I just wanted to say a little thank you for all the support After almost 6 months of ranting, today my blog turned over ten thousand pageviews with 60 followers. I never thought anyone would be interested. Its nice to think I am helping others out there deal with this because its the toughest thing I've ever had to fail over and over again. But its also nice that there have been such wonderful comments and loving support from friends I didn't know I had before all this.
So thanks :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
IF vacation is nice
10 reasons why I am enjoying my infertility vacation:
10. I haven't broken into spontaneous crying in weeks (husband sure appreciates this one)
9. No peeing on sticks
8. Haven't thrown any money in the gutter lately
7. No probing
6. I can ride rollercoasters
5. My calendar looks a lot less busy - no circled cycle day numbers, early morning appointments or scheduled inseminations
4. I look about 5 years younger (thank you haircut and retin-A)
3. I dont have to stress to about how my stress is affecting my conception or lack thereof.
2. I have told my in-laws that we have temporarily stopped trying and that its not just gonna happen on its own. Hopefully this will cut down the inquires
And the number one reason I am happy to be taking a break. . . .
When asked the question "so are you pregnant yet?" I can respond that we are taking some time off. Maybe that will keep them quiet and stop the inquiries for a while.
10. I haven't broken into spontaneous crying in weeks (husband sure appreciates this one)
9. No peeing on sticks
8. Haven't thrown any money in the gutter lately
7. No probing
6. I can ride rollercoasters
5. My calendar looks a lot less busy - no circled cycle day numbers, early morning appointments or scheduled inseminations
4. I look about 5 years younger (thank you haircut and retin-A)
3. I dont have to stress to about how my stress is affecting my conception or lack thereof.
2. I have told my in-laws that we have temporarily stopped trying and that its not just gonna happen on its own. Hopefully this will cut down the inquires
And the number one reason I am happy to be taking a break. . . .
When asked the question "so are you pregnant yet?" I can respond that we are taking some time off. Maybe that will keep them quiet and stop the inquiries for a while.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Always the bridesmaid
SO I am planning another baby shower.
If you haven't read my previous postings I will just say in short that about 6 months ago I threw a double baby shower. This was a wonderful event for my two friends and their 2 fetuses, but this was a lesson in self torture. While most of us in medicine are used to delayed gratification - most of us in OB are a little masochistic. Well . . . this was an exercise in that.
I swore I wouldn't go to another baby shower until after I had a baby - or was at least pregnant. And here I am throwing one which is so much more involved. But, alas there is one friend who I am obligated to throw a party for - and she's preggo and in town for 1 weekend in July.
Dont get me wrong - I am super happy she is pregnant, and thrilled to be throwing her a shower, but from a completely selfish perspective - I just wish the timing was a little better for me. Its hard every time someone gets pregnant and I don't no matter how happy I am for them because no matter who it is now - I have always been trying longer and had to suffer through more disappointment than they will ever understand.
But its hard to come home to the decorations I bought yesterday because its a daily reminder. And when I talk to the other people who are excited for the pregnancy and her - well . . . I just really wish there was something else to talk about.
So I will be a good sport because that is what is expected of me, but I will be tortured the entire time. This stinks.
If you haven't read my previous postings I will just say in short that about 6 months ago I threw a double baby shower. This was a wonderful event for my two friends and their 2 fetuses, but this was a lesson in self torture. While most of us in medicine are used to delayed gratification - most of us in OB are a little masochistic. Well . . . this was an exercise in that.
I swore I wouldn't go to another baby shower until after I had a baby - or was at least pregnant. And here I am throwing one which is so much more involved. But, alas there is one friend who I am obligated to throw a party for - and she's preggo and in town for 1 weekend in July.
Dont get me wrong - I am super happy she is pregnant, and thrilled to be throwing her a shower, but from a completely selfish perspective - I just wish the timing was a little better for me. Its hard every time someone gets pregnant and I don't no matter how happy I am for them because no matter who it is now - I have always been trying longer and had to suffer through more disappointment than they will ever understand.
But its hard to come home to the decorations I bought yesterday because its a daily reminder. And when I talk to the other people who are excited for the pregnancy and her - well . . . I just really wish there was something else to talk about.
