Tuesday, February 15, 2011

peaceful sorrow

I tested today at 13 days post trigger (yes I jumped the gun by a day and will test again in a few but I'm not delusional that it will change).   It was negative of course but different than before.  This time, I expected it to be negative, and while I hoped for something better I will admit that it didn't crush me nearly to the degree it has previously.  It was more of a gentle sting and a sadness as opposed to the soul sucking black hole that usually opens up in my chest.

Maybe I am getting better at this, maybe I'm just doing better because I am enjoying my vacation with my husband or maybe I am just meant to suffer through this a while longer.

Someone told me after my laparotomy that it would make me a better doctor.  I'm pretty sure that experiencing pain first hand never makes you feel better about being the one to inflict it (even when benefits are greater than the pain), but it did teach me a certain amount first hand about the process of healing.  It is more than just physical relief of pain, it is the slow process of getting back to your old self although maybe never being quite the same again.

I'm not sure why infertility has been placed in my life journey.  Maybe it will make be a better doctor, person or even mother.  All I hope is that when and if I emerge or move on with my life that there is some semblance of my old self left with the same level of innocent joy that I once had.  I know I will never be the same, but maybe I can grow at least some good roots to be more grounded, strong and peaceful even if the innocence is gone.


  1. I think of you often when I visit my OBGYN (whom I dearly, dearly love and trust intrinsically even though she wouldn't know my name if we ran into each other at the grocery store - funny how that works, right?). I know she has been married for several years with no kids of her own and I often wonder how much she really means it when she says "I understand."

  2. I am so sorry IG on your BFN. Really sorry. Glad to read you are coping well. We never know how long we're going to be in the trenches but with every cycle you learn a little more (of course in time). And I can bet that you are no doubt an excellent doctor even without experiencing IF first hand. Keep fighting...I hope that in the end you will come out with a baby in your arms or at least with peace in your heart that you did all you could do. But don't give up...not yet.

  3. I'm so sorry about the BFN.

    I wish I knew why some of us have to have infertility placed in our paths. I do hope that it gets out of your path soon.

  4. So sorry about the negative. I am glad you have some peace, although I know it's a hard road to travel to get to that place.

  5. Sorry about the negative... as hard as this journey has been for me so far, I do think that it does help to be a better doctor, person and mother. I can really feel for my patients on an entirely different level and cherish every day with our toddler and know I'll cherish every moment with another one - if that day ever comes. Thinking of you and share your wonder about why IF is part of our journey xo