New Years Resolution

This year I am going to loose weight . . naaahh . . . This year I am going to enjoy the process in becoming unbelievably pudgy!  I will get fat.  I will grow a big belly, jowels and kenkles and it will be awesome.  I will be uncomfortable, constipated, swollen and short of breath and I will be thankful.

Thanks for playing 2009 and 2010, you were good to me in my personal and career life but I am leaving you behind for the promise of something better.  2011 is the year it will happen . . . this year I will get pregnant - that is my resolution!

Happy New Year Everyone!

darn progesterone

Okay I am STARVING.  I just ate a decent sized breakfast followed immediately by my usual mid morning snack and I am still really hungry.  This is my usual response to progesterone but now that I am using the prometrium I just cant ignore it at all.  Its such a bummer that I dieted through the holidays, actually lost weight . . .  and now I am going to bounce back because of my insatiable appetite.

Let the food dreams begin.

hollywood

First of all . . . thank you Celine Dion.   You may not be my favorite singer but THANK YOU for your honesty about your infertility.

What is it about the hollywood headlines - everyone seems to announce their engagement and pregnancy at the same time.  Natalie Portman, Alicia Keys, Amy Adams . ..  seriously . . . do any of them actually get married before the babies anymore?  Although maybe when marriages are so short lived as they are in hollywood it doesn't matter and their way of selecting a mate is seeing firsthand if infertility will be an issue.

Those that don't remarkably have beautiful fraternal twins with no mention that they ever had any difficulty whatsoever.  (Thank you Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie and now Mariah Carey).  Please just admit it.  You had some trouble . . . had the money . . . and are now lucky to have your little 2 bundles of joy.  Nobody wants to admit it . . . except Celine.  Ahhh makes me want to purchase my heart will go on on itunes even though I cant bear to listen.

And Kelley Preston?  Come on . . .  you are 48.  Do you really expect anyone to believe that you conceived naturally?  At least Neil Patrick Harris and Elton John are not denying they had surrogates.

Why are we all so ashamed to admit it?  Including me . . . I can't seem to bring myself to tell everyone at work.  Maybe its because I don't want people asking how its going. . . . because obviously it is going slowly if not poorly.  Maybe because I am the only one at work without kids and I know most everyone had very spontaneous and easy pregnancies.  Maybe because it is embarrassing that I know this much about the process but cant seem to make it happen for myself.

They will all know eventually if I ever succeed.  My colleges will inevitably see my chart and how I managed to conceive.  Some of them have already seen my name "pop up" on the infertility clinic schedule.  If I have a sab or a rule out ectopic they will know.  Like hollywood, not much privacy here, although I will miss out on having a publicist make my contrived announcements about how I managed to have spontaneous fraternal twins.

los nips esta en fuego

Seriously, how does anyone not know they are preggers.  All it takes is a little hcg shot and I've got two sensors on the front of my body that not only hurt but they can detect barometric pressure shifts.  (prediction: its gonna rain tonite).  I knew last time that I was unsuccessful days before the little lack of pink line because all of a sudden I was no longer in touch with what was going on inside my shirt.

But on a happy note - released 2 little eggs into the world yesterday.  They were a bit under-prepared and may not do well in the harsh world that is my body.  First they are going to navigate the "not sure if its opened or just spasmed on the hsg" tube.  Then they will find some happy little swimmers waiting for them who will jump in and help them along to the bouncy fluffy bed of endometrium.  There they will snuggle up in their little decidual covers and get to work on making a home that they will eventually grow out of.  (can you tell I am trying optimism on for size?)

I took a picture on christmas of my stomach hoping that it will be the last time I see it so thin.  Some bloating this time but no where near as bad as the hyperstim last time (yet .. . .okay so I couldn't remain all positive for long.)

brought to you by the number nine

Today was a day that was quite divisible. nine millimeter endometrial stripe and three, nine mm follicles!

I'm trying to fell how I feel about 3 follicles.  Last time there were 2 and I was nervous.  Multiples are marvelous . . . don't get me wrong . . . but I would be very happy with one.  This whole process has made me feel like such a little oddball that all I want is what is normal to everyone else.  At the end of the day I will happily accept twins, but I don't know what to do if there are 3 follicles ready to go.  Do I cancel the cycle . .. cross my fingers for only 1 (or 2) to take, or just go crazy and just let fate take hold.

This is another case of knowing too much.  I know the complication rates, the delivery averages and the statistics that surround multiples.  I have delivered many sets of multiples and the "higher-order" category always has major issues.

SO anyway . . . will continue the follistim and cross my fingers that one of them fizzles while the other 2 mature.  Guess I'll just let fate decide for now!

work

SO another thing my acupuncturist said is that I should be embracing any opportunity to be around pregnant women and babies.  But I am really wondering if my psychiatrist would say the same*.  Sometimes what I do for a living can be really fun . . . and sometimes it is just a little slice of torture.

Most people think this is the happiest specialty in medicine.  How wonderful it us to be around all these growing families with their cute little newborns.  I am very happy for them but I do wonder when it will be my turn.  I come home to an empty house and sit down to make a baby shower gift for my friend and its a really empty feeling.



*if I had one . . . probably need one :)

Acupuncture

Yes I go to an acupuncturist.  Don't get me wrong . . . I am a physician trained in allopathic medicine.  I believe in things proven by science.  Hormones, lab values, studies . . . this is my personal religion.  But eastern medicine has been doing infertility for hundreds of years while follistim was only a very recent option.  

