I had a little self-realization moment today shortly after my sono.
For the longest time I have been terrified of multiple pregnancies. Maybe this just goes back to some very bad experiences with some twins, triplets and quads in med school and residency. Or maybe I just know the risks, complications and frequencies of bad things that can happen.
At the start of this process, I was worried about the 8% risk of twins with clomid. All I wanted was to ovulate and get a little single pregnancy out of it. So when I had to move on to the next step I was a bit . . . . well . . . freaked out. Knowing fulll well that injectables carry about a 25 % risk of multiple birth, I seriously tried to convince my husband that maybe we should just do IVF with single embryo transfer to avoid the multiples risk. Given the amazing cost and the invasiveness of it, we chose not to.
For the first few cycles when I saw those multiple follicles I was more than a little worried that more than one would take. That is until all those little ovulations failed and left me with nothing, twice.
So today I was getting probed only to find out that I have one good 11 mm follicle. My first thought was not "thank goodness" like it would have been a few months ago. Nope. This time my response was "Really? Only one? Darn."
So I guess I have now accepted that twins would be okay, and maybe better than just okay. Maybe an instant family of four would avoid me experiencing this whole thing again in the future. And as for IVF - there will be no single embryo transfer for me. If I have to pay that much, I want the 75% live birth rate when transferring two as opposed to the 60% when transferring one. We just simply don't have the money to keep going on with this forever, and I don't have the resilience to keep having my soul stomped on.
It is a funny thing how this little infertility changes the way you think and the way you view the world. Something tells me this is the first of many realizations about myself.
I too have passed the 'Octomum' fear. Natural is so last year. I'm hitting the hurry up and drug me phase! Great post! So many phases of IF mentality...
ReplyDeleteIt's ironic, when we started this journey I romanticized in the opposite...I wanted multiples, longed for them actually--then when I got pregnant the idea that we had 5 eggs that possibly could have fertilized freaked me out. Now after the miscarriage I would KILL for just one--family complete...just one!
ReplyDeleteMy clinic is fairly conservative when it comes to the chance of multiples. But after 2 years, 4 IUIs, 2 IVFs and an FET with no baby to show for it, my doc encouraged us to transfer 3 embryos with our last two IVFs. The first one took as twins, but I lost it at 7ish weeks. This last time we also transferred 3. The doc who did the transfer had a less than ideal bedside manner and said "Three? You're not worried about triplets?" I wanted to smack him. Clearly we had discussed this with OUR doctor who is very familiar with our history.
ReplyDeleteSorry, rant. But my point is that, while we know the risk with a triplet pregnancy and we certainly weren't hoping all three would take, we were much more willing to take that risk than the risk of a completely unsuccessful cycle.
Dear I.G.,
ReplyDeleteI hate your journey, but love your perspective-so glad to have stumbled on this-but again hate why I found you :(
Vomitous!
I was wondering if it would be ok to add your blog to my blog roll??
Praying that 3rd round of stims is the final round!
Brooke
It really is amazing how our thoughts change during this. It is amazing how the probabilities seem high at first and then, suddenly, everything seems so unlikely to work that I want as many opportunities as possible.
ReplyDeleteI hope that this follie is the one.