Saturday, June 11, 2011

cold feet

I am really second guessing my decision to go forward with IVF and I have been having these feelings for weeks.   I haven't said anything to anyone yet because I have been a train going 70 mph on a straight downhill track the entire time and pushing everything along that it just seems like a derailment for me to stop.  At first I thought maybe I just needed some more time off to mentally and physically recover from everything that I have been through over the entire time ttc and the last year of failed infertility treatments since I just hit my anniversary.  I thought a little time on the pill and a little time without injections and ultrasounds would rejuvenate me.  So far though, the motivation has not returned even though I have been going through the motions.

Then I thought that maybe this is my subconscious telling me that I am not really ready for a baby.  (gasp)   Maybe it would be good to focus on my career a bit more, maybe work towards a promotion.  Its a terrible time at work now and for at least the next year, and if I take any significant time off work the clinic may implode.  The bank account is going to be quite rocked by IVF and I wont have any money left over for childcare let alone a maternity leave if I go though it now.  Logically and rationally this is not the best time in my life, and if I am doing IVF anyway I could wait a year or two.

But today I realized what is going on inside my head.  Because of bosses's multiple summer vacations and husbands terrible work schedule there is no other time than the dates we have chosen in early July.  I received my tentative calendar from the clinic of when everything is scheduled and I realize that the day I am throwing my sister-in-laws baby shower is the day I will get my pregnancy test results.


How am I EVER going to be able to handle this?  What did I do in my life to deserve this kind of torture from fate?  Why along every step of this journey have I had to be around so many darn pregnant people?  I feel like I should congratulate myself on making it this far, but I'm not sure I can keep going with work the way it is.  And why of all days for my sister-in-law to pick to come to town and my scheduling to necessitate did these things have to fall in line?

I'm NOT going to be able to handle this - I have already lost it to some degree.  This is the most terrified I have been in my adult life.  As I sit here writing this I am crying because I am just so scared of this failing.  There are no other options after this.  This is it.  The only option is to dare to repeat it.  There are great statistics that say that "most people who conceive with IVF do so in the first 3 cycles", but then what?  What if I'm not one of those?  What if I throw our entire savings and then go into debt for 3 cycles and get nothing out of it?  A friend of mine just blew through 100K on 4 cycles and genetic testing - she never got pregnant.  What if I fail?  How will I ever be able to forgive myself?  How will I ever be able to forgive fate/god/whatever power controls these things?

Some people have commented that I have been strong throughout this to do what I do for a living and be able to get though it.  Well . . . the strength is all gone.  I am spineless lump of jello on the floor just waiting to melt.  There is nothing left here but fear.

You can't fail what you don't try, and just about now I am standing on the diving board at the deep end of the pool waiting to run backwards off the steps.  This whole process has been soul crushing.  If I fail this I don't think my soul will ever recover.  I don't know if I can take that chance.


  1. Hang in there. Five years ago, when my wife am I were two years into the IF tests and cheap treatment options (that's a joke), we were always reading these blogs, and often angry, hurt, and discouraged. It was hard to have fertility problems as a man, and my wife did as well. We were given a referral from my father-in-law to try BeeFertile, a kit for men and women, made up of natural supplements. I would try anything at that point, and am blessed to say, that after three months of BeeFertile, we had our first ever PPT. I hope that everyone here will have the blessing of a child in their life, whichever method they use.

  2. You CAN and WILL get through this. Look at what you've come through so far. It truly is a crappy draw to have to throw that shower on pregnancy test day and Lord knows you've been through the ttc wringer in the last year and with your have more strength than you realize. Pull on it now. I'm expecting a BFP for you in a few weeks time so hang on by your fingernails. You can do it....I believe in you.

  3. Nothing you could ever do would cause you to "deserve" this. You didn't cause this. I have skipped many baby showers, baptisms and even first birthday parties. I have never had a problem telling people no when it comes to saving my emotional sanity. I understand you are throwing the shower, but really you don't have to. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, especially when it comes to IF. I know the feeling of the fear of failure all too well. Sometimes this quote gives me a little peace...
    "Everything will be okay in the end. If its not okay, its not the end."
    Praying for you.

  4. IVF is most definitely the scariest thing I've ever chosen to do. It took me 3 years to get enough nerve to go through with it. I have pretty decent insurance coverage and am blessed to have that. It covers 3 IVF cycles. My husband and I talked through a lot of options and decided we were going to do whatever we had coverage for to try for a baby. I tried to back out multiple times. My husband was my rock and reminded me we had to do this if we wanted to have a baby.

    There is no convenient time to try for a baby. We'd all be 100 if we waited until we are ready. It's a frightening thought and experience. Going through everything and not being able to know if it will be successful is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

    I was lucky enough to get pregnant on my first IVF try, but I've got a long way to go before I admit it was a successful know until there's a baby alive and breathing in my arms.

    Whatever your decision, it's your decision to make. I will support you no matter what. You have to do what is right for you. Timing sucks....but maybe you can ask your RE to call the day after the shower. It can't hurt.

    Wishing you the best of luck and hoping the decision comes easy to you. I know it's hard, especially with what you do, but keep hoping and know we're all here to support you!

