How to meet women?

I went out last night with my husband and some good friends and one of my recently single guy-friends posed this question to me  "How do you find and meet an sophisticated women?"

UUUUUHHHGGHHHHH!

First of all I will take infertility any day with my husband over being without him.  Not that I minded being single - but until I met the hubbie, quality men were so difficult to find.  I have to admit I have pretty high standards for intelligence in a partner, which may knock out about 95% of the population.  In addition to that I din't want anyone who was so smart they couldn't communicate in an intelligent fashion.  (that knocked out another 4%).   This coupled with all sorts of other issues (exclude workaholics, alcoholics and fitness gurus) meant that there were not a lot of people left.  The fact that I met my husband at all was just dumb luck.  I think it is the entire reason fate brought me to the medical school that made me so miserable for so long - but it was worth it.

So, getting back on track . . . .
At first I thought about my analogous where to meet sophisticated men?  I had some ideas but alumni football viewing parties and softball teams but these didn't seem to translate to meeting women.  And then I thought about it further . . .Where do you meet WOMEN, and secondly why don't I have any girlfriends anymore?

I realized GAGGLES of women engage in friendships spawned by their children.   There are mommy clubs, and ways to meet other women in the same age/communities IF you have kids.  And somehow, having kids gives people enough common ground that they open themselves up to complete strangers, and friendships begin.

But where do women without children go?  Where are all the educated women that I could find something in common with?  OH right . . . . they are doing what I am doing . . . working more than full time to build their career.  (Sure some intelligent women may have the financial capacity to stay home and be a housewife - but I wouldn't have much in common with them anyway)

I very much miss having friends outside of work.  My friends at work are great - but the conversation completely revolved around work at all times.  I miss being able to have an intelligent conversation about art or politics or movies or life.  Any good friends that I have had in recent years all moved out of the area for their jobs, and while I keep in touch, I miss having someone to call up and go shopping or out to lunch with.  For several years I have wondered how to make new friends.  It seems like a skill I once had a lot of experience with that is now dead.  I am a very friendly and nice person, but I don't know where to meet sophisticated women.  Not for me, and not to give advice to my guy-friend.

So anyway - I am up for ideas for him and for me!  Until then, thanks to all my infertility friends out there.  I wish we could meet up for lunch :)

Facebook - #1

I'm going to name the reasons why Facebook taunts infertiles and why I should really quit the habit.  When I have enough internal evidence I may just give it all up.

So . . . Reason #1:

Targeted ads:  do you even notice that those side banners change according to your profile?  I first noticed this phenomenon when my status changed to "engaged".  All of a sudden there were all sorts of ads for wedding dresses, flowers and wedding planners.  I though it was curious but made sense that this is the future of online technology.  Taking the public things you say about yourself and targeting ads to you appropriately.  According to a friend who recently became single he is now bombarded with dating services and singles clubs.  I don't disagree with this tactic, I would rather have 3 targeted adds for things I may be interested in buying on a side banner than an ad for an SUV or skiing vacation popping up in front of the text I was just reading.

But then it jumped to another level.  Literally 1 year after I was married they started filtering in infertility ads.   There is not a category on facebook where you list if you are infertile, it just assumes these things about you. Thanks facebook.  As if there wasn't enough desire on my own and enough in-law pressure . . . now you are telling me I should be pregnant by now, and apparently offering me help at a local REI clinic.

I am wondering how they came upon this conclusion.  Is it the normal ad to send on a 1 year anniversary?  Is it related to how many of my "friends" are doing pregnancy and mommy related things? Did it search my search terms that I have used in amazon or google?  Whatever facebook did I find it a little scary that they know so much about me.

So thanks for the tips facebook - but I will take it from here.  Send me the the ads geared towards DINKs and you might be more successful.

Women's Intuition

I am a big believer in intuition --especially of the negative type.  If something doesn't feel right, maybe you should back away and take a different path.  Sometimes your going out on a limb in life, and there is anxiety present - thats natural.  But sometimes I feel a spontaneous onset of a weird feeling.  Like something just is not right.

I first noticed my intuition in middle school.  There was a day where I just in the middle of the day felt like there was something seriously wrong with my grandmother who lived in San Francisco.  Odd to be in the middle of the school day and all of a sudden worrying like crazy because there was this deep sinkhole in my chest.  This was October 17th 1989.   I couldn't put it together but I called her when I got home from school -she was fine.  Then at about 5 pm the loma prieta quake hit - again my grandmother was fine, but I just felt like I knew something was wrong before it all happened.

