one way to get back at a pregnant person

I have discovered something from the other side that I wish I knew a year ago.  Silent but awesome way to quietly torture a smug preggo . . . .

wear a lot of bad perfume.

I have seriously always hated perfume.  I think there is nothing more offensive than someone who wears too much.  I would rather sit next to a dude with the worst BO than to sit next to a woman that think she smells good.

I ask - If its socially unacceptable to go around having your music audible to everyone, why do I have to smell you?

Now with my very keen sense of smell - perfume is driving me batty.  I went to the doctors for my ultrasound and there was a 60 ish woman in the elevator that stunk up the whole place.  If she was a little younger or I was less happy I would have asked her to take the stairs.  I literally plugged my nose and made my husband laugh.

SO anyway - if you ever want to be a little subtle and make your smug pregnant acquaintance slightly uncomfortable - theres your answer.

flicker

Today I saw the tiniest little heartbeat.

Today we looked at each other and stared in amazement at our future family member.  Most people contribute a sperm and an egg initially and invest their energy later into the pregnancy to bond with their child.  But we started long ago and put so much of ourselves into the process of creating this little fetus.  In addition there have been countless others that have put part of themselves in too.

And from today on - my heart will never be the same.  As much as there was love between us that grew for each other in the absence of success, our hearts now swell with love for this microscopic little being.  And its not just us - its everyone who put in a little love for what they do who made this possible.

I can't wait for that little heart to grow and to fuel the life of a baby . . . our baby.  And I hope that baby grows to be a person with a big generous heart.  Goodness knows it is starting off with a ton of love from a lot of people - that should be more than enough to get it started and keep it going.

infertility screws with your head

This has been a weirdly emotional journey the past few weeks.  Sorry for the lack of posts in the past week but its actually been a bit of a head trip and I have been trying to distract myself.

Physically I am doing great.  No bleeding, no nausea, my ovaries have actually decreased in size to the point where they are both back in my pelvis.  (I can tell because my belly is way less bloated and I have to pee all the time again because of the pressure).

Mentally I am having a little trouble with it.   There is happiness and hope primarily, but also a new anxiety I have never had to deal with.  I am grateful that this has been perfectly normal so far, but I have realized that it NEVER crossed my mind that my pregnancy would be normal.  All along I have expected the worst.  I have expected first trimester bleeding and hyperemesis and ectopics and all manner of bad things.  Its like I keep waiting to have something bad happen because the thought in my head is that I am going to have to struggle through the next 9 months the same way I have struggled through the past couple years.

I had my first miscarriage dream the other night.  Terribly vivid.  Terribly upsetting.  Woke up in tears because it felt real.  I went to the bathroom and fully expected to see red but nothing there.  And nothing there the next day, or the next.  And so today I am still okay, and still pregnant.  Actually after all the crazy things I have done to my body with hormones combined with terrible periods - this may be the first time I have felt well for more than a week in over a year.

Tomorrow another scan to look for a heartbeat.  I think I may relax a bit when I see it, but hopefully at some point I will change my way of thinking and relinquish the doom gloom and failure of infertility that I have gotten so used to dealing with.

There is no medical reason this pregnancy can't go well.  My ex-boyfriend once told me I had good "child-birthing hips" so hell, I may have been born for this.  Hopefully, the hardest thing about this pregnancy will be the conception - that is if I can get my head under control.

Crossing-fingers . . .

I've got a sac!!!

Its still there and I can see it! - a little small for what it should be but within the range of acceptable.  I walked into that appointment completely thinking it was all over - like I couldn't possibly have made it this far.  Like I wasn't deserving of really being pregnant.

The head trip that I put myself through.  Not sure why I torture myself.  Maybe its self defense or maybe I think to much.  Probably a lot of all of it.

But its there - the rest doesn't matter.  Yes I have ovaries up to my belly button with so many cysts she couldn't even count them - but I guess that the only real sign of pregnancy I have - the fact that they keep responding and growing to the HCG.  My RE was shocked by the scan and apologized after she looked at my abdomen for how I must feel.  I just looked back at her and told her as long as I saw that little sac it didn't matter how uncomfortable I feel.

I will take it - take it all.  I want it that bad.  And maybe thats the biggest reason of why I am so worried, because I know how much it all means.

well at least my ovary is growing

My ghagnormous ovaries have been a problem throughout this entire process.  They were pretty huge at the time of the retrieval and the transfer.  That along with all of the other issues/meds at that time - well I was pretty bloated.

But now its getting a little out of control.  My left ovary is stuck to my anterior abdominal wall because of my previous surgery and lets just say that when I lie down I have been able to see/feel the little bulge.  Well over the past week its been continuing to get bigger and bigger.

I have no idea if this little pregnancy has continued to exist give my complete disappearance of symptoms, but I am sure that my ovary is there and thriving.

Its at the point where I look easily 20 weeks pregnant because its almost to my navel- and I don't think this is just bloating anymore.  I think this is all one ovary - Its taking up my entire pelvis and I can't really hide it.  People are going to start asking if I am pregnant - I may have to come up with some creative stories because I hope the answer is still yes.

Needless to say I moved up my ultrasound appointment to tomorrow.   I can't take the waiting anymore and I feel that I have a good excuse.  All this is not really a complaint - if there is a little sac tomorrow I don't care at all what it feels like, how I look or anything else.  Im just a little worried medically about how big this ovary is getting and what it could do in a pregnancy or how long it could take to get rid of if I have FET #1 in my future.  The honest truth is that I am a lot worried that there is not going to be anything inside the uterus - because thats all I really care about at this point.

crossing fingers.