  5. I'm having some of these same thoughts as we contemplate starting IVF.

    I'm so sorry that this has hit you so hard and you're feeling so down and uncertain about all of it. I know that you will make it through it, though. "Strong" doesn't mean that you won't sometimes end up in a weepy puddle on the floor. It just means that you'll make it through somehow and come out the other side. I wish I could say that we'd all end up with a baby on the other end. I can't. But, I know that you have the strenght to make the decisions that are best for you and help you make it beyond the craptastic place you find yourself in now. (Seriously, that couldn't be worst timing.)

  6. As much as we want this family, the timing was never going to be right. And If I knew that we could wait and do this in five years and that it would be successful, we might have waited. But it just doesn't work like that, at least for us it wasn't going to be a better option.

    Deciding to move forward with IVF was really scary for me too. I couldn't even talk about it for weeks after we made the decision. It just felt so big, and serious, and certain. For us, it was the right choice.

    and remembering that every step of this process is YOUR choice is important. If you need to put the brakes on this runaway train, you can. Your mental health is SO SO important. You are strong, but you shouldn't have to be carrying such a huge weight on your own. It sounds like a heart to heart with your husband, and maybe a good session with your therapist might be in order. We got to be taking care of YOU!

  7. It is a tough decision, but one that only you can make. IVF is scary, and a huge life event- I'm sure you'll do what is best for you and your husband. Good Luck!

  8. Ivf is a big step and a bro or bfn are so much more intense because of it. You really need to be in a place where you can cope with the results whatever they are. That being said, there is never going to be a good time. Money is always going to be a stress and work will always be a problem. After 5 failed IVFs including a DE IVF, we are finally pg, ut money is tight and definitely a source for stress, but we are not regretting our decisions at all.

    Whatever you choose will be what's best for you. But if you are going to do ivf, my advice is sooner than later. Oh and for the results, have the. Ruse leave a message and only check after the shower. Good luck making your decision.

  9. After 4 yrs of IF treatments (9IUI's) IVF was the "logical" next step. But truth be told it was terrifying and I had huge issues with the fact that the further invested we became, the less control I seemed to have. So I stopped. I wanted to move forward with IVF from the right place, I didn't want it to be a decision of desperation, nor did I want it to be a choice made in a hormonal haze from the meds I'd been on.

    I went on to regain my life that summer. I lived, loved and laughed. As I found myself again, the desire for a child never ceased. The missing link never faded. I meditated and travelled through my subconscious and finally found a place where I felt we were moving forward with IVF for the right reasons. It took me a year.

    It failed miserably and I crumbled and melted into a puddle on the floor. I was just so sure we were doing the right thing and that the right thing would have the right result. It was devastating, but I can say now, that had I not taken that time to get myself into the right place, my recovery wouldn't have been as successful. Even still it took another 9 months before we did our first FET. A chemical pregnancy gave me a boost I'd never had before. The following FET didn't take, but I was ok with it as the embryo quality had me a little worried that had it succeeded and our child had any challenges I would have felt guilt for "forcing" things through.

    A couple months later we did our 2nd Fresh IVF. A place I truly was never supposed to be, a place I'd never been able to imagine. Yet, also a place where I knew, that regardless of the result I was done and ok with it.

    Our total journey took 5 yrs and 10months to conceive our angel, but I can tell you I met her long before her physical conception. I knew in my heart she was meant to be. So much so that I wrote her a letter before our transfer - a letter to HER, to ELLY, by name.

    I assumed with her I was over being infertile. Truth is, I'm not. We lost our son at 20weeks 2 days just a few months ago. But I'm still here - One of the "Strong" ones people say. People don't understand why we do what we do, how we endure our challenges, why we don't give up.

    The answer is simple.

    We believe. We believe and we love our angels. We are a family of four, but our 2nd DD has yet to make the choice to join us just yet. Neither of us are quite ready, but like with Elly, I know her in my heart already. We're bonding.

    I guess, what I'm trying to get at is simple... I believe in you. I believe in your angels. I know your fears, I've lived them myself. I also know the rewards and the sorrows and the losses. I've cried tears and felt pains, I've got memories no Mother should have to endure. And also the experience to show that the happiness is worth the risk, the chance and that a life with no regrets is an amazing life to live.

    Good luck.


  10. along this craptacular journey I can't count how many times I was sure I could no longer handle "it" and after crushing blows of bfn's from ivf, a cet, and some miscarriages there were days (hell weeks) when i was certain i would never be able to pull myself off the damn floor (or out from under my bed). then i realized at some point, it wasn't MY strength that has repeatedly gotten me up or out from under my bed, it was the women who I've met in this virtual world who support me that make it possible to keep on keeping on. They prop me up when i don't have the strength, or desire to do so my self. They pray for me when I'm so angry at every diety I could spit rather than look to them. They hold my hope for me.
    its ok if you think and feel you're not strong enough to do this-because all of us here know you are, will be here for you, will pray for you and hold hope for you.
    11000 hits is a lot of support, now go on, you can do this :)

  11. Just do the IVF. As someone else said, if you wait for the "right" time, you will wait forever. If it works, you will find a way for all of the rest on way or another. As for the shower on your test result day, it is always possible that your calendar will be shifted a day or two in either direction so that it won't fall on the same day. If it does fall on the same day, you could wait until the next day to test, have the RE wait a day to call you with the results, or test at home that morning so that you will most likely already know the result.