checking a little early.  I certainly can and I think everyone else does.  But should I?  And if so  . . . when?

Or should I just let it go - come what may?  The answer doesn't change because I know any earlier.  Its either there or its not.  It doesn't make me any less upset once it happens - but it might make it easier to get through the day.

To test or not to test - I still don't have an answer.

Spoke too soon

Seriously the personal mind games I play with myself.  I think I spoke too soon with my previous email.

So today at work I started cramping.  Good old uterine irritation - no bleeding, just the familiar cramp. So then I analyzed and realized that with everything I know about gynecology - I have no idea what is going on inside that uterus of mine.

My first thought was - must get off my feet - this is bad.  Although if the pregnancy is not taking - there's nothing I can do about it, and if I'm cramping because nothing implanted - well then its not there anyway.

Second thought was maybe the little embie is just digging itself in and growing which would be recruiting all sorts of blood vessels to the area.  Then I thought that maybe that should have already happened.

Third thought was that I have officially moved into crazytown.  This was my smartest thought of the night.  There is certain level of obsessiveness that his disease imparts and I have certainly reached the threshold.  Goodness knows what an anxious pregnant woman I will be - that seems to be the only thing I am certain of at this point.

feeling better is supposed to be good right?

With every follistim cycle before I would usually not feel well for about 10 days after ovulation.  And then it would happen that a few days before I was ready for that pregnancy test I would feel absolutely normal.  No more discomfort, no more breast tenderness, no more mild nausea.  After a few cycles I picked up on the body cues and this is how I would know I wasn't pregnant even before I tested.  It was like I felt the hormones were going away even though I was supplementing progesterone.

At first I was really encouraged this weekend that I was feeling better and the ovaries were not so prominent, but then I woke up this morning and felt. . . . completely normal.  Then I realized I am 10 days post retrieval.  Logically I know that my progesterone levels are good because my clinic checked it yesterday (and I have the bruises to prove it). But other than some mild belly pooching it is weird that everything else has pretty much normalized.

uuuuughhh

I hope I am wrong about this.
I hope IVF is different.
I hope in 2 weeks I am huddled over the toilet with nausea.

I hope I can handle the results when they do come.

proud of my mouth and my ovary

today I reached a mini-milestone - I can no longer see my left ovary bulging through my skin :)

I'm kind of proud right now. It confirms what I know to be true which is that it is completely adhesed to my anterior abdominal wall, but at least I don't have a huge lump anymore which means that my ovaries are shrinking!  (and I do feel a LOT betrer)

Hoorray for small victories.

Also  - in response to my last post.  Yes she was there again today and yes I kept my big mouth shut.  Also a little proud of myself for that too.

i wanted to scream "none of your business"

I got a good lecturing today.  One of the few nurses who I have known for years whom I never particularly cared for personally decided she was going to really get into why I don't have kids yet.  Fortunately for her I was in a good mood.  Also fortunately I do respect her as a nurse.  She however is quite abrasive, terribly nosey and really annoying.

Yes I am the last person in my group practice to not have children.  Yes there have been 3 maternity leaves within the past year in a half and none of them have been mine.  Fully aware thanks.

nurse: "Doesn't being around all these babies just make you want to have your own".

me: "actually I've been pretty busy working lately" (avoiding)

nurse: "But don't you want a family of your own?"

me: "sure at some point" (deferring)

nurse: "you know, you either have your fun now or you have your fun later - if you don't have your kids soon you'll be too old to enjoy life when the kids finally move out of the house."

Me : starting to get annoyed, trying to focus on my charting, not responding (ignoring)

nurse being persistent:  "You shouldn't wait too long - you know how these women have difficulty if you get too old."

Me:  "Yep  I know" with a fake-o smile and then I proceeded to escape into a patients room. (leaving)


It was like every terrible intrusive stupid question I've ever heard was all in the same darn conversation.

So I ask this question:  AT WHAT POINT ARE YOU ALLOWED TO BE RUDE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE BEING RUDE BEYOND BELIEF?

I know she's socially inept.  I have known this for a long time.  But is it ever okay for me to look at her square in the face and tell her the truth and just try to make her feel as bad as she has made me feel?  Some people are ignorant and have never known of anybody that was infertile.  But this is a high-risk nurse who takes care of pregnant patients every day - there is no excuse.  Don't get me wrong - this is nothing that I haven't heard before.  And at this point its a little like water off a ducks back.  It doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to.  But am I justified to tell her to go fly a kite?