Don't get me wrong, I in no way am capable of predicting the future, but when I have these foreboding thoughts, they sometimes are connected to bad things.  This was reinforced in college when I would have days where I woke up saddened or down and later in the day I would get a call that my mother was in the hospital again.  Same feelings - always surrounding loved ones, usually ending up with less than ideal things happening to them.

So for me - there is something not quite right about this cycle.  Not a physical thing, or an emotional.  I just have this sinking feeling that its going to fail in a much grander failure pattern than simply not working. Maybe that means a chemical pregnancy, a cancelled cycle or maybe a cyst left behind thereafter.  But I have this feeling that with this cycle I am going to disappoint my husband.

More lately though these feelings have not panned out to be so bad at all.  I worried terribly one day about my sister driving home from my house.  Had this feeling her car was going to break down.  But it didn't have any problems until the next time I saw her when we got a flat on the freeway.  Pulled over 10 minutes with roadside assistance and we were on our way.  Not so bad.  There was a day where I worried a terrible amount about my husband's health - he ended up getting a sore throat for a day.  Really not so bad.

So hopefully the feelings about this cycle will not pan out at all - but I felt I had to get it out into the universe to see if it comes back at me like a boomerang.  Time will tell.

I promise a happier post next time - just feeling melancholy lately, I suppose.

Things that remind me, even when I momentarily forget

Today I feel good.  I mean really good in a normal kind of way.  I am not hemorrhaging, crying, eating to oblivion.  There is no ovarian pain, uterine cramping, bloating or menstrual migraines.  I had no appointments today, no probing, no acupuncture.  I went to work, stopped at the store and came home.  I feel like most people do on a daily basis - and it is AWESOME.

It is so awesome that I could almost forget that I am infertile.  I could almost forget, except that so many things have reminded me in the last few days.

facebook - one day I will take the time and do a full on rant, or maybe multiple rants

baby shower this weekend - haven't decided if I can handle it

run into colleague and see the new bump now visible - hadn't heard about that one so got caught a little off guard

yahoo - top story is "celebrity baby bumps and new moms".  Seriously, people are dying from earthquakes and revolutions and celebrity pregnancies are your banner headline?

email from a med-school classmate asking me for advice on finding an OB because she just found out she was preggers and is "super-duper excited".  (I think I just threw up in my mouth)

gaggle of coworkers talking about their babies - because that is all people with babies are capable of talking about

call from mail-order-pharmacy, my insurance has cancelled my preauthorization again and all paperwork must be re-submitted.

"so-and-so is on maternity leave - we are going to have some difficulty covering your upcoming vacation".

the nightly alarm clock to remind myself to walk to the fridge and shoot up the fsh

"do you have kids?" the ever present question I get over and over again.  This is usually preferable to the more personal "I'm surprised you haven't popped one out yet".  People have no tact.

Work email about upcoming evening meeting.  Dinner originally promised but has now been cancelled because "most people have families that they want to go home and eat with".

Just paid medical bills.  Always a lovely expensive reminder.


So anyway, I'm still here, still infertile and destined to keep thinking about it even when I may otherwise be able to forget.  I have been actively trying to think less about all this (also why posting has been a little more sparse).  I realize that I am not in just a short phase here, I am transitioning this into a lifestyle.  When you have been working hard at something for over a year it becomes a part of your being, part of your definition.

So I am a woman, a wife, a doctor, a scrapbooker, a cook and an infertile.  Someday I will add mother in there, but it doesn't erase the experience.  The infertile will always be there in the background.  This has changed me in an irreversible way, but thats okay - because I feel physically great right now.  No reminder can take that away - although the meds can and will.  :)

discovery! (skip if you are squeemish)

Had my baseline ultrasound for follistim cycle 4 today and I had a revelation:

Before I go further I will say it has NEVER bothered me as a gynecologist to have a patient with menses - after all thats what I do.  But I will say that there is nothing that bothers me more as a patient than bleeding on things.  Seriously - other people's blood, no problem - doesn't even phase me.  But for some reason when it is my blood it is disgusting.

The other thing as  gynecologist is that I have had so much exposure to ultrasound gel over the years that it makes my hands itch like crazy - so to avoid walking around scratching parts of my body that are deemed socially unacceptable, I beg my RE to use surgilube on simon instead.  Problem is - its a bit drippy.

