Its amazing that when you are pregnant and not doing as fabulously as you hoped that there are really very few options.
Its been a rough week - the contractions came back with a vengeance. Fortunately my cervix is still holding stable. I wouldn't exactly call it fort knox - it is a little stumpy - but not technically to the point where I am considered real preterm labor.
What I find a little weird is that we as obgyns see it a little as all or nothing. Either the cervix is changing and its really really bad . . .. or the cervix is stable and everything is fine. I can't really tell where I fall into this picture because I am not sure that I am either one of these. I was to the point yesterday that not only could I not stand through work without huffing and puffing through contractions, but I couldn't sit and stop contracting either.
So I took a trip to my 2nd home on labor and delivery, only this time I was the recipient of care as opposed to the giver. All things checked out okay and after they made me lay down for a while - of course I did better and stopped contracting. (I am not complaining here because every day she stays in is a day I am thankful for). Problem with work is I can't just stop everything in the middle of a day and lay down for a while to make myself feel better.
The question is what to do with my life though. I don't meet technical requirements to stop working and go on bedrest (and believe me thats not what I want and its really never been proven to help), but at the same time I have cut everything else already and the hours I am working are obviously not working for me.
There is no way to say - okay I am ready to work 20-30 hours a week now instead of my 40+. There are just too many patients to see and too much work to be done - and technically I am not being diagnosed with preterm labor so I don't even have a justifiable medical reason. The ironic thing is I could probably work longer if I could take it a little easier. The weekends are going really well because they are mostly spent on the couch - but then I get hit when I go back to work each monday.
There is nothing more important to me than keeping this little one in - if someone knew in their crystal ball and told me that quitting my job would be the only way to have a healthy baby, I would throw out my umpteen years of training in a heartbeat. But nobody can tell me which way this is going to go. I myself have seen people contract like this their entire pregnancies and then need to be induced for post-dates. I have also seen absolute disasters and now that I am almost to the viable stage I am terrified she could be born so premature.
I am thankful for my husband for waiting on me every night after I assume the position on the couch. I am thankful for my little fetus who doesn't seem to be at all bothered by this. I will be very thankful if I am still pregnant in a few weeks.
So for now, I just keep going along like everything is normal. Time will tell.