Monday, August 8, 2011

infertility screws with your head

This has been a weirdly emotional journey the past few weeks.  Sorry for the lack of posts in the past week but its actually been a bit of a head trip and I have been trying to distract myself.

Physically I am doing great.  No bleeding, no nausea, my ovaries have actually decreased in size to the point where they are both back in my pelvis.  (I can tell because my belly is way less bloated and I have to pee all the time again because of the pressure).

Mentally I am having a little trouble with it.   There is happiness and hope primarily, but also a new anxiety I have never had to deal with.  I am grateful that this has been perfectly normal so far, but I have realized that it NEVER crossed my mind that my pregnancy would be normal.  All along I have expected the worst.  I have expected first trimester bleeding and hyperemesis and ectopics and all manner of bad things.  Its like I keep waiting to have something bad happen because the thought in my head is that I am going to have to struggle through the next 9 months the same way I have struggled through the past couple years.

I had my first miscarriage dream the other night.  Terribly vivid.  Terribly upsetting.  Woke up in tears because it felt real.  I went to the bathroom and fully expected to see red but nothing there.  And nothing there the next day, or the next.  And so today I am still okay, and still pregnant.  Actually after all the crazy things I have done to my body with hormones combined with terrible periods - this may be the first time I have felt well for more than a week in over a year.

Tomorrow another scan to look for a heartbeat.  I think I may relax a bit when I see it, but hopefully at some point I will change my way of thinking and relinquish the doom gloom and failure of infertility that I have gotten so used to dealing with.

There is no medical reason this pregnancy can't go well.  My ex-boyfriend once told me I had good "child-birthing hips" so hell, I may have been born for this.  Hopefully, the hardest thing about this pregnancy will be the conception - that is if I can get my head under control.

Crossing-fingers . . .


  1. I just went in for my 20 week ultrasound and the tech asked me if I was ready. My response: no not really. Why? he asked. Because after 20 ultrasounds, the majority of which were not for good reasons, I was prepared to see nothing good on this one. I'm halfway through my pregnancy and I'm still a little doom and gloom. IF definitely messes with your head. I haven't had an easy run, and for the past 7 weeks things have been pretty good, but I'm still terrified and will be until I hold my screaming baby in my arms.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. IF definitely takes the naivety of pg bliss away from any woman. So this is normal...sorry for the mind screw but hoping you will ease into pg soon...and maybe it may be a 40 week white knuckle ride like it was for me. But day by far so good.

  3. IF does make it so hard to just be positive. And, I'm sure your profession doesn't help, either. BUT, things are looking good and I'm very hopeful for you! Hope to hear about a great heartbeat soon!