Wednesday, May 18, 2011

conversational anxiety

I had a moment today when I was walking to/from meetings with several colleges and I realized
1) they were ALL carrying their breast pumps
2) the topic of conversation was baby acne and how you can't pick it even though you want to

When I developed into my full nerd-dom in college I developed a hint of social anxiety.  I was doing nothing but pulling all-nighters in the computer lab for my programming class I realized that I had nothing interesting to talk about at parties.  Going to a frat party - not only was I the sober sister, but also the one who kept from doing much socializing . ..  unless I could talk about the most recent assignment with another fellow nerd.

Well today was the entirety in reverse.  Now I am thought of as the "cool kid" because I can talk about adult topics . . . but I still don't at all fit in.  Again I have nothing to say.  I cannot comment about my favorite brand of diapers or complain about how much I am paying for child care.  I don't know what it is like to want to pick my baby's face or how much I miss them when I am at work.  If I try to talk about normal things the conversations always return to talk about their babies.

I realized there is no anxiety in it anymore - just boredom.  I will care about all these things one day - but right now I am just uninterested in the conversation.  Infertility can be isolating but I wonder how much of it is self chosen.

1 comment:

  1. I have been feeling a lot of isolation lately, i am so glad that you wrote about this. Thinking of you!!!