Sunday, January 2, 2011

The other half of my family

My husband is a good sport and just a genuinely good man.

This is so not his fault.  The man has the most perfectly textbook semen analysis I have ever seen.  (I wasn't surprised at all since I think he is perfect in my eyes.)  I feel a lot of guilt that that he has to go through this as part of our otherwise happy marriage.  At first he was just obliging my biological clock by agreeing to go for it - I knew he would be ready if it happened but mentally he wasn’t there yet.  But as we have kept trying and failing and trying some more – I have realized he wants it just as much as I do.  He is super supportive, really relaxed and positive about the whole thing.  He dutifully gives me my shots and is there for a big bear hug and sympathy with every little single pink line.  Sometimes though he lets on how much it affects him . . . that always leaves me feeling terrible.  I know he is an awesome pediatrician, but he can be as tortured by his job as much as I am.  For every time my patients ask me if I have kids, he gets that question 10 times over.  He could have had someone else and had a family by now, but picked me anyway.

I told him about my pcos about a month after we met.  Kind of a weird conversation to have:

Me: um . . . so I have something to tell you
He: yes?
Me: You know how I am hairy and covered in pimples?
He: Um  . . . I don’t know what you are talking about! (he has an uncanny ability for always saying the correct response)
Me:  Well . . . I may have some trouble getting pregnant one day.
He: Okay.  Don’t worry . . . it will be fine.

And that was that!

Of course my husband understood what this meant at the time, but he never let it phase him.  It was like he just shrugged his shoulders said “whatever” and moved on.  Maybe he was happy at the time that there wouldn’t be an “oops” in his early 20’s, maybe he was in denial, or maybe he just never thought about it.

We’ve been together quite a while, and I never thought I would be this happy with someone.  I acknowledge that I got very lucky to find him but I find it tragic that I may not be able to give him the gift of a child.  More than being pregnant, more than having a child with my genes, I want to raise HIS child.  I love him so much and can think of no better outcome than to have a little him running around.

I hope that we can have that one day. . .  I pray that I will be able to do it myself.


  1. Your life sounds like a movie. I'm sure it's much less entertaining to you, but I would pay to see it in the theaters. A gynecologist and a pediatrician struggling to have a baby? I WISH someone would make a movie about that!

  2. Here from LFCA. Welcome to the IF blogosphere. Sorry you have to be here, but glad you have good support at home. This is a hard road, but it really helps to know all the other bloggers who've sported the same belly bruises, and felt that same empty feeling when seeing that damn single line. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be around all those pg bellies. I never had a problem with babies or children, but the bellies ... OUCH!

    Hope 2011 is the year for you! My OB revealed to me at my postpartum checkup that her daughter was an IVF baby. I wish I'd known earlier, but I can imagine it's hard to know, as a healthcare professional, when it's okay to share these things.

  3. Saw your blog on the LFCA and you can't help but be drawn into a blog titled "Infertile Gynecologist"! I think you'll find this is a VERY knowledgeable and supportive community. I can very much sympathize with needing an outlet for your feelings so welcome and I hope that your first Follistim cycle is a success.

  4. Hi I came across your blog on the lost and found list. Just wanted to wish you luck in 2011!

  5. Thank you for all the lovely comments and the wishes of luck Yes hubbies when they are good they are great! I know how lucky I am and I feel so badly for women who don't have that support no matter how fertile they are!
    As for movies - probably would be a boring one (all work and no play makes us a dull couple). But I'll keep it in mind since I might be able to sell the rights to Hollywood for the price of an IVF cycle :)