So I will be a good sport because that is what is expected of me, but I will be tortured the entire time. This stinks.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Streaking
When this is all over I fully plan to take off all my clothing and run down the halls of the hospital naked.
Why you ask?
Well because seemingly everyone has already seen everything I have.
Today was the boobie MRI . . . and the radiologist reading the film . . . friend from med school. Yea! Another person to see my private parts.
Let me ask - WHY do I have to take my clothes off and have my boobs hanging down uncovered for a machine that can see through my clothing anyway?
My privates are no longer private. I feel like I need to start covering up a part of my body that wont need any looking into - just so I can keep something to myself. Lets see - my ears? The ears would be funny - I could just start walking around in the summer with earmuffs and when people ask I could say that I am just trying to be more modest.
This may however attract the attention of the psychiatrists . . . although so would streaking down the halls of the hospital.
Why you ask?
Well because seemingly everyone has already seen everything I have.
Today was the boobie MRI . . . and the radiologist reading the film . . . friend from med school. Yea! Another person to see my private parts.
Let me ask - WHY do I have to take my clothes off and have my boobs hanging down uncovered for a machine that can see through my clothing anyway?
My privates are no longer private. I feel like I need to start covering up a part of my body that wont need any looking into - just so I can keep something to myself. Lets see - my ears? The ears would be funny - I could just start walking around in the summer with earmuffs and when people ask I could say that I am just trying to be more modest.
This may however attract the attention of the psychiatrists . . . although so would streaking down the halls of the hospital.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Oh Flo . . .
If someone had told me that I would be a regular blogger a few years ago I think my initial response would have been "whats a blogger?". If someone told me at the same time that I would even be keeping a diary, I would have laughed because all my life I hated to write.
And if someone told me that I would be sharing period stories with the collective infertile universe I would have told them they were out of their mind. I will say at the end of the day that it is really good to talk about something that unnecessarily rules my life. If its not the bleeding, its the hormones that come in between.
Besides - I literally listen to people day after day talk about their periods . . . so why am I any different.
I can't say mine are actually too terrible . . . believe me that I have seen worse. But they are on the border of bad and are disruptive to my life. So I guess that counts for something.
So anyway . . . I was just doing laundry and folding my underwear (yes I am a little neurotic), and I generally pile them into their categories; cute ones, sexy ones I pull out mid-cycle, comfortable ones that I take 30 hour call in, anti-wedgie workout ones and the dreaded hole-laden period uggos). This made me wonder . . . does everyone have period underwear?
Maybe everybody else has periods that are a little more predictable and give a bit of warning, but being off birth control with PCOS and therefore out of control of any predicted start days has done some bad things for my unmentionables - but I will not mention more than that out of trying not to gross any of you out.
So I was looking at the tattered and torn pile of these little sorry misfits of my closet and thinking that I should really get rid of them . . . but what would I have to wear when the time comes.
That's when I concluded I must put a 10 month stop to these periods. I must get pregnant if for no other reason than I am just done with this process and cant bear to wear these anymore. In the meantime, I figure if I can spend the cost of a car on a month worth of IVF . . . I can probably buy some new target undies. Hopefully they will stay pretty and my belly will just outgrow them instead.
And if someone told me that I would be sharing period stories with the collective infertile universe I would have told them they were out of their mind. I will say at the end of the day that it is really good to talk about something that unnecessarily rules my life. If its not the bleeding, its the hormones that come in between.
Besides - I literally listen to people day after day talk about their periods . . . so why am I any different.
I can't say mine are actually too terrible . . . believe me that I have seen worse. But they are on the border of bad and are disruptive to my life. So I guess that counts for something.
So anyway . . . I was just doing laundry and folding my underwear (yes I am a little neurotic), and I generally pile them into their categories; cute ones, sexy ones I pull out mid-cycle, comfortable ones that I take 30 hour call in, anti-wedgie workout ones and the dreaded hole-laden period uggos). This made me wonder . . . does everyone have period underwear?
Maybe everybody else has periods that are a little more predictable and give a bit of warning, but being off birth control with PCOS and therefore out of control of any predicted start days has done some bad things for my unmentionables - but I will not mention more than that out of trying not to gross any of you out.
