Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I saw red

I had my first little freaky experience last night - started bleeding.

Not much, but enough to freak me out.  Had just gotten home from work and was getting ready to get on a flight for a much anticipated business trip and low and behold . . . there it was.  Bright red.  Definitely coming from the place I did not want it to be coming from.  And then . . . contractions.  She hadn't been moving much yesterday and I couldn't feel her on my way to the hospital.


The good news is I have friends in high places and I basically facilitated my own workup and had an exam and ultrasound very quickly - all of which revealed no clear reason and that kiddo was completely unaffected.  So while I was internally freaking out, I didn't have to freak out for very long.

The bad news is that I know EVERYTHING that can go wrong so despite the reassuring physical findings, I know that while it is likely NOTHING, it could be a harbinger for badness.

Anyway, my butt is glued to the couch today as I work remotely.  Business trip is cancelled but she is way more important to me.  I contract every time I get up but at least they have slowed down and no more blood.

I try very hard to not have anxiety about this pregnancy.  Hard not to after all the infertility.  Even my colleague commented that I seemed abnormally calm about all this - I reassured her that I was in fact an internal mess.  Can one really ever expect a normal pregnancy after IVF?  My job-brain says yes, but my personal brain says no.  I just don't know how to reassure myself.  After all that infertility that is the one skill I missed out on and something tells me I am not going to gain it now.

It is funny though . . . every time I start to get upset she thumps me.  Little Miss Reassuring.  She must already know its the only thing that works.


  1. Scary, but I'm so glad to hear everything ended up fine!

  2. I'm thinking peaceful, healthy thoughts for you and baby girl!

  3. Really hoping everything goes OK with you.
    And your personal brain is correct. I know were not in the same situation now, but when I just acknowledge that infertility makes me crazy and its OK to be crazy, its better because I'm not trying to fight it. Its like trying to tell yourself you aren't hungry when you are starving.

  4. Very scary. Thinking of you and glad that you're taking it easy.