So after my ultrasound (and a half hour of sitting and waiting in the room pants-less without the aid of feminine hygiene products) we will just say that I was more than a bit gross.   I am usually a carrier of antibacterial hand wipes (yes I am OCD about hand cleaning) and I happened to buy the wrong pack last time and bought baby wipes instead.  Not so great for hand cleaning but OOOOHHHH SOOOO GOOD for today.  Lets just say I have never been more thankful for something labeled "baby".

So I hope my discovery has been helpful to someone out there - but sorry if I grossed you all out in the mean time!

pms = pretty miserable spouse

There was a time in my life where I cycled normally.  When I was a teenager I had regular every 28 day periods - sad to think that is was the last time I was ever gynecologically normal.  I know this doesn't seem to happen to many people with PCOS - it doesn't follow the norm.  But I will say that I was fairly thin and working out 2-3 hours a day at the time.  When I was 18 and quit sports in favor of being a nerd - well thats when all the PCOS symptoms decided to come out.

Problem was for a short time (until my mom hit chemo-induced menopause) - my mother and I would cycle together.  I really didn't think much of my periods or my cyclicity except for the PMS.  I think my father would hide for days on end because there would be an all out war at home.  Screaming, yelling, crying - all over a stack of papers hidden under my bed or if I came home with an A minus on some english test.

Of course what always happens in the situation is that when you are a teen - you are right.  I thought it was my mothers hormones, not mine.  There was no way there was anything wrong with me - in my head she was just being unreasonable.

After a full day yesterday of yelling at my husband for the most stupid things (especially since I almost never get mad at my husband at all) I realized a few things:

1) I am being a hormonally induced (insert swear word here) pain in the rear

2) I still miss my birth control pills

3) maybe it wasn't my mother after all - maybe it was me! (Sorry Mom)

So today I embark on the plan of self seclusion.  I can't treat my husband like this - he does not deserve my erratic wrath.  I am not sure how you cure the attitude when apparently I am not in control of it.  I think I will lock myself in my office and let him have a full day with his video games as a reward for having to deal with me.  (I'm bloated and pimply anyway with a going on 4 day migraine I am pretty dysfunctional.)  Infertility is a stress enough on any relationship - I wish I could at least feel normal in the times in between the crazy hormone injections and suppositories, but instead I am actually more crazy.

At least the crazy and the migraine will dissolve when I actually start my period, although then I will welcome the debilitating cramping.  If all this treatment works and I get pregnant I am pretty sure I will not feel normal - so this is a long amount of abnormal to be going through to get to a point of 9 months of abnormal to be followed by the postpartum abnormal which will likely be followed by another round of all of it.  When will I feel normal again?  Probably when I am 60 and menopausal long enough to have gotten used to the hormonal absence.  Will my husband be able to last through all of this?  I sure hope so.  If he does he will be a candidate for sainthood.

peaceful sorrow

I tested today at 13 days post trigger (yes I jumped the gun by a day and will test again in a few but I'm not delusional that it will change).   It was negative of course but different than before.  This time, I expected it to be negative, and while I hoped for something better I will admit that it didn't crush me nearly to the degree it has previously.  It was more of a gentle sting and a sadness as opposed to the soul sucking black hole that usually opens up in my chest.

Maybe I am getting better at this, maybe I'm just doing better because I am enjoying my vacation with my husband or maybe I am just meant to suffer through this a while longer.

Someone told me after my laparotomy that it would make me a better doctor.  I'm pretty sure that experiencing pain first hand never makes you feel better about being the one to inflict it (even when benefits are greater than the pain), but it did teach me a certain amount first hand about the process of healing.  It is more than just physical relief of pain, it is the slow process of getting back to your old self although maybe never being quite the same again.

I'm not sure why infertility has been placed in my life journey.  Maybe it will make be a better doctor, person or even mother.  All I hope is that when and if I emerge or move on with my life that there is some semblance of my old self left with the same level of innocent joy that I once had.  I know I will never be the same, but maybe I can grow at least some good roots to be more grounded, strong and peaceful even if the innocence is gone.

11-11-11

Apparently 2/18 is the perfect day to conceive to have your due date be on a seriously uniform binary day in history.  While yes I think that numbers are really awesome because I am that much of a nerd, and yes I got married on a day that was a combination of squared and cubed numbers in a numeric near-anagram, I believe that if these things just “work out” by the laws of nature then it is cool and meant to be. (As my wedding date did – I certainly didn’t pick because the numbers were all divisible by each other – this was just the day the venue was open and it just turned out kind of neat in the end.)