Seriously I just spent thousands upon thousands of dollars to get fairly ill so I could have a 38% chance at conceiving this cycle and I am so freaking thrilled about that because that is such a better chance than I have EVER had before.  I have never been so hopeful in the process and she just had to re-hash everything all at once.  Its just a little bit of a downer.

I just hope she't not working tomorrow because I am still so annoyed there may be a few things that inadvertently fly out of my mouth if I am not careful.

and now we wait

Infertility treatments are a very funny thing.  You spend several weeks in a row working really hard to make it to appointments, give yourself shots, take pills, get ultrasounds and blood draws.  There is all sorts of anticipation and excitement regarding the time of conception - and then . . . . you wait . . . and you hope . . .  and you dream.

IVF post-transfer bedrest is even a funnier thing.  (I didn't post yesterday because it was too difficult to type on my back.)  Its not like standing up would cause the embryo to just fall out.  But was I going to take that chance?  Nope.  So I was a good girl and was compliant with all recommendations.  Took a day and a half off work (unheard of for me) and took it really light today.  I paid someone to take my call tonight and I'm only working mornings this weekend.    I've done nothing but think about this infertility process for the past several weeks but now I am supposed to just try to forget about it for a while and return to my previous life.

Its kind of hard to forget about though.  Its such in the forefront of my head - and in the forefront of my gut.

On a physical note, I'm actually pretty uncomfortable.  I'm safe to admit that to myself now where I didn't before because I wanted so badly to go through with the transfer.  I fortunately didn't get any ascites, but my ovaries are soooo enlarged that during the transfer instead of filling my bladder and using that to look at my uterus, we just looked through my huge cystic left ovary.  Lets just say that it hurt.  Quite a bit.  But I was on valium and I really wanted it to be a perfect picture of the little one going in so I certainly wasn't going to complain.  But I have been excessively sore since.  I cant even go over bumps in the car.  Eating has been a challenge and when I went back to work today there were quite a few independent comments about how much weight I have lost. (obviously not trying to do so but not much food is fitting in.)

Logically and medically I should have probably just froze them all and waited for my abdominal  cantaloupe and grapefruit to shrink down, but my heart would have hurt with the "what-if's" more than my belly if I didn't go through with it.  I'm thinking of this as a win-win situation.  Given the 62% chance in 2 weeks that I am not pregnant my body will have a bit of time to recover and the first FET will go more smoothly.  On the other hand (in the real win category) there is a 38% chance that this will work and all the pain will be worth every moment.

And so I hope  . . . . and I dream.

Dear little embryo

To my little embryo-

You today were chosen because you were the most beautiful embryo we had ever seen.  Don't worry - we aren't expecting you to be perfect the rest of your life, but we do appreciate that you were the little star performer that started hatching before everyone else.

I hope you like your new home and find it comfortable.  I have been working hard to furnish it with nice fluffy pillows so you can just nestle in.  If your little space squeezes on you a little bit - please just hold on tight.  I will try not to move too much or jostle you around.  I really want you to like it inside me just as much as you liked it in that little petrie dish, because I am happy to have you and would like you to stay as an extended houseguest.

I am sorry to take you away from your siblings but I promise that if you do your job you will reunite with at least one of them in the future.  I know that usually you little embryos are transferred in pairs, but I didn't want you to get crowed out later.  So please stay put and I will send you lots of nutrition and love.  I make no guarantees but I think you will be happy with us - at least I know we are already thrilled with you.

Love,
mom

just sayin

I think tomorrow I will go get knocked up.

Yep . . . sounds like a plan.

Embies update

20 embies classified as "good" at cleavage stage - which I think is way better than good - I think this is just the best news ever.

Throughout this process it has been difficult to think about the far-off future - being infertile I have spent so much time focusing on the cycle at hand and then re-focusing to the next cycle when failure occurs.  I will indeed be lucky to have one healthy child if I am offered that opportunity and I hope that I can fully embrace that.

But I also realize that most families do get to the point where they want a second and have to do this all over again.  That to me has always been daunting.  How do you do it again when you are nothing but older?  Do you rush into it before you're ready because you want to avoid the poor quality and you know its going to take a ton of time and money, or do you wait and cross your fingers and hope for the best?

If we end up with several good ones to freeze then a lot of pressure comes off my future - just like that.  Less pressure to get pregnant each frozen cycle this time, less pressure to transfer multiple embryos, and less pressure to run into later if we still have some left.  After living through so much repetitive failure with infertility it is difficult to fathom that things may actually be going my way now.

We may get the family we dreamed about after all.  Its something that most fertiles don't appreciate or even think about, but it is the core of what will make my life complete.  Other than a long happy marriage to my husband, all I want is a healthy family.

Hope has returned - and this time it may be for good.

