It is still hard for me to fathom that I am in the double digits of weeks let alone the 2nd trimester. With all the disappointments along the way, I had set myself up mentally to be able to handle a first trimester loss. Not that I expected it, but I did recognize that it was a possibility.
But here I am still pregnant, although not really out of the woods. There is no mental setup for what could be. I just have to ignore possibilities for now and ride this one out.
I think I am huge for a few reasons:
1) ovary on top of the uterus. Its like having a counterproductive twin.
2) I was so big from the IVF ovarian masses at 5 wk that I think it stretched things out a bit. (Its like my belly was primed and ready to go)
3) I lost a decent amount of weight 2 yr ago and kept it off for all the fertility treatment. I had a tiny waist after the diet - not anymore!
4) I am lovin' the carbs - my perfect meal is a salad with balsamic and a half a baguette. (although I have really only put on about 5 lb - the fat pad on the top of my belly has claimed all of it)
It all still feels like a bit of pretend to me. Like I am dressing up as a princess (because there is still a component of feeling like it is not real). I hate to admit it but I can't tell you how many times I tried to push out my belly and look in the mirror and pretend I was pregnant - and now here I am - and its really happening.
It was fun being out of town and wearing whatever I wanted to - I didn't have to hide it. I could just hang out looking like a pregnant person at the pool in my bikini (or at least a woman with a very odd body shape). I just wish I could be more proud of it, but right now I have to keep it covered. Emotionally because I don't really want people knowing before I have more info, but physically its getting difficult because it is a decent amount to hide.
Despite the big sweaters and the strategically placed sweatshirts, I am loosing the battle. Two days ago one of my nurses called me out on it, although she made me feel better because she knew I was trying. Today though - I was talking to a colleague and I felt like I was a waitress at hooters. I wanted to say "my eyes are up here" because I knew what she was staring at.
Crap. Really what I want to do is run to the top of the mountain and yell to the world "I AM FINALLY PREGNANT!' but I just can't yet. And I really wish people could mind their own business a little more just to give me a little more time.
I hope one day though I will just look back at this and laugh.
I wish it was possible to hide it and just tell people when you wanted them to know. There was an episode of Eureka where they invented a shirt that made your belly appear go away when pregnant. That would be so useful in the initial months when you're uncertain and well-meaning people feel compelled to ask questions and cheer.
ReplyDeleteI love that you were able to be open at the pool!