My husband made an funny observation the other day. He stated that this pregnancy just seems to be taking a really long time. When other people get pregnant they usually tell you after their first trimester and you see them a couple of times - watch their belly grow and the next thing you know - theres a baby. When you are knee deep in it - especially since we have hit quite a few speed bumps on our journey - it seems to take much longer than the requisite 40 weeks.
But when I look at it closer it is beyond just seeming longer than normal - it HAS been longer than normal. I cleaned out an old purse the other day I hadn't used in a few years and I discovered my 2010 calendar (before I had an i phone) and amongst all the work commitments and listings of birthdays there was a symbol in each corner. Red letters to indicate how heavy my period was that day, positive and negatives (actually just really negatives) for the LH testing, little smily faces every other day mid cycle and sad faces at the end of each cycle to indicate the negative pregnancy tests. Then it got more intense with the dieting (seriously calculating every calorie I consumed), the records of workouts and the development of little symbols for different meds from progesterone to clomid to injectables. All ending the same with punctuation by a series of unhappy faces.
If I had gotten pregnant when I started trying I would already be working on a second baby. This is like a two and a half year gestation - thats longer than an elephant. And the other side of it is that I have been painfully contracting for so long I am really ready for them actually to get worse so they will eventually stop.
So anyway - I am ready. More ready than most. I'm not nervous about labor or delivery. I don't worry about how much it will hurt or if I will need a c-section. I just really need her out. Yes I want to feel better than I do now, but I really want her out so I know she is ok. It all sounds so completely stupid but the only thing I am anxious about is her.
Not that the worries will go away once she is an infant but I think I am ready to close the book on this chapter of my life. Don't get me wrong - being pregnant has been a little slice of wonderful - and I still consider myself lucky that it only took a couple years to get to this point. For me though, this has always been about having a family to me - not so much the journey getting there or the time being pregnant.
The road has been long and I can see the finish line and with every step closer I am obsessing about tripping. I am trying to have patience but I just find myself hoping that she will come sooner than later - partially from anxiety and partially just from pure excitement. Maybe after all of this I am just overly ready to be a mom.