Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days - I'm in the middle of a 60 hours in 4 days stretch. (and yes I am tired)
Given that fatigue it makes me wonder - is the very thing that I am doing that allows me to afford all of this inhibiting it all from working? This dawned on me in the middle of the night when I sat down for a few minutes in the middle of a string of c-sections and realized I was cramping. Not the 'I've just ovulated' little ovary pain. . . . nope this was full blown uterus get ready for your period cramping (but I've got 1.5 weeks before thats supposed to come back). So for as much as last nights shift contributed less than the cost of the follistim for one cycle, being exhausted and overworked could have possibly blown the whole thing. (Or if I go positive for a moment could it be the pain associated with a 5 day blastocyst implanting itself - probably not because I don't think it hurts, but a nice thought).
This got me thinking and I had a little geek epiphany . . . Okay I'm about to get a little nerdy here but hang with me . . . .
Infertility is like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
What's the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle?
Oh good I was soooo hoping you would ask! (okay lets see if I can break down quantum mechanics .. .)
So according to Wikipedia:
"states by precise inequalities that certain pairs of physical properties, such as position and momentum, cannot be simultaneously known to arbitrarily high precision. That is, the more precisely one property is measured, the less precisely the other can be measured."
Say you have a particle in a box that is moving around and you want to know 2 things:
1) where it is right now?
2) how fast is it traveling?
What the principle says is that the very act of trying to measure one of these things screws up the other. (may not work in real life because my I phone can tell me both pretty easily . . . but for particles it tends to make more sense)
Hang on . . . we're almost there. . . (My quantum physics professor would be appalled that this is the only thing I remember from his entire class, and even more disappointed that I think this is the only practical application - but alas, there is not much particle physics in everyday life.)
So heres how it applies - I feel that the very act of thinking about infertility makes the possibility of getting beyond it that much less likely. I think it may be the only truth to the advice "just relax and it will happen". (Although, while I have heard that this works for some people, let me just tell you . . . I just relaxed . . . and I'm still here trying.)
I have tried so hard to do everything right. I think about daily where I am in the process and what comes next and the "what if this" and the "what if that". I spend lots of time driving to and from appointments and talking with insurance companies and pharmacies. I can't say that I am especially stressed out about the whole thing, because for as negative as I can be I know that this will ultimately work if for no other reason that I will not give up. But there is only so much I can backburner it in my head and only so much I can forget about what I want when I stare at the newborn I just delivered and the look of absolute joy of the mom when I hand the baby to her.
So is the act of thinking about it and the act of doing things to make it happen (i.e. working a 30 hr shift over last night and another one tomorrow) the cause for the lack of success? I don't know. I don't think I am going to win the lottery anytime soon so I am probably stuck. Whatever happens I just want to stop feeling like I am being counterproductive. I wish there was an intermediate at this point to tell me that I am on my way and just need a little more time to make it work, but alas there is nothing. And I fear after last night that may be my own fault - but I don't see another way.