Wednesday, October 5, 2011


It is still hard for me to fathom that I am in the double digits of weeks let alone the 2nd trimester.  With all the disappointments along the way, I had set myself up mentally to be able to handle a first trimester loss.  Not that I expected it, but I did recognize that it was a possibility.

But here I am still pregnant, although not really out of the woods.  There is no mental setup for what could be.  I just have to ignore possibilities for now and ride this one out.

So even though I am still trying to hide it - I am VERY visibly pregnant.  Enough that people are commenting.  I look about 24 wk instead of 14.  I have not seen many people pooch out like I have - and I have seen my fair share of pregnant bellies. 

I think I am huge for a few reasons:
1) ovary on top of the uterus.  Its like having a counterproductive twin.  The good side is that my uterus is now larger than my ovary (not that I think my big ol' gagnormo gonad is shrinking but at least it has stopped the rapid conquest for pelvic real estate).
2) I was so big from the IVF ovarian masses at 5 wk that I think it stretched things out a bit.  (Its like my belly was primed and ready to go)
3) I lost a decent amount of weight 2 yr ago and kept it off for all the fertility treatment.  I had a tiny waist after the diet - not anymore!
4) I am lovin' the carbs - my perfect meal is a salad with balsamic and a half a baguette.  (although I have really only put on about 5 lb - the fat pad on the top of my belly has claimed all of it)

It all still feels like a bit of pretend to me.  Like I am dressing up as a princess (because there is still a component of feeling like it is not real).   I hate to admit it but I can't tell you how many times I tried to push out my belly and look in the mirror and pretend I was pregnant - and now here I am - and its really happening.

It was fun being out of town and wearing whatever I wanted to - I didn't have to hide it.  I could just hang out looking like a pregnant person at the pool in my bikini (or at least a woman with a very odd body shape).   I just wish I could be more proud of it, but right now I have to keep it covered.   Emotionally because I don't really want people knowing before I have more info, but physically its getting difficult because it is a decent amount to hide.

Despite the big sweaters and the strategically placed sweatshirts, I am loosing the battle.  Two days ago one of my nurses called me out on it, although she made me feel better because she knew I was trying.  Today though - I was talking to a colleague and I felt like I was a waitress at hooters.  I wanted to say "my eyes are up here" because I knew what she was staring at.

Crap.  Really what I want to do is run to the top of the mountain and yell to the world "I AM FINALLY PREGNANT!' but I just can't yet.  And I really wish people could mind their own business a little more just to give me a little more time.  

I hope one day though I will just look back at this and laugh.

1 comment:

  1. I wish it was possible to hide it and just tell people when you wanted them to know. There was an episode of Eureka where they invented a shirt that made your belly appear go away when pregnant. That would be so useful in the initial months when you're uncertain and well-meaning people feel compelled to ask questions and cheer.

    I love that you were able to be open at the pool!