If you're easily grossed out - just skip this one

So I haven't used many blog abbreviations when I write because I tend to find them confusing.  Don't get me wrong, obgyns have the worst letter lingo ever.  One of my purely theoretical notes could read:

25 y/o G3P2 POD#2 s/p RLTCS/failed VBAC for NRFHT c/b PPH c EBL 2L s/p 2 U PRBC -- which would mean in real language that 2 days ago this poor woman was trying a vaginal birth after cesarean section and baby didn't tolerate the labor so had a repeat cesarean section with a low transverse incision on the uterus and bled out about two liters of blood and got transfused two units of packed red blood cells.

Just as a point you can see where the abbreviations come in handy.  Problem is not even everyone else in the hospital has a clue of what we are saying.  This is partially going away with electronic records but we are still culprits.  Therefore on this blog I tried not to incorporate the work ones or the blog ones for fear of getting them all confused. (I seriously wrote ttc in a patient chart one day and had to go back and correct it because while it makes sense to me it is not "approved" for charting.)

The one abbreviation that most people around the hospital appreciate is FOS.  Stands for full of . . . poop.  While we use this in common language when someone is not quite good at telling the truth - around the hospital the FOS is a little more literal.  I have even seen in on preliminary radiology reads of abdominal x-rays.  "Impression: FOS, Recommendation: bowel movement".

SO anyway today I developed quite a bit more distention and pain.  Question being is this OHSS vs. FOS??  I do not feel swollen elsewhere, my weight is stable and we are planning for a little sono on wednesday anyway to determine if we should transfer.

So I called my nurse because I never called in for OHSS with my first follistim cycle and I promised I would keep them updated this time.  Her advice - do whatever you need to do to get more comfortable otherwise we may not be able to go forward.

I told my husband this and asked if he could stop at the grocery store and pick up some milk of magnesia.  He did the math in his head and realized that transferring now will save us a few thousand dollars and a lot of time - so he came home with miralax, MOM, senna, and enemas.

Oh its going to be a fun night.

The weird things you think with insomnia

Today I woke up (way to early again) and noticed something - my rear hurts more than my ovaries :)

This leads me to several conclusions:

1) Progesterone in oil - who dreamed up this one?  In all my medical training I have never seen an oil based injection and after this I never want to put sesame oil in my bum unless its going in with some chinese food through my gut first. (but for now as with everything I will do anything asked to make it work)

2) my ovaries are behaving themselves.  Weight is stable.  Belly still poochy but I am peeing which is something that kind of stopped 2 days after ovulation the first time I had OHSS. So far so good.

3) I am manic on prednisone (which is why I can't sleep).  I've been on it before and I remember this feeling of needing to run around and clean everything.  I am normally a certified messie and right now I am channeling my mother who was the biggest neat-nik I have ever seen. (My husband is partially happy because this is the cleanest our house has been in a long time, he is partially unhappy though because I am acting like my mother whom he never met but seeing what I could be like in 20 years)

4) I really want the OHSS to stay at bay so I can have my Day 5 transfer.  I know, I know, yesterday I was completely satisfied with this cycle just knowing we had a successful harvest and I still am.  But is it terrible to be greedy at this stage?  Is it acceptable to be impatient?  I will do whatever they tell me to do. I do trust my RE that she just wants what is best for me and my future children.

5) And on that note I was laying in bed thinking last night at 3 am what a pain in the rear it must be to take care of me.  Don't get me wrong - I am a nice person, compliant and punctual.  I say please and thank you and do what I am told.  But she must be under a decent amount of stress taking care of me.  Just as there has been little privacy throughout my infertility treatment, there will be virtually none when I am an obstetrical patient.  Everyone will see my chart, everyone will see my infertility history and everyone will know who was in charge making those decisions.  Our department is run by perinatologists (high-risk pregnancy docs) who when things go poorly have been known to verbally assault the RE's with "what were you thinking" questions.  (this mostly comes when discussing higher order multiples and how they happened, but when anything goes wrong in an IVF pregnancy from within the department there is scrutiny.)  So if I end up with a high risk pregnancy - I am sure the department chair may not be too pleased.

So I will listen, say please and thank you and do what I am told.  But I will be hoping that we can move forward for a day 5- because I am ready and hopefully one of those embryos will be too.

JOY

25 embryos is our day 2 count!!!

This is how I have dreamed I would feel when I see a + pregnancy test.  I have imagined for so long how good that moment would feel and even thought I am not there yet - even thought it could be months before I get to the pregnancy part . . . well I am feeling that good now.

So far the result is just plain awesome and I am taking this moment in as a sign that we can get there.

