Saturday, September 17, 2011

An update

I officially made it to 12 weeks yesterday but this has been much harder than I ever expected.

I have told multiple people when they ask how I am doing that everything has been great and that I am super happy to be nauseated - which don't get me wrong is still kind of true.  At some point though I just started to feel so bad that I officially pronounced that the old infertile me would be disappointed in the new pregnant me for not being able to suck it up.  I also had a difficult time posting because no matter what, I am kind of bragging to be pregnant - and it just felt like if I bragged that fate would get me.

So I didn't post and I didn't brag -but fate through me a fast ball that hit me upside the head anyway.

On Thursday I went in for my nuchal and saw this cute little thing that looks just like my husband.  Big head and a thick neck.  Problem is that thick little neck and some very low papp-a blood test results combined to give this little fetus a calculated 1 in 11 chance of down's syndrome.  Now, I am 34 years old and no spring chicken, but I was expecting a little more like 1/200 so to get hit with such a high number has been potentially devastating.

I say potentially devastating because this could all work out perfectly well, but its the mind screw that is going to be the problem.  When you get bad news like this, even though likely this will turn out to be nothing, its just too much to fathom.  You stop thinking about the next several months of the pregnancy and start to think about the rest of your life and how one little chromosome can change everything.

One could say I know a little to much - which is true.  My mind is on a high-speed rail train going through the years instead of focusing on just the next step.  But the truth is we are going to have to wait a signficiant amount of time to really figure this out - which is a lot of time to spend freaking out about it.

We were offered a cvs next week vs an amnio at about 15 weeks.  The whole idea behind first trimester screening is to give a couple an earlier answer so they don't have to wait so long to find out, but with the published rates of a 1/100 loss after cvs, I just can't take that chance.  If we lost the pregnancy I would NEVER forgive myself.  So we are waiting for about 15-16 wk for the amnio where the loss rate at my institution is more like 1/400.  Problem is that combine the waiting time for the amnio with the waiting time for the results we are looking at 5-6 weeks before we know anything more.

The other not-so-great thing is that I now have a 6 cm solid mass on one of my ovaries.  Gone are the huge cystic egg sacs that they were and here is this thing that actually freaked out my perinatologist more than my downs risk.  The funny thing is that the ovary with the mass is good old stumpy that really was but a small little half-an ovary after my surgery.  I guess I can't call him stumpy anymore.  Maybe lumpy - especially since he is adhered to my abdominal wall and getting pushed out by my uterus.  I already look about 18 weeks and am having trouble not looking very pregnant - but its really all ovary.


So please forgive the lack of positivity in this post.  I am feeling pretty beat up - both physically and emotionally.  Every time I think about the possibility that that perfect little embryo we implanted could have had a little extra chromosome in each of its 8 cells I physically can't even breathe.  Its like I have to remind myself to just take a breath because if I don't the gravity of it all will just crush my chest.

Through it all though I just keep telling myself the following two things:

1)  I still have a 91% chance of having a totally normal kid in there.  When you look at where I have come from between the 10% chance of conception per cycle to the thirty-something percent chance of a single embryo transfer IVF cycle taking to the 50% chance of miscarriage in the first few weeks -->  I'm still doing way better than before and this is the first time the odds are really in my favor.

2)  breathe

18 comments:

  1. Wow, you have had a lot going on. I think a baby with down's would still be a blessing. I think NOT having a baby would be the worst thing. I am a school social worker and I have had the pleasure of working with many children with down syndrome. Hang in there though : )

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  2. It's so hard when we know too much....I commend you on not taking the risk for a CVS. I also chose not to do the CVS or the amnio for that matter. Anything that came with a risk of miscarriage was just too much for me. With my threatened miscarriage around 12 weeks right before my NT scan...my bragging rights were taken away rather quickly too.

    I hope you stick with the positive side of this...91% is way better than 10%. You've already surpassed where you thought you could be! Keeping you as always in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for the update...you were missed!

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  3. Thanks for updating us - I have been thinking about you and hoping everything was ok. I am so sorry you have to go through all this stress about the possible down's risk. There is still a pretty smail chance that your fetus is affected I will pray that everything turns out normal. I wish there as a better way to test it now.