So the quest for the perfect baby birthday was being reported on cnbc or cnn or whatever “news program” was playing this morning at the gym. (Yes I am now being mentally assaulted and reminded of this all by my morning gym programming – as if hating being on the treadmill wasn’t enough.) They start flashing all sorts of pictures of newborns and then talk about how fertility clinics are getting “flooded with calls” from people who want to have their babies born on 11-11-11.  Needless to say – this got a bit under my skin.

So … To those fertile people who are out bugging REs about getting pregnant on a specific day – I’m trying to say this nicely: Bug off.  Go home, get it on in a few nights, and have your perfect baby with its perfect due date.  Leave the RE doctors alone – they have more important business to attend to.

And to those people for whom it is so darn easy to conceive that they get to just pick a day – let me warn you . . . Babies are usually NOT born on their due date.  Unless one has a scheduled c-section most babies will come whenever they want – and that is rarely when they are expected.  While I understand that maybe people don’t want to have their babies electively on a major holiday (because maybe they don’t want the kid with a costume party or fireworks every year), I don’t believe that by actively choosing 11-11-11 make a child any luckier.  If it works out by luck well than good for you, but honestly, for those people out there described on the news, you should just count your luck when that pee test turns positive and that you get to have a baby after it all.  

This however is lost on the fertile peeps because somehow I am predicting in 10 months I am going to be flooded with stupid non-medically indicated requests for inductions and sections so that people can have their little perfect birthday baby.  When I say “no” because its not medically indicated they will get angry with me because they were “really hoping for” that special birthday.  I wish I could sometimes just tell them that I am “really hoping for” what they are taking for granted.

Even with all the planning of cycles and medications, and call nights and how they line up with insemination days – it never once crossed my mind that I should be aiming 10 months in advance for the perfect day to have a baby.  I of course could have figured this out by looking on a pregnancy wheel (since I look at them 10 times a day anyway), but the truth of the matter is that I don’t really care when I have a baby.  If I am thinking greedily I would like the sooner as opposed to later, if I am thinking honestly I would like it whenever as long as its healthy, but if I am thinking pessimistically I prefer the possible to the impossible variety.

I try to be thankful for what I have and not take it for granted.  This morning I was thinking how much I am thankful to have all body systems functioning appropriately, and this afternoon how wonderfully lucky I am to have my husband and to be spending time with him.  I am not always this focused on what I lack (and when I do think about it I vent here and then feel better and forget about it for a day or two until someone reminds me again), so maybe its my lesson to be thankful today for having you all to vent to and not to take this for granted.  I appreciate the ongoing support. 

Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone – may you all feel love in your hearts that you will share with your families - present and future!

seriously unsexy

Oh infertility and PCOS - how you make me feel so . . . gosh darn unsexy . . . let me count thine ways:

1) The fact that I am sitting here typing this waiting the requisite 8 minutes before I can wash the bleach off my upper lip before it dissolves the skin off.  Sally Hansen - let me tell you . . . your product does not have a nice almond smell, it smells like bleach and burns like hell.

2) The odd sensation from the prometrium.  I got on a Michael Jackson kick the other day and turned on "Dirty Diana" full blast - except that I was singing "Drippy Vagina".  It was cathartic.

3) The equivalent of diaper rash from the aforementioned medication process.  My other regional peaceful hole has become the innocent bystander to the war waged in the adjacent country

4) The lovely backne that I had as a teen is back and includes the front and the above.  No such thing as using Retin A now - nope - just get to cover it up with some nice turtlenecks and makeup.

5) Oh the bloating.  Some people have fat jeans and skinny jeans, I have named mine leuteal and follicular respectively.

6)  The fact that I consumed almost an entire chicken the other night.  First of all I don't even like chicken.  Secondly, my husband had about 1/2 of a breast and I ate the entire rest of it.  My husband left me sitting at the dinner table because he couldn't stand to see me chewing off the carcass.

7)  I just had the joy of plucking all my peri-areolar hair.  Yup . . . pure joy.

8) The lovely leuteal phase constipation followed by the opposite right before the period.  Insult to injury my friends.

9) Shaving my legs means shaving every inch from toe to groin, don't even get me started on scheduling the control burns of the forrest.

10) The finish the deed and then roll on your back and lift your legs up in the air maneuver.  Does it help?  Probably not.  Does is make me look just plain stupid - you bet.  Do I do it every single time just in case - ABSOLUTELY.

