seriously unsexy

Oh infertility and PCOS - how you make me feel so . . . gosh darn unsexy . . . let me count thine ways:

1) The fact that I am sitting here typing this waiting the requisite 8 minutes before I can wash the bleach off my upper lip before it dissolves the skin off.  Sally Hansen - let me tell you . . . your product does not have a nice almond smell, it smells like bleach and burns like hell.

2) The odd sensation from the prometrium.  I got on a Michael Jackson kick the other day and turned on "Dirty Diana" full blast - except that I was singing "Drippy Vagina".  It was cathartic.

3) The equivalent of diaper rash from the aforementioned medication process.  My other regional peaceful hole has become the innocent bystander to the war waged in the adjacent country

4) The lovely backne that I had as a teen is back and includes the front and the above.  No such thing as using Retin A now - nope - just get to cover it up with some nice turtlenecks and makeup.

5) Oh the bloating.  Some people have fat jeans and skinny jeans, I have named mine leuteal and follicular respectively.

6)  The fact that I consumed almost an entire chicken the other night.  First of all I don't even like chicken.  Secondly, my husband had about 1/2 of a breast and I ate the entire rest of it.  My husband left me sitting at the dinner table because he couldn't stand to see me chewing off the carcass.

7)  I just had the joy of plucking all my peri-areolar hair.  Yup . . . pure joy.

8) The lovely leuteal phase constipation followed by the opposite right before the period.  Insult to injury my friends.

9) Shaving my legs means shaving every inch from toe to groin, don't even get me started on scheduling the control burns of the forrest.

10) The finish the deed and then roll on your back and lift your legs up in the air maneuver.  Does it help?  Probably not.  Does is make me look just plain stupid - you bet.  Do I do it every single time just in case - ABSOLUTELY.

11) We are going out of town for a week and I just packed a bunch of pregnancy tests and pads.  Menses is likely to interrupt what is left of our romantic trip.  But at least this month there was no middle of the month marathon - the insemination was worth every penny for taking some of the "timed episodes" out of our marital relations.

My husband is a tolerant man.  I think in addition to being ready for a baby, he's is probably ready to have his old wife back.   That's not going to happen for a while, and I plan on getting a whole bunch less sexy than this in the mean time.  So hormones - - BRING IT ON!