25 embryos is our day 2 count!!!
This is how I have dreamed I would feel when I see a + pregnancy test. I have imagined for so long how good that moment would feel and even thought I am not there yet - even thought it could be months before I get to the pregnancy part . . . well I am feeling that good now.
So far the result is just plain awesome and I am taking this moment in as a sign that we can get there.
We are blessed and I am ecstatic!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
I am the Harvest Winner!!!!
Through all my infertility treatments not only has there been a constant theme of failure, but there has been the constant thought of "I hate my ovaries". They got me into this mess first (sure I've got antibodies and scar tissue and one questionable tube), but the major factor has always been by inability to ovulate and my overwhelming sensitivity (or lack there of) to medications. No response at all to clomid but they exploded to cantaloupe size with the most recent regimen (and then subsequently got starved which led to plummeting estrogen levels).
Needless to say I was really worried about the egg retrieval. My RE had estimated that we were going to get 6-10 mature follicles. Don't get me wrong - after years of doing initial infertility workups and diagnosing a lot of diminished ovarian reserve, I am fully aware of how lucky I am even to get that and how low reserve is just a terrible terrible thing to have to deal with. I was so aware of age and difficulties with conception it I begged my husband to start trying way before we were married - - but thats a funny story and I will save it for another post.
So yes 6-10 would have been good, but I was hoping that if I had this much ovarian enlargement/discomfort/nausea/risk of complications that we could get a few more so I might never have to go through a stimulation cycle again. A little greedy I know, but I can't say this has been too easy.
So please don't take this as bragging, but this is the best announcement since hearing that my husband has perfect sperm. They sucked out 40 eggs yesterday and 18 were mature!!!! I am flabbergasted that I put out this many - the nurse even patted me on the back and whispered that I did better than some of their donors. I feel like I won the grand prize. My husband and I keep looking at each other and smiling little goofball smiles. I know its not an actual pregnancy and I don't know how many are going to fertilize, but it means that the process is at least going to get a bit easier at this point and I have never been so happy with my ovaries. I know its not my "fault" but I feel like I finally did something right. Its like a mixture of joy at my luck and pride that I stuck it through.
I will say however that it is not all good news. We may have to cancel egg transfer for this cycle. Kind of a bummer because it means that there will of course be more waiting, more money for frozen cycles, less chance of pregnancy if they are frozen.
As much as I am doing the happy dance around the house because of the number we got - I am fully aware that this was NOT how it was supposed to go and that the hyperstim from this could be pretty extreme. I know this partially because the happy dance (and even walking) is pretty uncomfortable with my massive abdomen thats about to get worse, and that I have been up since 4am because I couldn't take the nausea anymore. I also know the very early data about complications of pregnancies with OHSS - and while not the worst thing in the world - I have to keep reminding myself that the goal here is not just a baby, but the healthiest baby I can make.
So while I am not there yet - its a good first step. We'll see later this morning how many embryos there are. But for now I am uncomfortable but insanely happy.
Needless to say I was really worried about the egg retrieval. My RE had estimated that we were going to get 6-10 mature follicles. Don't get me wrong - after years of doing initial infertility workups and diagnosing a lot of diminished ovarian reserve, I am fully aware of how lucky I am even to get that and how low reserve is just a terrible terrible thing to have to deal with. I was so aware of age and difficulties with conception it I begged my husband to start trying way before we were married - - but thats a funny story and I will save it for another post.
So yes 6-10 would have been good, but I was hoping that if I had this much ovarian enlargement/discomfort/nausea/risk of complications that we could get a few more so I might never have to go through a stimulation cycle again. A little greedy I know, but I can't say this has been too easy.
So please don't take this as bragging, but this is the best announcement since hearing that my husband has perfect sperm. They sucked out 40 eggs yesterday and 18 were mature!!!! I am flabbergasted that I put out this many - the nurse even patted me on the back and whispered that I did better than some of their donors. I feel like I won the grand prize. My husband and I keep looking at each other and smiling little goofball smiles. I know its not an actual pregnancy and I don't know how many are going to fertilize, but it means that the process is at least going to get a bit easier at this point and I have never been so happy with my ovaries. I know its not my "fault" but I feel like I finally did something right. Its like a mixture of joy at my luck and pride that I stuck it through.
I will say however that it is not all good news. We may have to cancel egg transfer for this cycle. Kind of a bummer because it means that there will of course be more waiting, more money for frozen cycles, less chance of pregnancy if they are frozen.
As much as I am doing the happy dance around the house because of the number we got - I am fully aware that this was NOT how it was supposed to go and that the hyperstim from this could be pretty extreme. I know this partially because the happy dance (and even walking) is pretty uncomfortable with my massive abdomen thats about to get worse, and that I have been up since 4am because I couldn't take the nausea anymore. I also know the very early data about complications of pregnancies with OHSS - and while not the worst thing in the world - I have to keep reminding myself that the goal here is not just a baby, but the healthiest baby I can make.
