Thursday, March 17, 2011


I am not sure how to balance optimism.  People tell you to just be optimistic - like the lack of optimism in your attitude is the source of the infertility.  Its kind of like people telling you to "just relax" -- um . . . tried that . . . thanks for the advice.  But how do you maintain optimism without getting your hopes up?

I am a huge pessimist when it comes to my life.  I think that comes from watching my mothers brutal battle with cancer for so long.  Everything that happened . . . none of it was good.  One bad thing after another after another.  Got to the point where you just expect the news to be bad.  As I have now incorporated that expectation pattern into my own life.  Don't get me wrong. . . . I lead a charmed life.  I have enough to eat, I have a job, I love my husband. . . life is good.  But when it comes to medical things in my own health, I have a hard time figuring out how not to expect the worst.

I'm generally however a positive person when it comes to others.  I am an encourager, a reassure-er and a cheerleader for others.  I try to use some of this optimism on myself, but every time I do I end up getting let down even harder.   And the over and over disappointment does not exactly reinforce good mental happy thoughts.

At first my DH was just telling me I needed to be more positive and he was super encouraging.   Now after 9 months of failed infertility treatments, he is starting to see my reasoning.  Instead of keeping his positivity, he is putting on a protective shell.  I don't want him to turn into me.  If I ever do get pregnant, I don't think it will be a very optimistic road knowing everything that can go wrong.  I probably won't feel completely comfortable until the kid leaves for college.  But I don't want the DH to feel this way too.  I need him as my rock and to continue to put me into place when I am being a little insane.

I don't think there is a happy medium to this issue.  The only way I am balancing it right now is through ignoring it and distracting myself.  So with the next pregnancy test around the corner I am going to continue to focus on other things.  I will ride the wave of fate and accept what comes.  And all the while I will keep working on the IVF bank account.


  1. I'm not really sure that it mattered. My BFP cycle, I was fairly pessimistic about it not working. (In fact, I was researching taking an IVF-cation because IVF is ridiculously cheaper in other countries with very qualified doctors some even that also work in the US...) So, try not to beat yourself up for feeling negative, I think it's normal, like a self-protection mechanism.

  2. I wish I knew how to balance it! I have the same problem. And, yes, trying to distract myself seems to be the best way.

    On that note -- I'm sending lots of positive thoughts your way! :)

  3. New reader just popping by. I'm sorry about the BFN and not getting to have your very own moment.

    I also wanted to comment on the concept of balance and optimism. After nearly 6 years of infertility, 9 IUI's, 2 surgeries, 2 IVFs and 2 FETs we achieved a successful pregnancy and have a DD. A month ago, we lost our healthy son at 20weeks gestation due to an incompetent cervix.
    I have been tempted into the comforts of darkness that failure can offer. I have cried tears that only the truly broken hearted can cry. I guess, what I'm saying is - I can relate.

    What I learned through my many years of travel through this mess of a fertility land, is that those moments of hope, those moments of faith and even the brief moments of happiness - they add up. Collect them as you find them. Enjoy them when they come. Savour them like a fine wine or a good meal. Keep them close to your heart because you never know when the next moment will come.

    It's easy to want to walk away from hope. It's easier at times to disconnect from faith and to want to give up. But I swear to you, the best things in life are worth working for and that goes for a simple smile.

    Take your moments to grieve and accept failure. But don't hold onto it. Don't welcome that sorrow into your heart. Grab hold of the little moments, the good ones and smile when you can.

    Best of luck to you.


  4. PS... You don't need to "be" more positive. Be you, but make the effort to enjoy the little bits of positive when they come - who knows, maybe you'll appear more positive. But that's not the point. It's about how you feel inside you in the end. Be happy with you.