Feed Me!!

So I am going to a Superbowl party tonight and started baking chocolate cupcakes when I got up at 7am.  This is usually a safe thing for my waistline because I don't really have a thing for sweets.  Nope I am a butter + carbs = happy girl.

So while I am baking and cleaning the kitchen, it dawns on me - I should make this really yummy caramelized onion puff-pastry thingie to take as an appetizer  . . . because for some reason at 7 am this sounds like the most delicious thing in the word.

I caramelize the onion and set it aside for later because I need to make a trip to the store to buy puff pastry.  Problem is - I can't forget about it.  I keep thinking how good those little onion pieces must taste.  I go about my day with the usual distractions, cleaning, working out, showering, all to stop in between thinking about those onions.

At first I think to myself, "gosh . . . I must be getting over my cold and feeling better . . . thats why I am so hungry".  So I let myself eat moderately healthy things that I have weird cravings for thinking they will satisfy: 2 servings special K, 1 glass blueberry juice, 1 can garbanzo beans.  After all this though I am still obsessing so I just gave up and started eating the onions.  Problem is while I am doing this I thought to myself "you know what would be good with this? . . . Stovetop!"  So here I am, status post consumption of all the above calories and it finally occurs to me . . .ITS THE STUPID PROGESTERONE!  How many times have I been through these hormones and shouldn't I know better by now? But I still forget every time until I end up wandering around the kitchen like some rabid dog foaming at the mouth just looking for something to sink my teeth into.

The progesterone food cravings are killing my diet and with all this treatment my weight is so important to maintain constant normal BMI.  Its like I'm an addict who just cant function without a little shot of heroin, except that there is NO satisfaction that the food leaves me with.  No feeling of full - just constant hunger and a heightened awareness of how good it feels to eat.  I don't know why I respond like this each and every time, or why I am so sensitive to hormones.

It just leaves me feeling weak in willpower and stupid for letting myself succumb to my crazy cravings.  I'm not crying randomly yet - but will probably loose it during the Superbowl for no reason other than the progesterone.  (I did get kind of teary today when I say a preview of the mini- Darth Vader commercial - when you see it you will all laugh because there is nothing teary at all about it.)

Its just the battle I wage on myself every month, but at least I am not totally loosing . . . that is until I go downstairs and eat one of those cupcakes I cant stop thinking about now . . . maybe I can whip up some buttercream frosting.  Oh darn it!