I tested today at 13 days post trigger (yes I jumped the gun by a day and will test again in a few but I'm not delusional that it will change). It was negative of course but different than before. This time, I expected it to be negative, and while I hoped for something better I will admit that it didn't crush me nearly to the degree it has previously. It was more of a gentle sting and a sadness as opposed to the soul sucking black hole that usually opens up in my chest.
Maybe I am getting better at this, maybe I'm just doing better because I am enjoying my vacation with my husband or maybe I am just meant to suffer through this a while longer.
Someone told me after my laparotomy that it would make me a better doctor. I'm pretty sure that experiencing pain first hand never makes you feel better about being the one to inflict it (even when benefits are greater than the pain), but it did teach me a certain amount first hand about the process of healing. It is more than just physical relief of pain, it is the slow process of getting back to your old self although maybe never being quite the same again.
I'm not sure why infertility has been placed in my life journey. Maybe it will make be a better doctor, person or even mother. All I hope is that when and if I emerge or move on with my life that there is some semblance of my old self left with the same level of innocent joy that I once had. I know I will never be the same, but maybe I can grow at least some good roots to be more grounded, strong and peaceful even if the innocence is gone.