Today I feel good. I mean really good in a normal kind of way. I am not hemorrhaging, crying, eating to oblivion. There is no ovarian pain, uterine cramping, bloating or menstrual migraines. I had no appointments today, no probing, no acupuncture. I went to work, stopped at the store and came home. I feel like most people do on a daily basis - and it is AWESOME.
It is so awesome that I could almost forget that I am infertile. I could almost forget, except that so many things have reminded me in the last few days.
facebook - one day I will take the time and do a full on rant, or maybe multiple rants
baby shower this weekend - haven't decided if I can handle it
run into colleague and see the new bump now visible - hadn't heard about that one so got caught a little off guard
yahoo - top story is "celebrity baby bumps and new moms". Seriously, people are dying from earthquakes and revolutions and celebrity pregnancies are your banner headline?
email from a med-school classmate asking me for advice on finding an OB because she just found out she was preggers and is "super-duper excited". (I think I just threw up in my mouth)
gaggle of coworkers talking about their babies - because that is all people with babies are capable of talking about
call from mail-order-pharmacy, my insurance has cancelled my preauthorization again and all paperwork must be re-submitted.
"so-and-so is on maternity leave - we are going to have some difficulty covering your upcoming vacation".
the nightly alarm clock to remind myself to walk to the fridge and shoot up the fsh
"do you have kids?" the ever present question I get over and over again. This is usually preferable to the more personal "I'm surprised you haven't popped one out yet". People have no tact.
Work email about upcoming evening meeting. Dinner originally promised but has now been cancelled because "most people have families that they want to go home and eat with".
Just paid medical bills. Always a lovely expensive reminder.
So anyway, I'm still here, still infertile and destined to keep thinking about it even when I may otherwise be able to forget. I have been actively trying to think less about all this (also why posting has been a little more sparse). I realize that I am not in just a short phase here, I am transitioning this into a lifestyle. When you have been working hard at something for over a year it becomes a part of your being, part of your definition.
So I am a woman, a wife, a doctor, a scrapbooker, a cook and an infertile. Someday I will add mother in there, but it doesn't erase the experience. The infertile will always be there in the background. This has changed me in an irreversible way, but thats okay - because I feel physically great right now. No reminder can take that away - although the meds can and will. :)
Normal, normal, normal...all your feelings/frustrations are normal for an IFer. I wish you were not in the club but you are and forever will be. It will change you - and for me for the better (more empathic). But why does it have to be so cruel...we'll never know. You have an amazing spirit and attitude. No matter what you will get through this in one piece...promise!
ReplyDeleteOh, man. That is a lot of sucky reminders all at once. It's true that it seems that there is nothing we can do to try to stay away from the reminders. Some days are worse than others, though. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteYes, its daunting and annoying to deal with the ramifications of fertility in and of itself; throw in the factors from insurance, friends, family, and the media, and it can get a little overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested however, in why your insurance pre-authorization was canceled; I'm probably going to have to go this route soon and I have to say these unexpected denials or cancellations are the annoyances that, when coupled with the ones you mention, throw me straight over the edge.
check, check, check.... It sucks crapass living in a babycentric society when you want one of your own so badly. Reminders are everywhere and it never seems to let up. But way to go on feeling really good and normal....cherish that.
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