23 weeks

This is going to be a hard week for me - actually a hard month.

First of all . .. uterus decided it was going to cooperate and relax more today.  A little bit rough initially with lots of contractions this morning when rounding but then I got to clinic - saw patients with my feet up (thank god for gracious patients) and tonight dare I say - I am moving about the house (albeit minimally) with only the non-painful variety.

But 23 weeks is hard.  Its so hard because it is on the cusp of really being a possibility, but also on the border of having very bad outcomes.

Until this time, as much as I am irrevocably in love with this little thing, I have refused to call her a baby.  She is still my little fetus.  Non-viable, full of potential, but not old enough to be on her own.   I have refused to let many thoughts go through my head about what her life will be like or assume that she will even be there for sure.  I know I can loose her at any minute and it terrifies me to know all the possible ways that could happen.

This is going to be a hard week to get through - I need to make it several to feel good, but this is like the last week of near-guaranteed loss if something goes wrong.  Next week (and to a lesser extent the few weeks after) may be even worse because its going to be the week of likely permanent disabilities if she is born early.  There will be nothing but major guilt if I do anything to provoke that.

So I think this could be the most important month in determining the rest of my life and hers.  Whenever I have had those important months in life/career I have busted my butt to do whatever I needed to do to make it work. Now what I have to do is a whole lot of nothing.  I need to keep my feet up, I need to be on the couch hydrating and eating well, and I need to relax.

Hard to tell that to my brain and even harder to demand it from a my defiant womb.  So for now I will just keep crossing my fingers . . . and my legs.