Sunday, December 5, 2010

So here I am...

The definition of idiot is a person who does the same thing over and over again and expects a different outcome.  Hmmmm . . . . I guess that makes me either very stupid or a silly optimist.

I have never been one for unsupported positivity.  I believe that if it can go wrong -- it will and if it doesn't, well then you just got lucky.  I have always had a little bitter, jaded streak about me, yet I surround myself with people who have the outlook of a disney character (more on that later).  So why do I always have this nagging little voice in my head that keeps telling me that "things might be different this time" or "maybe its not so bad".  Torture I tell you.  I must love the pain.  My life has become a series of repeated failures.

I have had to work hard my entire life.  I am thankful I grew up in a supportive middle class family where I was never abused or neglected, and I am thankful that my parents sacrificed so I could get a good public education.  I realize how lucky I am, but, I have had to work very hard for almost everything.  Apparently this is no different.

So now I work to have a family.  I work on nights and weekends to deliver other people's babies so that I can have the money to support my follistim habit.  My ovaries just don't like to part with their eggs.   I have tried more cockamamie ways to encourage them but after significant time, multiple medications I have managed to ovulate once in the past 1.5 yr.  Today I found out it didn't work.

So in the end I am probably an idiot (please excuse the self deprecation for today but I will have to beat myself up a bit for a while as this is the only reliable part of my monthly cycle).  But if that is true at least I am already looking to the next month with new dreams and hope, because I will work at it until it happens.  I can't fail forever.

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