Yesterday was kind of a big day. Had the "lets get your cycle going / we want your money up front now" appointment. I didn't think much of it before I went in. I was just so relieved that my period actually showed up the night before so I didn't have to cancel.
made a few realizations;
1) Other than the down payment on my house, I have never dropped so much money in one place at one time. It was so bad that within 1 hour I had gotten calls from my bank and my credit card companies fraud departments asking me to verify the purchases.
2) My estrogen levels are undetectable and I'm having hot flashes. (thank goodness because this is what we were going for). Its been REALLY HOT with 90% humidity where I work. Oh - and the air conditioner broke. But I realized that no matter how hot I feel, I don't think its that bad. Realization #2: I may do okay when I get to menopause.
3) Realization 3: This may have been day#1 of my pregnancy - sure I know I am not pregnant yet but when we look back as OBs to calculate due dates we generally go from the first day of the last menstrual period. It was at this point that I realized that the hope had returned to the process. Everything I felt about this IVF cycle being expensive and may not work evaporated and I started thinking that this may be the first day of the rest of my life. This may actually take. I may get a baby from this process. Its a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. Even with the last few follistim cycles - this feeling wasn't really there. Sure I was going though the motions with my fingers crossed, but logically and emotionally I knew it has a slim chance of panning out.
So all day yesterday I felt a little giddy, fairly positive and kind of happy. It was a nice feeling until I logged on to check my bank account for something and I saw a number much lower than it was before. I may not spend a lot of money on myself - but for me this is literally the price of happiness.