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  4. My heart goes out to you, during this time of uncertainty. I was also given a low percentage of Downs when I was pregnant last year. All of the Drs poo-poo'd the REAL possibility, while I spent my pregnancy in fear and on "high-alert." My baby was born with Downs.
    While scary, and life-changing, I can honestly say that it is not the end of the world. The one thing I would do differently with my pregnancy, is worry less. It didn't change my outcome. It won't change yours, so do your best to enjoy your pregnancy and the miracle/gift you are about to receive. Sending up prayers for a genetically healthy baby.

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  5. First time commenter.

    I had a CVS with my last pregnancy and it was fine. You just have to find a doctor who does a LOT of them ALL the time and that adds into the safety factor. Also, with my pregnancy this time round, my PAPP-A was low and my HCG was high but NT was normal, my regular OB has suggested an Amnio for 'just to know' sakes and put my mind at ease, but to not do it before 17 weeks as there are no known losses at this gestational age. If you are thinking of keeping this child whatever the outcome, then neither is really necessary. Best wishes for a genetically healthy baby.

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  6. Wow....tough stuff...in an aleady stressful situation. Now add your/our medical knowledge (I'm in Peds) and damn....it certainly feels overwhelming. We do know way too much for our own good.... WTH is up with solid mass....are you impending a biopsy or just ol wait and see approach at this point? I would have to admit I think that ia scarier than the trisomy part. And although tough to hear anything might be wrong with the chromosomal make-up...please try to focus on 91%.....you can't change anything now..except your attitude and approach. Love to you and your little bean.

    Www.creatingarainbow.blogspot.com (the hidden blog)

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  7. I love your positive attitude about this. 1 in 11 odds sounds so much worse than a 91% chance of not having downs. It seems so unfair that we infertiles have to go through the stress of IF and then still have to have complications during pregnancy. I'll be praying for you and your little one.

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  8. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really do think when you deal with infertility, you should get a free pass for an easy pregnancy. I will be thinking of you. Keep us posted.

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  9. I'm so glad to see this update. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.

    I'm sorry for the uncertainty and anxiety right now. I can imagine it is incredibly hard to be in such an "unknown" spot. Thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts.

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  10. So sorry for those test results. It is almost definitely nothing, but oh my god how that must suck not to know for sure.

    I hope the nausea gets better. Are you on any meds? Zofran changed my life.

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  11. Tough, it's just tough. We are facing the idea of Amnio and it is so scary. For me, it is worth knowing so we can make an informed decision about proceeding. I am crossing my fingers for a healthy stick and and ease of stress!

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  12. I'm so sorry that after everything else, you are now having to face this. I will be praying for peace in the next few weeks as you wait for more information.

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  13. Hoping you have a genetically healthy baby and no further complications in your pregnancy. As a person who works with special needs children, I will say I have met these children, have been in awe of these children, and would have taken a good percentage home (had they needed one).

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  14. I'm really sorry to hear your update after what you have been through this should be a time to enjoy. Only you can know and decide what is best for you and your family. I hope you are on the good side of the stats this time, this is only screening not diagnosis.

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  15. I remember being in your shoes with my son last year. We were given a 1 in 10 chance of Down Syndrome and I was terrified. We unfortunately lost him in the second trimester. He did have Down Syndrome. I can tell you with every ounce of my being that I would give anything to have him here with us with or without DS. It's new and scary to think of the difficulties and challenges to face, but even if your baby does have Down Syndrome, you will be over the moon with how perfect he/she is! The odds are very much in your favor that the baby has typical chromosomes, but if it is DS, you WILL get through it and I think in the end, you will still feel very blessed <3

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  16. Ack. I knew it wasn't good that you weren't posting!
    Better to risk gloating than not have support! I've been reading IF blogs since you were in your twenties and I can honestly say I've never seen an infertile gloat. Worry about it? yes, do it, never. 91%91%.

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  17. Damn it! I am sorry to hear your update. Mom's that have been through infertility should be given a worry free (if that is possible) pregnancy. I don't know if it helps, but two friends of mine were given high chances of DS (one of them with twins) and the amnio results were fine. I'm hoping your results are also fine, but if they are not, you and husband will know what to do.
    I hope the ovary problem is not serious.

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  18. I know you did not ask for opinions, but just want to be heard through your worries and stress. I am praying for you, hugs!!

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