further proof that fertiles don't know we exist

There is some benefit to going to an infertility clinic that is only an infertility clinic.  Unfortunately I go to a regular large practice OBGYN clinic that has ovulation induction in the mornings.

So this morning I am waiting for my sono with about 5 other infertiles.  I know this because there are only infertility appointments from 7-8.  Several people are carrying little white bags, some husbands come in and disappear for 10 minutes before joining their wives.  We all know the receptionist by first name and talk to her about her new puppy.  But everybody is quiet.  We don't talk, just sit there and looked pissed off but with the quiet recognition that we are all in the suckage together.

Today I was waiting longer than usual.  (seriously screwed up my entire day but thats besides the point)  So I got to be there as the regular obgyn patients came in for their appointments.  Apparently this was new ob day.  A woman walked in with her partner, clearly excited and asking all sorts of questions. . .  "They're going to do an ultrasound right?  Will my primary care doctor get a letter from this clinic about my pregnancy?  Oh my gosh . . . I can't believe my insurance didn't authorize my new pregnancy visit."

 Then the next woman walks in with what appear to be her 3 year old daughter and her mother.  "See honey, this is where we came when you were in my belly and today we get to see the new baby.  Aren't you excited to see your sister or brother?  Yes you are!"

So for all you new preggers - Please just keep your mouth shut.  Health care providers are required by law to protect your privacy - people should have to keep their voices down no matter where they are if they are around other people.  I'm glad you're excited but don't rub it in - even though you think the world is revolving around your uterus.  Do your part to keep your own privacy.  I really don't want to know - I just want to get probed and leave.

But alas - to them I don't exist.  Thanks.

human fecundity stinks even worse with 1 tube

and the sono says . . .
 2 follicles on my right (closed tube side)

darn it

oh well.  20% of ectopics occur on the opposite tube from ovulation so if you combine the 20 percent fecundity to the 20 percent tubal crossover with the fact that there are 2 eggies gives me about a 8 percent chance for the cycle to be successful.

this stinks.  I hate numbers today.

The joys of estrogen

Seriously I have got a lot of hormones going on.

This is the time in the cycle where I actually feel good!  Sure I have twinges of pain, but I am not a crazy person for once and physically I feel close to normal - even the depression seems to have started to lift.   Some people say that progesterone gives them a sense of well being  - not me . . . hate it because I am a basket case and I cry too much.  Its the time when I have my follicles producing so much estrogen that I actually feel normal, plus my shirts look good.

This makes me realize a few thing about my future:

1) PCOS gives me lots of unopposed estrogen - which is why I characterize this as "normal".  This could be dangerous long term if I keep my uterus (endometrial hyperplasia and cancer and such) . . . but after I'm done with it . . . cest la vie. (crystal ball says hysterectomy is in my 40's)

2) This also makes me realize - menopause will suck.  I don't think I will deal with it well - especially since I am not dealing with this very well. (but I guess I will get a trial of that when I hit IVF-land.)

3) I will have a great rack when I finally get pregnant.

Tomorrow I get to see how many follicles are really putting out this much estrogen.  Lets hope not too many!

birthday present

My birthday is coming up is a few weeks - I'm asking for a dog.

I've wanted a dog all my life but could never have one because of my dads allergies followed by a long series of rental properties with "no animal" clauses.   So we finally have our own place with enough room for a four-legged furry friend and we were planning on getting one as soon as we moved.  But then we thought it might better to have a baby first  . . .so we have been waiting . . . and waiting.

So I am done waiting - I want a dog and I want one for my birthday.  Its not like I have to wait to conceive one and deliver one - there are thousands out there that need a good home - and I could be a good doggie owner.   I've been looking on local rescue websites and I've found some great dogs out there and showing my husband. I don't think he's got the hint yet . . .but I am working on it.

So I am hoping and finger crossing.  Maybe I can be a mom in the near future after all.  I know it sounds rash because this is the first time I have said something but we've actually been planning it out for a while and its time to make it happen.  Yes its a substitution, but its the only one I can think of that will actually act like a substitution.

sono update

several little follicles this morning - nobody is owning up to dominance.  I am thinking left (good side) thoughts so I tried to be very liberal today.  Don't know if it will work but I am aiming for hippie zen.

practice makes perfect

I think I am finally getting good at the injections - I used to have bruises covering my belly but lately we seem to have found the magic spots that don't bruise and don't even hurt.  I am finding a happy medium with ultrasounds - helps that I now have 4 cycles of history to show how I have responded.  I've developed a little schedule to remember all my meds regardless of subQ vs oral vs vaginal routes.   I have even learned to ignore the cyst pain.

Dare I say I am getting good at this?  Dare I say that practice makes perfect?

We shall see if it is all working on tomorrows sono.  Theme for this cycle is "if at first you don't succeed try and try and try and try and try again."

Taxes

Why is it that people with kids have all sorts of tax breaks – what about us infertiles?

I am seriously spending more money on infertility treatments than most people spend on their kids and when we hit IVF-land It will be like paying our future embryo’s way through college – without them being any smarter for it or even a guarantee that they will even exist.

I am dumping money lots of money into the local economy.  I am supporting the jobs of multiple doctors, nurses, andrologists, office people.  The government should thank me for my generous hemorrhage of more money than I have ever spent on anything other than my house.

I just did my taxes and finally fell into the tax bracket entitled "totally screwed" which is really good because it is the first full year of a real income in my life (so I can finally afford this stuff), but bad because we got hit hard.   The problem is that we hit a little level called the alternative minimum tax.  I calculated it out earlier this year that if we had to do 2 cycles of IVF and we could fit them in before the end of 2011 that we would hit the minimum amount of medical expenses needed to deduct it on our taxes.  When you are taxed at 42% rate between state and federal, this return on IVF expenses is thousands and thousands of dollars.

Enter something I didn't consider (since I am not an accountant and doctors are terrible with money) the Alternative Minimum Tax.   I thought this was only for rich people, but not only did it keep us from deducting thousands of dollars we both spent on medical licensing and board certification, stopped the ability to deduct interest on our six-figure student loans but it also increases the minimum for medical deductions by more than we will be able to afford for IVF. 

I thought I was being smart about all this, but obviously there was an epic fail in my analysis, so don't take anything I have said on this blog too seriously.

Oh well, nice to know I am getting screwed by taxes so I probably did them right.  And for me getting screwed has never amounted to any bundles of joy so at least there is no change.