I am really second guessing my decision to go forward with IVF and I have been having these feelings for weeks. I haven't said anything to anyone yet because I have been a train going 70 mph on a straight downhill track the entire time and pushing everything along that it just seems like a derailment for me to stop. At first I thought maybe I just needed some more time off to mentally and physically recover from everything that I have been through over the entire time ttc and the last year of failed infertility treatments since I just hit my anniversary. I thought a little time on the pill and a little time without injections and ultrasounds would rejuvenate me. So far though, the motivation has not returned even though I have been going through the motions.
Then I thought that maybe this is my subconscious telling me that I am not really ready for a baby. (gasp) Maybe it would be good to focus on my career a bit more, maybe work towards a promotion. Its a terrible time at work now and for at least the next year, and if I take any significant time off work the clinic may implode. The bank account is going to be quite rocked by IVF and I wont have any money left over for childcare let alone a maternity leave if I go though it now. Logically and rationally this is not the best time in my life, and if I am doing IVF anyway I could wait a year or two.
But today I realized what is going on inside my head. Because of bosses's multiple summer vacations and husbands terrible work schedule there is no other time than the dates we have chosen in early July. I received my tentative calendar from the clinic of when everything is scheduled and I realize that the day I am throwing my sister-in-laws baby shower is the day I will get my pregnancy test results.
How am I EVER going to be able to handle this? What did I do in my life to deserve this kind of torture from fate? Why along every step of this journey have I had to be around so many darn pregnant people? I feel like I should congratulate myself on making it this far, but I'm not sure I can keep going with work the way it is. And why of all days for my sister-in-law to pick to come to town and my scheduling to necessitate did these things have to fall in line?
I'm NOT going to be able to handle this - I have already lost it to some degree. This is the most terrified I have been in my adult life. As I sit here writing this I am crying because I am just so scared of this failing. There are no other options after this. This is it. The only option is to dare to repeat it. There are great statistics that say that "most people who conceive with IVF do so in the first 3 cycles", but then what? What if I'm not one of those? What if I throw our entire savings and then go into debt for 3 cycles and get nothing out of it? A friend of mine just blew through 100K on 4 cycles and genetic testing - she never got pregnant. What if I fail? How will I ever be able to forgive myself? How will I ever be able to forgive fate/god/whatever power controls these things?
Some people have commented that I have been strong throughout this to do what I do for a living and be able to get though it. Well . . . the strength is all gone. I am spineless lump of jello on the floor just waiting to melt. There is nothing left here but fear.
You can't fail what you don't try, and just about now I am standing on the diving board at the deep end of the pool waiting to run backwards off the steps. This whole process has been soul crushing. If I fail this I don't think my soul will ever recover. I don't know if I can take that chance.