The name game

So we decided that since there may be an impending arrival we better get some things ready.

furniture - done
carseat - check
pack of diapers - can get at the store later
name - uuuugughhhhh!

My husband and I have been working on a name since she became viable - but literally we couldn't get it down further than a one page single spaced word document. So we sat in the hospital room the first night and narrowed.

When you have been infertile and you have watched everyone else have babies - there are a considerable amount of names that your friends have already taken.  There have always been names that I've thought I could name my daughter - but slowly and surely over the past few years several of them have been picked off by friends more naturally prone to procreation.

But the ones that have been picked up since I got pregnant just seem unfair.  There is a name that we have liked from the beginning but then around christmas we saw one of our old friends (not too close - someone we see yearly) and their new baby has that name.  This name is in the top 10 in popularity so I think its fine to use - but my husband just doesn't feel right about it.

Fast forward tot he hospital the other night we actually picked a favorite and actually got a little attached to it.  The problem . . . a really good friend from college (whom I have not spoken to in the past 9 months mostly out of negligence on my part and new-mommyhood on hers) named her kid that name.  I had completely forgotten because her daughter has only been referred to by nickname since she was born, and I cant say I've been too smart in the past few days because of how not-well I have been feeling.  I figured it out about a day later and now the hubbie and I are disappointed all over again.

You would think that with my 10,000 names baby book that we could come up with lots of names - and maybe we could - but there is a certain amount of obsession to it at this point.  It has to be perfect - we've put so much into her already we want to make sure that we love her name at least a fraction of how much we already love her.

So now we have a shortened list to choose from - I think at this point we are just hoping for more time so we can get excited about another one.

discontinue IV, discharge home, undelivered!

Well - its been an interesting ride lately.

Long and short of it . . . I haven't posted much lately because things haven't been that great on the uterine front.  Slowly and surely the contractions have been progressively worse - culminating early this week with a really long uncomfortable day on monday, contractions waking me from sleep monday night to a purely torturous day on tuesday.

I tried to ignore it - tried to just get the job done well and I did.  Its amazing how much discomfort you can ignore when you are focused on the work - but afterwards I knew I felt terrible. Wednesday morning I got up and realized my fundal height had dropped by about 6 cm and the pelvic pressure was intense.  So what did I do - hemmed and hawed and tried to ignore it.

Yup . . . major denial . . . not proud of it at all.  But what got me is that she slowed down her movements.  There was no denying that.  So I went in - of course was dilated and contracting and now officially in preterm labor with her little head wedged down in my pelvis.

Anyway fast forward to today and I am 34 weeks, steroid exposed and still pregnant.  I am home after a 2 day hospital stay.  But the way I intermittently contract is not looking promising, and medications are not really looking like a good long term option.  Things have been intense in the middle of the night so I am hoping I make it through tonight without meds because my blood pressure and baby do not tolerate the medications well.

I'm not sure if I am mad at myself or if there is a component of anger for there not being any options on how to really take it easy at work.  I hate that I was pushed to my breaking point but maybe that is my fault.  I just wish there had been a way to work a little less - especially since I think I could have worked up until my due date and work would have been better served - now the people who have to cover for me are hosed for weeks more than anticipated.

On the other hand . . . I am really thankful to be at this point . . . and really thankful I can try to go longer.  34 weeks has been a BIG goal all along.  Chances are at this point baby girl will do fine.  Probably will have some feeding and growing issues but hopefully she can breathe without assistance and not be in the NICU too long.  But I do want to be a little greedy and incubate her as long as I can.

This is my only job now - I am not going to be a physician for months which is far longer than any break from education and career I have ever taken.  I hope I do a good job of it.