So I was looking at the tattered and torn pile of these little sorry misfits of my closet and thinking that I should really get rid of them . . . but what would I have to wear when the time comes.
That's when I concluded I must put a 10 month stop to these periods. I must get pregnant if for no other reason than I am just done with this process and cant bear to wear these anymore. In the meantime, I figure if I can spend the cost of a car on a month worth of IVF . . . I can probably buy some new target undies. Hopefully they will stay pretty and my belly will just outgrow them instead.
Monday, May 23, 2011
The time bombs on my chest
My mother was 42 when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Being that most cases of breast cancer are sporadic it is unlikely that I have any genetic predisposition, but that doesn't make me any less paranoid.
I have an irrational fear of breast cancer. I will take all sorts of the other illnesses I have seen but I just don't want to have to go through what she did. Maybe it is because she was dying at a time from her breast while mine were developing, but I just don't have a feminine emotional attachment to the lumps of fat that sit on my chest.
So I have been referred in for genetic counseling and possible genetic testing and thus I ask myself - do I really want to know right now? Now before I go through more crazy hormones and then 9 months of even crazier hormones? Do I want to be paranoid about breast cancer in pregnancy? If I do have some gene am I going to have preimplantation genetic diagnosis to possibly save my children from this paranoid delusional behavior?
Ignorance is bliss - and I know too much already. Since I'm in my vacation from fertility treatments I am trying to catch up on all those things that I should have been doing in the past year - I cant say this is all more important to me - but it does have some pretty big implications.
I have an irrational fear of breast cancer. I will take all sorts of the other illnesses I have seen but I just don't want to have to go through what she did. Maybe it is because she was dying at a time from her breast while mine were developing, but I just don't have a feminine emotional attachment to the lumps of fat that sit on my chest.
So I have been referred in for genetic counseling and possible genetic testing and thus I ask myself - do I really want to know right now? Now before I go through more crazy hormones and then 9 months of even crazier hormones? Do I want to be paranoid about breast cancer in pregnancy? If I do have some gene am I going to have preimplantation genetic diagnosis to possibly save my children from this paranoid delusional behavior?
Ignorance is bliss - and I know too much already. Since I'm in my vacation from fertility treatments I am trying to catch up on all those things that I should have been doing in the past year - I cant say this is all more important to me - but it does have some pretty big implications.
Friday, May 20, 2011
my body is wierd
Heres an interesting thing - I don't think I ovulated.
SOOOO many follicles and I don't think I even put out one - Heres why I think this:
1) hyperstim got better really fast - maybe it was just big honking ovary discomfort because it got better within days
2) Aunt flows twin sister came to visit - within a week of cycle cancellation. Physiologically - this is not really possible . .. but leave it to my body to figure out a way to bleed when it is not supposed to. Either I have the worst leuteal phase defect in the world or I just never got any progesterone out.
3) I'm not eating everything in sight.
4) I just saw a Hallmark commercial and did not shed a tear
Not that it matters from a fertility perspective with my planned time off, but since I have lovely endometrial shedding without a progesterone withdrawal actual period I cant say that I am really going to be at any baseline. When do I start these birth control pills? What kind of lining is going to be left? Can't my body just follow the same darn hormonal rules as everyone elses?
Amazing that this cycle is over and it still continues to frustrate me.
SOOOO many follicles and I don't think I even put out one - Heres why I think this:
1) hyperstim got better really fast - maybe it was just big honking ovary discomfort because it got better within days
2) Aunt flows twin sister came to visit - within a week of cycle cancellation. Physiologically - this is not really possible . .. but leave it to my body to figure out a way to bleed when it is not supposed to. Either I have the worst leuteal phase defect in the world or I just never got any progesterone out.
3) I'm not eating everything in sight.
4) I just saw a Hallmark commercial and did not shed a tear
Not that it matters from a fertility perspective with my planned time off, but since I have lovely endometrial shedding without a progesterone withdrawal actual period I cant say that I am really going to be at any baseline. When do I start these birth control pills? What kind of lining is going to be left? Can't my body just follow the same darn hormonal rules as everyone elses?
Amazing that this cycle is over and it still continues to frustrate me.
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