11) We are going out of town for a week and I just packed a bunch of pregnancy tests and pads.  Menses is likely to interrupt what is left of our romantic trip.  But at least this month there was no middle of the month marathon - the insemination was worth every penny for taking some of the "timed episodes" out of our marital relations.

My husband is a tolerant man.  I think in addition to being ready for a baby, he's is probably ready to have his old wife back.   That's not going to happen for a while, and I plan on getting a whole bunch less sexy than this in the mean time.  So hormones - - BRING IT ON!

work . . . paying for it or makin' me pay?

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days - I'm in the middle of a 60 hours in 4 days stretch.  (and yes I am tired)

Given that fatigue it makes me wonder - is the very thing that I am doing that allows me to afford all of this inhibiting it all from working?  This dawned on me in the middle of the night when I sat down for a few minutes in the middle of a string of c-sections and realized I was cramping.  Not the 'I've just ovulated' little ovary pain. . . . nope this was full blown uterus get ready for your period cramping (but I've got 1.5 weeks before thats supposed to come back).  So for as much as last nights shift contributed less than the cost of the follistim for one cycle, being exhausted and overworked could have possibly blown the whole thing.  (Or if I go positive for a moment could it be the pain associated with a 5 day blastocyst implanting itself - probably not because I don't think it hurts, but a nice thought).

This got me thinking and I had a little geek epiphany . . . Okay I'm about to get a little nerdy here but hang with me  . . . .

Infertility is like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.

What's the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle?

Oh good I was soooo hoping you would ask! (okay lets see if I can break down quantum mechanics .. .)

So according to Wikipedia:
"states by precise inequalities that certain pairs of physical properties, such as position and momentum, cannot be simultaneously known to arbitrarily high precision. That is, the more precisely one property is measured, the less precisely the other can be measured."

Say you have a particle in a box that is moving around and you want to know 2 things:
1) where it is right now?
2) how fast is it traveling?

What the principle says is that the very act of trying to measure one of these things screws up the other.  (may not work in real life because my I phone can tell me both pretty easily . . . but for particles it tends to make more sense)

Hang on . . . we're almost there. . .  (My quantum physics professor would be appalled that this is the only thing I remember from his entire class, and even more disappointed that I think this is the only practical application - but alas, there is not much particle physics in everyday life.)

So heres how it applies - I feel that the very act of thinking about infertility makes the possibility of getting beyond it that much less likely.  I think it may be the only truth to the advice "just relax and it will happen".  (Although, while I have heard that this works for some people, let me just tell you . . . I just relaxed . . . and I'm still here trying.)

I have tried so hard to do everything right.   I think about daily where I am in the process and what comes next and the "what if this" and the "what if that".  I spend lots of time driving to and from appointments and talking with insurance companies and pharmacies.  I can't say that I am especially stressed out about the whole thing, because for as negative as I can be I know that this will ultimately work if for no other reason that I will not give up.  But there is only so much I can backburner it in my head and only so much I can forget about what I want when I stare at the newborn I just delivered and the look of absolute joy of the mom when I hand the baby to her.

So is the act of thinking about it and the act of doing things to make it happen (i.e. working a 30 hr shift over last night and another one tomorrow) the cause for the lack of success?  I don't know.  I don't think I am going to win the lottery anytime soon so I am probably stuck.  Whatever happens I just want to stop feeling like I am being counterproductive.  I wish there was an intermediate at this point to tell me that I am on my way and just need a little more time to make it work, but alas there is nothing.  And I fear after last night that may be my own fault - but I don't see another way.

Feed Me!!

So I am going to a Superbowl party tonight and started baking chocolate cupcakes when I got up at 7am.  This is usually a safe thing for my waistline because I don't really have a thing for sweets.  Nope I am a butter + carbs = happy girl.

So while I am baking and cleaning the kitchen, it dawns on me - I should make this really yummy caramelized onion puff-pastry thingie to take as an appetizer  . . . because for some reason at 7 am this sounds like the most delicious thing in the word.

I caramelize the onion and set it aside for later because I need to make a trip to the store to buy puff pastry.  Problem is - I can't forget about it.  I keep thinking how good those little onion pieces must taste.  I go about my day with the usual distractions, cleaning, working out, showering, all to stop in between thinking about those onions.

