I wish I was a baboon . . . .

Okay not literally wish I was a baboon, but did you know they have an 80% fecundity per cycle?  (meaning that there is an 80% chance of baby if 2 baboons have a little fun while ovulating).  For us humans, its a dismal 20%.  For us career women who had to complete a lot of school/training before starting to even try . . . well lets just say it is less . . . more panda-esque.

I tested today, exactly 14 days after ovulation - because I feel some compelling reason to continue following the rules laid forth by my RE.  (Its still that student in me that thinks if I do a good job on this assignment, I can get an A+).

And drumroll please . . . . .

negative, nada, zilcho, nothing, single pink line, game over - thanks for playing - please deposit more money

Ladies and gentleman . . . the only thing I am gettin' out of this cycle is a period. (quite an expensive one at that)

I had a little mental breakdown full of tears, sobs and snot that led to a migraine, but with that behind me it is on to planning the next cycle.  ( at least with the negative pregnancy test I took an imitrex!)

People close to me think only two things about me:
 1) I am worried for no reason and I just need to calm down and forget about it  or
 2) I am handling this quite well

to respond to the #1 people: **** off
to respond to the #2 people:  I am good at hiding things with humor and sarcasm.  It still hurts just as bad.


On a separate note I have really enjoyed all your kind comments and encouragement!   For those of you that have overcome the infertility part and have gone on to pregnancy and kiddos, please don't apologize.  I am genuinely happy when someone with infertility/loss gets another chance and I smile when I read that you have succeeded.  I am thrilled that people can move forward and get to their goal, and I hope to be one of you . . . someday :)

I will be out of town for the next week and will only have patchy wi-fi.   I decided to take a short vacation to spend time getting fed comfort food and lots of wine by my dad and catching up with my best friend.  I am thinking of it as a mental health holiday.  I expect to return after a significant amount of calories and emotional catharsis . . .  so basically fat and happy!