We are blessed and I am ecstatic!

I am the Harvest Winner!!!!

Through all my infertility treatments not only has there been a constant theme of failure, but there has been the constant thought of "I hate my ovaries".  They got me into this mess first (sure I've got antibodies and scar tissue and one questionable tube), but the major factor has always been by inability to ovulate and my overwhelming sensitivity (or lack there of) to medications.  No response at all to clomid but they exploded to cantaloupe size with the most recent regimen (and then subsequently got starved which led to plummeting estrogen levels).

Needless to say I was really worried about the egg retrieval.  My RE had estimated that we were going to get 6-10 mature follicles.  Don't get me wrong - after years of doing initial infertility workups and diagnosing a lot of diminished ovarian reserve, I am fully aware of how lucky I am even to get that and how low reserve is just a terrible terrible thing to have to deal with.  I was so aware of age and difficulties with conception it I begged my husband to start trying way before we were married - - but thats a funny story and I will save it for another post.

So yes 6-10 would have been good, but I was hoping that if I had this much ovarian enlargement/discomfort/nausea/risk of complications that we could get a few more so I might never have to go through a stimulation cycle again.  A little greedy I know, but I can't say this has been too easy.

So please don't take this as bragging, but this is the best announcement since hearing that my husband has perfect sperm.  They sucked out 40 eggs yesterday and 18 were mature!!!!  I am flabbergasted that I put out this many - the nurse even patted me on the back and whispered that I did better than some of their donors.  I feel like I won the grand prize.  My husband and I keep looking at each other and smiling little goofball smiles.  I know its not an actual pregnancy and I don't know how many are going to fertilize, but it means that the process is at least going to get a bit easier at this point and I have never been so happy with my ovaries.  I know its not my "fault" but I feel like I finally did something right.  Its like a mixture of joy at my luck and pride that I stuck it through.

I will say however that it is not all good news.  We may have to cancel egg transfer for this cycle.  Kind of a bummer because it means that there will of course be more waiting, more money for frozen cycles, less chance of pregnancy if they are frozen.

As much as I am doing the happy dance around the house because of the number we got - I am fully aware that this was NOT how it was supposed to go and that the hyperstim from this could be pretty extreme.  I know this partially because the happy dance (and even walking) is pretty uncomfortable with my massive abdomen thats about to get worse, and that I have been up since 4am because I couldn't take the nausea anymore.  I also know the very early data about complications of pregnancies with OHSS - and while not the worst thing in the world - I have to keep reminding myself that the goal here is not just a baby, but the healthiest baby I can make.

So while I am not there yet - its a good first step.  We'll see later this morning how many embryos there are.  But for now I am uncomfortable but insanely happy.

too much of a good thing

I woke up this morning and felt really good.  No nausea, no headache - just a little discomfort.  "gee - I may be able to do this" was the thought of my mind.  Maybe the past few days weren't that bad.  Maybe I'm getting used to the estrogen levels.  So I went about my day pretty happy that my estrogen levels had come down just a tad from 4816 to 4125.  Nice little drop in the prior days and I got to take a little pinch of follistim.  I was thinking this may turn out all right.

Went to my appointment today - not much change on the sono.  They told me that we'd probably play a little catch up tonight with fsh and get some of the medium follicles more mature and retrieve on saturday.

then the call.  Estrogen level now 1290.  yep - one friggin quarter of what it was yesterday.  you know what that sounds like to me?  A whole lotta dead follicles.  A whole lotta what coulda been.

So then comes the decision.  Do we "cancel" the cycle or push ahead quickly and try to retrieve what is mature now and get way less than we anticipated.  I'm not sure how one is supposed to make that decision.

From the financial angle:
On the cancel side - it would save THOUSANDS of dollars to stop here and do it right a second time.
on the go for it side - I've just spent THOUSANDS of dollars on meds, sonos and blood draws

From the I have doctor brain angle:
Cancel=> I know that the best IVF pregnancies are good quality single embryo transfer with no hyperstim and I am way more likely to get that from a different cycle
go for it=>there's no way to tell what quality these will be until we do it

From the emotional angle:
cancel => I will be really disappointed if this does not work out well and the eggs may not be great so I may be putzing along for several frozen cycles with crap
go for it => I am really ready for this to work and we should go for it now - after all - it only really takes one embryo... right?

So I just asked my doctor what she would do and she said she would go for it and hope for the best.  So there we are.

and here I am - waiting to see how this turns out.  I'm not sure if I should feel excited, nervous, hopeful or pissed.  Its hard to know that its less than ideal.  Hard to know that it is as much money as it is to start from scratch.  But I do also know that overstimulation is a bit of a blessing because its not the opposite.  There will be follicles there to aspirate, and if we are playing a raffle, well at least I bought a lot of tickets.