At first I think to myself, "gosh . . . I must be getting over my cold and feeling better . . . thats why I am so hungry".  So I let myself eat moderately healthy things that I have weird cravings for thinking they will satisfy: 2 servings special K, 1 glass blueberry juice, 1 can garbanzo beans.  After all this though I am still obsessing so I just gave up and started eating the onions.  Problem is while I am doing this I thought to myself "you know what would be good with this? . . . Stovetop!"  So here I am, status post consumption of all the above calories and it finally occurs to me . . .ITS THE STUPID PROGESTERONE!  How many times have I been through these hormones and shouldn't I know better by now? But I still forget every time until I end up wandering around the kitchen like some rabid dog foaming at the mouth just looking for something to sink my teeth into.

The progesterone food cravings are killing my diet and with all this treatment my weight is so important to maintain constant normal BMI.  Its like I'm an addict who just cant function without a little shot of heroin, except that there is NO satisfaction that the food leaves me with.  No feeling of full - just constant hunger and a heightened awareness of how good it feels to eat.  I don't know why I respond like this each and every time, or why I am so sensitive to hormones.

It just leaves me feeling weak in willpower and stupid for letting myself succumb to my crazy cravings.  I'm not crying randomly yet - but will probably loose it during the Superbowl for no reason other than the progesterone.  (I did get kind of teary today when I say a preview of the mini- Darth Vader commercial - when you see it you will all laugh because there is nothing teary at all about it.)

Its just the battle I wage on myself every month, but at least I am not totally loosing . . . that is until I go downstairs and eat one of those cupcakes I cant stop thinking about now . . . maybe I can whip up some buttercream frosting.  Oh darn it!

I. B. Inseminated

It's a little weird to think of myself as inseminated . . . but here I am . . . pumped up with washed and capacitated little swimmers. Inseminated sounds like I just signed up for a 6 year tour with the navy, not that I just took a 20% stab at making a baby.

I thought it would hurt - it didn't.  I thought I would get nervous - I didn't.  I thought there would be a lot of pomp and circumstance - there wasn't.  Just me, my RE, a couple mils of my husband's contribution and a syringe.  Thats it.  And the deed is done.  And now . . . we wait.

Ho hum.  Tic toc, tic toc.  Did I mention I am not good at this part.   Doctors are not patient people by nature.  I need to find a good 1.5 week focus - something that will keep me from eating and thinking too much.  Right before the pee tests are scheduled, the husband and I are going to take a few days off and spend some time together - it will be nice to just focus on each other and not to focus on the task at hand.

This whole process is so . . . un-sexy.  The ultrasound probing, the timed activities, the plastic cup, the drippy prometrium.  I know that everyone complains that during a marriage the bedroom stuff can go downhill, but I didn't think that this would have such power as a catalyst.    Its a good thing that I love my husband and that we haven't allowed this to define us - but I am sure its only a matter of time because the stress is there.  I can't even imaging how much more involved IVF is - in time, hormones, money and mostly emotion.  This whole thing can be so uplifting and draining at the same time.

So at this point I am home alone (husband is working all night) so I am going to curl up with my unsexy self, celebrate with a couple thin mints and a chick flick and send my chi to my pelvis.

For today - I am happy, hopeful and at peace.  Can't guarantee it will last until tomorrow, but I guess one day at a time . . . right?

Thank you for all your support.  I have appreciated the comments.

Dear tube

Dear Ms. Fallopian R. Tube.

I know you and I have not had the best working relationship over the past few months.  After learning that you were someone who could potentially betray me I just haven't been able to trust that you will work.  I am not normally an angry boss, but since I never did anything to hurt you I am disappointed by your previous performance on the HSG.  I don't feel like I should fire you,  you still have a job to do, and you are the only one who can do this job.  Maybe that makes me desperate or maybe it gives you the opportunity to come through in the clutch.

You tend to overreact.  I do not really believe that you are actually under that much pressure from the external world and I hope you are not closed to new experiences.  I guess I just want to say that I am counting on you.  Please be on your best behavior over the next few days and I promise not to try to blow you open with dye or cannulas.

Remember that I am counting on you.

Sincerely,

me

simon the sono says . . .

... so I have a 16 mm single follicle on my normal ovary/possibly closed tube side.  Yay? We're going for an IUI this time (I think).  Just a way to up the ante, although it is difficult to imagine that if it works that my husband will not have been present for the conception. (lets just say I am going to be taking the sample in while he heads off to work). We are going for a really big follicle before trigger this time since there is only one follicle - that is unless I ovulate first.  I guess we will see if this works.

I have also named the sono - I figure if I am getting this much action, I should at least know his name!  I figured Simon was appropriate because when Simon says to do something I do it.

So anyway I am going to stop thinking about the Simon in my life and go back to work!