I am completely naive about the eastern medicine and chinese herbs but I'm just kind of sittin' back and going for it.  My providers chit chat about slow thin liver pulses and deficiency of blood and release of heat.  Totally unintelligible to me but they sound like they know what's going on.  So anyway today I got my "chi aligned" and I always feel really good after . . . maybe its just that its the only time I get to just lay and relax . . . even though there are needles sticking out of various parts of my body.

Maybe this is how foreign it feels to everyone else going through infertility treatments, but I hope not.  I hope that everyone out there has a good enough doctor to explain what it is they are doing and why.  Goodness knows I am always asking my REI crazy questions.  Half the time she looks at me with a face like "shouldn't you know this already?"  and the other half of the time they are looks of "if you can't answer that question I don't know how you expect me to" . . . but she always tries to answer my crazy "what if's" and "what do you think about this" questions.

The funny thing is both my REI and my acupuncturist remind me of Disney characters.  They are both so stinkin' cute and really really excitable and positive.  But they both believe that this will work, they both believe that it will happen.  I guess I can trust my doctors . . . all of them . . . and maybe I need to be a little more positive too.  (but the bitter suits me so well!)

Speaking of bitter . . . . can I just say that the herbs are the worst tasting yucky things with terrible aftertaste.  I tried a little Julie Andrew's spoonful of sugar but it did not make the medicine go down - however marshmallows worked better!  Sure hope they are working because they are quite pricy and not at all tasty.

PS: next sono tomorrow.  I'm feeling really positive about my ovaries tonight.  I almost never feel positive about those buggers but I'm hoping for a little follicle action!

Hormones (not) making me crazy

I had heard horror stories about "fertility drugs made me go crazy".  Granted. .. . maybe I am a bit nutty at baseline but I think being on follistim is about the most normal I have felt in a while.  I don't feel any side effects at all - is that odd?

Don't get me wrong. I have been legitimately nuts in the past.  A few years ago got put on some prednisone and I became unbearable to live with.  Every time I go on progesterone I cry when I see a hallmark commercial.  Interestingly clomid made me very angry - to the point where my boss thought I was mad at him.

And then there is the food.  Every time I have been on provera it makes me ravenous and obsessed.  Each "cycle" I seem to choose a food or sometimes many of them!  I've had cheese obsessions, marathons of cooking salmon, egg frenzies and sweet teeth.

Right now I am actually loosing weight.  I am partially doing it intentionally . . . to try to make the PCOS better . . . but I'm doing it now because it is the easiest it has been in a while.   Yes I know its the holidays and we are all supposed to be eating, but I feel really physically normal with my appetite for once which makes this soooooo much easier.  I'm sure I will gain some back with the marathon eating at christmas but for now at least I'm fitting into my skinny jeans . . . and I am not crazy at all.

No wonder my husband seems happy!

debbie downer

I am tired.  Mentally exhausted.  Just plain pooped.

I'm just ready for people to stop asking me "so when are you going to have a baby?"  I am wondering if I have ever asked people this.  Its really an amazing intrusion of privacy.  Its kind of like people asking so how much money do you make?  Whats in your bank account?  How are your eggs?

Here are the responses I wish I could say:

um . . . trying . . . not working
just as soon as fate lets me
well . . . i think I need to work about 6 months and eat ramen to pay for the IVF
it doesn't happen so easy for all of us ya know

here's what I actually say (since I cant really lie but its not totally true either)

I have a lot of things I need to accomplish before I have kids, but we will at some point
Gosh . . . we just moved . . . maybe after we get settled
yeah . . . maybe one of these days!

Yup . . . that's right.  I am lame.  Too lame to admit the truth.  Too lame to tell people I can't do it on my own.  I m the only one at work in my group who isn't a mom or expecting.  So I just keep my mouth shut and pretend everything is fine . . . but its not . . . not yet.

the 12 days of Christmas . . .

Here's what I've been through so far . . .you can sing it in your head if you wish . . .

18 months a-trying
9 crazy diets
8 withdrawal bleeds
7 sonos per cycle
6 months of treatment
5 golden vials *
4 different doctors **
3 clomid failures
2 follicles ripened
and one silly little ovulation


*I think follisim is worth its weight in gold . . . hmmph
** all part of the same team

So here I am...

The definition of idiot is a person who does the same thing over and over again and expects a different outcome.  Hmmmm . . . . I guess that makes me either very stupid or a silly optimist.

I have never been one for unsupported positivity.  I believe that if it can go wrong -- it will and if it doesn't, well then you just got lucky.  I have always had a little bitter, jaded streak about me, yet I surround myself with people who have the outlook of a disney character (more on that later).  So why do I always have this nagging little voice in my head that keeps telling me that "things might be different this time" or "maybe its not so bad".  Torture I tell you.  I must love the pain.  My life has become a series of repeated failures.

I have had to work hard my entire life.  I am thankful I grew up in a supportive middle class family where I was never abused or neglected, and I am thankful that my parents sacrificed so I could get a good public education.  I realize how lucky I am, but, I have had to work very hard for almost everything.  Apparently this is no different.

So now I work to have a family.  I work on nights and weekends to deliver other people's babies so that I can have the money to support my follistim habit.  My ovaries just don't like to part with their eggs.   I have tried more cockamamie ways to encourage them but after significant time, multiple medications I have managed to ovulate once in the past 1.5 yr.  Today I found out it didn't work.

So in the end I am probably an idiot (please excuse the self deprecation for today but I will have to beat myself up a bit for a while as this is the only reliable part of my monthly cycle).  But if that is true at least I am already looking to the next month with new dreams and hope, because I will work at it until it happens.  I can't fail forever.