So while I am not there yet - its a good first step. We'll see later this morning how many embryos there are. But for now I am uncomfortable but insanely happy.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
too much of a good thing
I woke up this morning and felt really good. No nausea, no headache - just a little discomfort. "gee - I may be able to do this" was the thought of my mind. Maybe the past few days weren't that bad. Maybe I'm getting used to the estrogen levels. So I went about my day pretty happy that my estrogen levels had come down just a tad from 4816 to 4125. Nice little drop in the prior days and I got to take a little pinch of follistim. I was thinking this may turn out all right.
Went to my appointment today - not much change on the sono. They told me that we'd probably play a little catch up tonight with fsh and get some of the medium follicles more mature and retrieve on saturday.
then the call. Estrogen level now 1290. yep - one friggin quarter of what it was yesterday. you know what that sounds like to me? A whole lotta dead follicles. A whole lotta what coulda been.
So then comes the decision. Do we "cancel" the cycle or push ahead quickly and try to retrieve what is mature now and get way less than we anticipated. I'm not sure how one is supposed to make that decision.
From the financial angle:
On the cancel side - it would save THOUSANDS of dollars to stop here and do it right a second time.
on the go for it side - I've just spent THOUSANDS of dollars on meds, sonos and blood draws
From the I have doctor brain angle:
Cancel=> I know that the best IVF pregnancies are good quality single embryo transfer with no hyperstim and I am way more likely to get that from a different cycle
go for it=>there's no way to tell what quality these will be until we do it
From the emotional angle:
cancel => I will be really disappointed if this does not work out well and the eggs may not be great so I may be putzing along for several frozen cycles with crap
go for it => I am really ready for this to work and we should go for it now - after all - it only really takes one embryo... right?
So I just asked my doctor what she would do and she said she would go for it and hope for the best. So there we are.
and here I am - waiting to see how this turns out. I'm not sure if I should feel excited, nervous, hopeful or pissed. Its hard to know that its less than ideal. Hard to know that it is as much money as it is to start from scratch. But I do also know that overstimulation is a bit of a blessing because its not the opposite. There will be follicles there to aspirate, and if we are playing a raffle, well at least I bought a lot of tickets.
Now all I need is a little luck.
Went to my appointment today - not much change on the sono. They told me that we'd probably play a little catch up tonight with fsh and get some of the medium follicles more mature and retrieve on saturday.
then the call. Estrogen level now 1290. yep - one friggin quarter of what it was yesterday. you know what that sounds like to me? A whole lotta dead follicles. A whole lotta what coulda been.
So then comes the decision. Do we "cancel" the cycle or push ahead quickly and try to retrieve what is mature now and get way less than we anticipated. I'm not sure how one is supposed to make that decision.
From the financial angle:
On the cancel side - it would save THOUSANDS of dollars to stop here and do it right a second time.
on the go for it side - I've just spent THOUSANDS of dollars on meds, sonos and blood draws
From the I have doctor brain angle:
Cancel=> I know that the best IVF pregnancies are good quality single embryo transfer with no hyperstim and I am way more likely to get that from a different cycle
go for it=>there's no way to tell what quality these will be until we do it
From the emotional angle:
cancel => I will be really disappointed if this does not work out well and the eggs may not be great so I may be putzing along for several frozen cycles with crap
go for it => I am really ready for this to work and we should go for it now - after all - it only really takes one embryo... right?
So I just asked my doctor what she would do and she said she would go for it and hope for the best. So there we are.
and here I am - waiting to see how this turns out. I'm not sure if I should feel excited, nervous, hopeful or pissed. Its hard to know that its less than ideal. Hard to know that it is as much money as it is to start from scratch. But I do also know that overstimulation is a bit of a blessing because its not the opposite. There will be follicles there to aspirate, and if we are playing a raffle, well at least I bought a lot of tickets.
Now all I need is a little luck.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
estrogenized
My estrogen level is 4500. (So much for not wanting to exceed 3000 - and thats after no meds for a couple days). And the best part is my (previously) normal ovary is 8 cm. Robusto!
Can I also just say . . . . Nauseating. No literally I feel like puking. I went to a BBQ yesterday and managed to eat a few chips and dip, 4 cherry tomatoes, 3 pieces of lettuce, a bite of steak and about 6 strawberries. Oh and that was the most I've eaten in days.
Today I gave up the ghost - Zofran to the rescue - and boy do I feel better. I feel like I can even go higher. So bring it on eggies. My stomach may be weak but I have a helper now. Please just don't stroke me out or torse my ovaries and I may be okay.
I CAN DO THIS!
Can I also just say . . . . Nauseating. No literally I feel like puking. I went to a BBQ yesterday and managed to eat a few chips and dip, 4 cherry tomatoes, 3 pieces of lettuce, a bite of steak and about 6 strawberries. Oh and that was the most I've eaten in days.
Today I gave up the ghost - Zofran to the rescue - and boy do I feel better. I feel like I can even go higher. So bring it on eggies. My stomach may be weak but I have a helper now. Please just don't stroke me out or torse my ovaries and I may be okay.
I CAN DO THIS!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I've got huevos!!!
And I am overstimulated. Great. Perfect.
Stupid body. I have so many darn follicles and none are dominant or big enough to grow on their own, and yet, my estrogen levels are too high to keep going. They have literally stopped my meds. Fantastic.
