I saw red

I had my first little freaky experience last night - started bleeding.

Not much, but enough to freak me out.  Had just gotten home from work and was getting ready to get on a flight for a much anticipated business trip and low and behold . . . there it was.  Bright red.  Definitely coming from the place I did not want it to be coming from.  And then . . . contractions.  She hadn't been moving much yesterday and I couldn't feel her on my way to the hospital.

S**T

The good news is I have friends in high places and I basically facilitated my own workup and had an exam and ultrasound very quickly - all of which revealed no clear reason and that kiddo was completely unaffected.  So while I was internally freaking out, I didn't have to freak out for very long.

The bad news is that I know EVERYTHING that can go wrong so despite the reassuring physical findings, I know that while it is likely NOTHING, it could be a harbinger for badness.

Anyway, my butt is glued to the couch today as I work remotely.  Business trip is cancelled but she is way more important to me.  I contract every time I get up but at least they have slowed down and no more blood.

I try very hard to not have anxiety about this pregnancy.  Hard not to after all the infertility.  Even my colleague commented that I seemed abnormally calm about all this - I reassured her that I was in fact an internal mess.  Can one really ever expect a normal pregnancy after IVF?  My job-brain says yes, but my personal brain says no.  I just don't know how to reassure myself.  After all that infertility that is the one skill I missed out on and something tells me I am not going to gain it now.

It is funny though . . . every time I start to get upset she thumps me.  Little Miss Reassuring.  She must already know its the only thing that works.