The definition of idiot is a person who does the same thing over and over again and expects a different outcome. Hmmmm . . . . I guess that makes me either very stupid or a silly optimist.
I have never been one for unsupported positivity. I believe that if it can go wrong -- it will and if it doesn't, well then you just got lucky. I have always had a little bitter, jaded streak about me, yet I surround myself with people who have the outlook of a disney character (more on that later). So why do I always have this nagging little voice in my head that keeps telling me that "things might be different this time" or "maybe its not so bad". Torture I tell you. I must love the pain. My life has become a series of repeated failures.
I have had to work hard my entire life. I am thankful I grew up in a supportive middle class family where I was never abused or neglected, and I am thankful that my parents sacrificed so I could get a good public education. I realize how lucky I am, but, I have had to work very hard for almost everything. Apparently this is no different.
So now I work to have a family. I work on nights and weekends to deliver other people's babies so that I can have the money to support my follistim habit. My ovaries just don't like to part with their eggs. I have tried more cockamamie ways to encourage them but after significant time, multiple medications I have managed to ovulate once in the past 1.5 yr. Today I found out it didn't work.
So in the end I am probably an idiot (please excuse the self deprecation for today but I will have to beat myself up a bit for a while as this is the only reliable part of my monthly cycle). But if that is true at least I am already looking to the next month with new dreams and hope, because I will work at it until it happens. I can't fail forever.