Well I guess we shall see if they keep growing or not. I really am going to be peeved if this whole thing yeilds one good egg that doesn't even take. With an antral follicle count of 58 and more eggs than they can count I am really hoping they can pull a lot out. Is that really greedy? Yes I admit it I want a lot of eggs harvested and I want a lot of embryos to fertilize. I'm not asking for triplets or anything, but it makes this first run so much less crucial if I've got some more stored in the freezer for next month.
And ideally now that we've deemed it to improbable to do anything other than IVF, it would be nice to have a little freezer stock for down the road. Yes I know I am feeling a little greedy here but I also feel that something has to go my way. If nothing else I am younger than the average IVF patient and I should at least have time and eggs on my side.
Unfortunately I just have too many of them to even keep going with the usual treatment.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
analogy
My friend said something last night that was kind of perfect. "It’s like you got run over by a car and you are still holding on to the bumper and getting dragged down the street. Yes it sucks that you got hit by the truck but just let go of the bumper already". She’s right. The whole thing blows but it only gets worse if I sit here and be upset about it, it will keep dragging me down – so I am letting go now. I may be injured lying in the middle of a street bleeding, but I just can’t let this stress me out right now. I am in the middle of an important process and sanity is difficult to keep on my side.
Friday, July 1, 2011
science has deemed me not a good fit for my husband
Today I was dealt another crappy card in the game of life. First and probably the worst news I have had in a long time - I have antisperm antibodies. For those of you who don't know what they are - basically I have formed an immune response to my husbands sperm that recognizes and destroys them - usually before they ever get in. Simplified - I am allergic to the best thing that ever happened to me.
F**K - sorry there is no other word.
Infertility is a funny thing. You pray for them to find a reason that you haven't gotten pregnant for so long, but when they do its devastating. I cried when I was 24 and got diagnosed with the PCOS. I cried when I had the ovarian cyst and then cried when I found out about the lack of the cyst and the destructive surgery. I cried again when I found out I have one open tube because it was going to make the ovulation induction harder, and now I am crying some more because its not even that natural conception is unlikely for me - its pretty much never going to happen. I am never going to be one of those people that has a little whoops baby. I'm not even one of those people who will be likely to succeed without ICSI.
Sure I am already in the IVF pool ready to go and ICSI will in fact help make this a non-issue. But I am just not sure why there are so many reasons nature is telling me not to have any kids.
Its like my body is fighting against this now. Now I am up to multiple separate infertility diagnoses. Don't get me wrong - through all this I have a good uterus and I am thankful for that, and I have a great husband and if I had to choose I would rather have him than a baby - but I am really upset over the implications of having antisperm antibodies.
I have a history of an autoimmune disease called ITP. Basically a few years ago I started attacking my own platelets after a bout with mono. I got over it with the help of some very high dose steroids, but I have always been worried that one autoimmune disease will be followed by others. So here we are - more inappropriate antibodies. Its not even these I care about - its the wonder of how many more there are. Do I have undiagnosed antiphospholipid antibiodies that are just going to make me miscarry when I finally do get pregnant? Am I going to have lupus nephritis/preeclampsia at 24 weeks? Am I just freaking out right now? - well yes I am, because thats what I do - but I feel justified in my fear.
All I want to do is make a child with my husband. I don't think I am asking too much from the world and almost everything in this process has been one low blow after another after another. I'm not ready for more failure.
F**K - sorry there is no other word.
Infertility is a funny thing. You pray for them to find a reason that you haven't gotten pregnant for so long, but when they do its devastating. I cried when I was 24 and got diagnosed with the PCOS. I cried when I had the ovarian cyst and then cried when I found out about the lack of the cyst and the destructive surgery. I cried again when I found out I have one open tube because it was going to make the ovulation induction harder, and now I am crying some more because its not even that natural conception is unlikely for me - its pretty much never going to happen. I am never going to be one of those people that has a little whoops baby. I'm not even one of those people who will be likely to succeed without ICSI.
Sure I am already in the IVF pool ready to go and ICSI will in fact help make this a non-issue. But I am just not sure why there are so many reasons nature is telling me not to have any kids.
Its like my body is fighting against this now. Now I am up to multiple separate infertility diagnoses. Don't get me wrong - through all this I have a good uterus and I am thankful for that, and I have a great husband and if I had to choose I would rather have him than a baby - but I am really upset over the implications of having antisperm antibodies.
I have a history of an autoimmune disease called ITP. Basically a few years ago I started attacking my own platelets after a bout with mono. I got over it with the help of some very high dose steroids, but I have always been worried that one autoimmune disease will be followed by others. So here we are - more inappropriate antibodies. Its not even these I care about - its the wonder of how many more there are. Do I have undiagnosed antiphospholipid antibiodies that are just going to make me miscarry when I finally do get pregnant? Am I going to have lupus nephritis/preeclampsia at 24 weeks? Am I just freaking out right now? - well yes I am, because thats what I do - but I feel justified in my fear.
All I want to do is make a child with my husband. I don't think I am asking too much from the world and almost everything in this process has been one low blow after another after another. I'm not ready for more failure.
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