I am not sure how to balance optimism. People tell you to just be optimistic - like the lack of optimism in your attitude is the source of the infertility. Its kind of like people telling you to "just relax" -- um . . . tried that . . . thanks for the advice. But how do you maintain optimism without getting your hopes up?
I am a huge pessimist when it comes to my life. I think that comes from watching my mothers brutal battle with cancer for so long. Everything that happened . . . none of it was good. One bad thing after another after another. Got to the point where you just expect the news to be bad. As I have now incorporated that expectation pattern into my own life. Don't get me wrong. . . . I lead a charmed life. I have enough to eat, I have a job, I love my husband. . . life is good. But when it comes to medical things in my own health, I have a hard time figuring out how not to expect the worst.
I'm generally however a positive person when it comes to others. I am an encourager, a reassure-er and a cheerleader for others. I try to use some of this optimism on myself, but every time I do I end up getting let down even harder. And the over and over disappointment does not exactly reinforce good mental happy thoughts.
At first my DH was just telling me I needed to be more positive and he was super encouraging. Now after 9 months of failed infertility treatments, he is starting to see my reasoning. Instead of keeping his positivity, he is putting on a protective shell. I don't want him to turn into me. If I ever do get pregnant, I don't think it will be a very optimistic road knowing everything that can go wrong. I probably won't feel completely comfortable until the kid leaves for college. But I don't want the DH to feel this way too. I need him as my rock and to continue to put me into place when I am being a little insane.
I don't think there is a happy medium to this issue. The only way I am balancing it right now is through ignoring it and distracting myself. So with the next pregnancy test around the corner I am going to continue to focus on other things. I will ride the wave of fate and accept what comes. And all the while I will keep working on the IVF bank account.