holding off

Been a little down since the last pregnancy test.  Period has left but my spirits have yet to lift.  Went to my RE last week for the baseline sono for the next cycle.  Asked her a stupid question and broke into tears.  I try very hard to keep up a funny front - its fake, but how I deal.

I have been told I am very good at hiding things.  I cant lie or hide info, but man can I disguise feelings.  Pretend thats its all ok.  Make a joke when someone asks and move on.  Who really wants to know when the answer is yes . . . I am currently unhappy, dissatisfied and depressed.  People who know what I am doing with my free time keep asking - and every time I think they expect me to say I'm pregnant.  But I'm not.  So there.  I think to myself . . . Do you want to see me cry the way my husband has to see? Are you trying to rub it in?  I know they are not malicious in intent, but it stings none the less.

So anyway, after I completely shocked my RE who previously thought I was handling this whole thing well, we had a chat.  I realized I needed a few days to myself.  A few days not to think about it, not to be probed, injected, stimulated or stressed.

I didn't want to take a full month off - that seemed like a waste of time to me - but we agreed that since I am totally anovulatory and a very slow responder, we can delay things by a week and not start the ultrasounds for a longer period of time.

So today (and for the past several days) I have been on a fertility vacation.  Just taking a few days to myself.  (hence the lesser postings).  I will start up the injections and acupuncture again tomorrow, along with the herbs that taste like you are licking the bottom of your shoe.

We talked about the goal and about realistically how long it may take to achieve it.  I have realized that I cannot expect this to work on a cycle by cycle basis.  This is just a new part of my life that I have to do for a while.  Just like exercise there is just something I need to do on an (almost) daily basis and there is not necessarily an end to the process.  The rewards may not be tangible for a while but eventually something will give me the family I desire.

So here we go again.  Not looking at this as the next cycle as much as looking at the next 4 months before we switch gears to another method.  Not very excited, but I guess more accepting of the process.