Friday, February 25, 2011

Women's Intuition

I am a big believer in intuition --especially of the negative type.  If something doesn't feel right, maybe you should back away and take a different path.  Sometimes your going out on a limb in life, and there is anxiety present - thats natural.  But sometimes I feel a spontaneous onset of a weird feeling.  Like something just is not right.

I first noticed my intuition in middle school.  There was a day where I just in the middle of the day felt like there was something seriously wrong with my grandmother who lived in San Francisco.  Odd to be in the middle of the school day and all of a sudden worrying like crazy because there was this deep sinkhole in my chest.  This was October 17th 1989.   I couldn't put it together but I called her when I got home from school -she was fine.  Then at about 5 pm the loma prieta quake hit - again my grandmother was fine, but I just felt like I knew something was wrong before it all happened.

Don't get me wrong, I in no way am capable of predicting the future, but when I have these foreboding thoughts, they sometimes are connected to bad things.  This was reinforced in college when I would have days where I woke up saddened or down and later in the day I would get a call that my mother was in the hospital again.  Same feelings - always surrounding loved ones, usually ending up with less than ideal things happening to them.

So for me - there is something not quite right about this cycle.  Not a physical thing, or an emotional.  I just have this sinking feeling that its going to fail in a much grander failure pattern than simply not working. Maybe that means a chemical pregnancy, a cancelled cycle or maybe a cyst left behind thereafter.  But I have this feeling that with this cycle I am going to disappoint my husband.

More lately though these feelings have not panned out to be so bad at all.  I worried terribly one day about my sister driving home from my house.  Had this feeling her car was going to break down.  But it didn't have any problems until the next time I saw her when we got a flat on the freeway.  Pulled over 10 minutes with roadside assistance and we were on our way.  Not so bad.  There was a day where I worried a terrible amount about my husband's health - he ended up getting a sore throat for a day.  Really not so bad.

So hopefully the feelings about this cycle will not pan out at all - but I felt I had to get it out into the universe to see if it comes back at me like a boomerang.  Time will tell.

I promise a happier post next time - just feeling melancholy lately, I suppose.


  1. I really do believe in intuition. But I think infertility messes with our intuition. There's so much going on in our bodies, minds and hearts during the cycle of trying to get pregnant. I know I have truly obsessive thoughts about getting pregnant or not that WILL NOT stop no matter what I do.

    Your husband loves you and I bet he's worried about you being disappointed too. You're doing everything you can. Go easy on yourself.

  2. I agree. Intuition is very powerful, and yours sounds especially incredible. I hope you're wrong this time.

  3. ((hugs)) I agree that intuition can definitely be true. I am hoping that yours is incorrect this cycle, though.

  4. I am so sorry you are having bad vibes about this cycle. I am not sure how I feel about the whole negative intuition thing - in general, I am such a worrier that I would be an even bigger mess if I logically believed it really mean something. On the other hand, so often in our TTC journey, the statistically improbable worst case scenario ended up coming true, it's hard for me to know what I think anymore. Regardless, still sending you tons of good vibes for this cycle!