Now all I need is a little luck.

estrogenized

My estrogen level is 4500. (So much for not wanting to exceed 3000 - and thats after no meds for a couple days).  And the best part is my (previously) normal ovary is 8 cm.  Robusto!

Can I also just say . . . . Nauseating.  No literally I feel like puking.  I went to a BBQ yesterday and managed to eat a few chips and dip, 4 cherry tomatoes, 3 pieces of lettuce, a bite of steak and about 6 strawberries.  Oh and that was the most I've eaten in days.

Today I gave up the ghost - Zofran to the rescue - and boy do I feel better.  I feel like I can even go higher. So bring it on eggies.  My stomach may be weak but I have a helper now.  Please just don't stroke me out or torse my ovaries and I may be okay.

I CAN DO THIS!

I've got huevos!!!

And I am overstimulated.  Great.  Perfect.

Stupid body.  I have so many darn follicles and none are dominant or big enough to grow on their own, and yet, my estrogen levels are too high to keep going.  They have literally stopped my meds.  Fantastic.

Well I guess we shall see if they keep growing or not.  I really am going to be peeved if this whole thing yeilds one good egg that doesn't even take.  With an antral follicle count of 58 and more eggs than they can count I am really hoping they can pull a lot out.  Is that really greedy?  Yes I admit it I want a lot of eggs harvested and I want a lot of embryos to fertilize.  I'm not asking for triplets or anything, but it makes this first run so much less crucial if I've got some more stored in the freezer for next month.

And ideally now that we've deemed it to improbable to do anything other than IVF, it would be nice to have a little freezer stock for down the road.  Yes I know I am feeling a little greedy here but I also feel that something has to go my way.  If nothing else I am younger than the average IVF patient and I should at least have time and eggs on my side.

Unfortunately I just have too many of them to even keep going with the usual treatment.

analogy

My friend said something last night that was kind of perfect.   "It’s like you got run over by a car and you are still holding on to the bumper and getting dragged down the street.  Yes it sucks that you got hit by the truck but just let go of the bumper already".  She’s right.  The whole thing blows but it only gets worse if I sit here and be upset about it, it will keep dragging me down – so I am letting go now.  I may be injured lying in the middle of a street bleeding, but I just can’t let this stress me out right now.  I am in the middle of an important process and sanity is difficult to keep on my side.

science has deemed me not a good fit for my husband

Today I was dealt another crappy card in the game of life.  First and probably the worst news I have had in a long time - I have antisperm antibodies.   For those of you who don't know what they are - basically I have formed an immune response to my husbands sperm that recognizes and destroys them - usually before they ever get in.  Simplified - I am allergic to the best thing that ever happened to me.

F**K  - sorry there is no other word.

Infertility is a funny thing.  You pray for them to find a reason that you haven't gotten pregnant for so long, but when they do its devastating.  I cried when I was 24 and got diagnosed with the PCOS.   I cried when I had the ovarian cyst and then cried when I found out about the lack of the cyst and the destructive surgery.  I cried again when I found out I have one open tube because it was going to make the ovulation induction harder, and now I am crying some more because its not even that natural conception is unlikely for me - its pretty much never going to happen.  I am never going to be one of those people that has a little whoops baby.  I'm not even one of those people who will be likely to succeed without ICSI.

Sure I am already in the IVF pool ready to go and ICSI will in fact help make this a non-issue.  But I am just not sure why there are so many reasons nature is telling me not to have any kids.

Its like my body is fighting against this now.  Now I am up to multiple separate infertility diagnoses.  Don't get me wrong - through all this I have a good uterus and I am thankful for that, and I have a great husband and if I had to choose I would rather have him than a baby - but I am really upset over the implications of having antisperm antibodies.

I have a history of an autoimmune disease called ITP.  Basically a few years ago I started attacking my own platelets after a bout with mono.  I got over it with the help of some very high dose steroids, but I have always been worried that one autoimmune disease will be followed by others.  So here we are - more inappropriate antibodies.  Its not even these I care about - its the wonder of how many more there are.  Do I have undiagnosed antiphospholipid antibiodies that are just going to make me miscarry when I finally do get pregnant?  Am I going to have lupus nephritis/preeclampsia at 24 weeks?  Am I just freaking out right now? - well yes I am, because thats what I do - but I feel justified in my fear.

All I want to do is make a child with my husband.  I don't think I am asking too much from the world and almost everything in this process has been one low blow after another after another.  I'm not ready for more failure.