analogous to survivors guilt

I am officially T minus 60 days!!!  hoorrrrahhhhhh!  And I am feeling better.  

Now I actually feel pregnant like I should.  Feeling huge and exhausted and uncomfortable - please forgive me for bragging but its kind of awesome.  No longer stressing out about dropping this baby in the middle of a bout of contractions because I am down to a few an hour.  (my body is odd - but I knew that already)

Up until this point I haven't been too obvious about the pregnancy and white coats can hide a lot - but now . . .  there is no doubt to anyone I walk by . . .  and no doubt to my patients.   And there is where the guilt starts.  Sure I feel like I deserve this opportunity, but out of everyone who deserves - not everyone gets to be in my shoes.  I just hate having to take care of patients that are struggling with their own devastating reproductive challenges and seeing the point where their eyes glance from my face to my belly.    It makes my heart sink.

Don't get me wrong - these are the women I love to take care of - the ones that I can actually try to help and when I do it makes me feel better than anything because I know how much it means.   Some of the time I have been there - other times nowhere close, but I can relate.  However, its not my place to interject my story into their care.  They have only so much time for an appointment to be heard- and that appointment is certainly not about me at all.  But I remember the feeling well that "everyone is pregnant" and I remember the anxiety of feeling like I was around a bunch of bellies and infants.  Now I am on the other side adding fuel to the fire.

I am sorry.

Sometimes I try to make a subtle acknowledgment when they recognize that I am pregnant that it wasn't exactly easy as a way to try to make them feel better,  Most of the time though I am just trying to be subtle in what I wear and how I stand as to not to rub it in.  I try to make sure the jacket is on and there are no inadvertent touches of my hand when she kicks or I contract.   I tell people I will be on "leave" for a few months but don't want to mention the reason.  But they always know.

Sure most people don't care because they are there for other reasons and they have never struggled, but for the few that could be hurt - I promise I am trying.

But in the end I am excited inside.  I know the blessing I have and I am thankful.  And I promise to everyone that I will do the best job I know how to make sure I raise her well.  I hope that counts for something.

Da funk

Sorry its been a while since I posted - things are good here . . .just been in a bit of a funk.

The good . . .no make that fantastic news . . . is that I have made it to 30 weeks and she is still cookin' in there.  I am seriously thankful on a daily basis for that.  My uterus has developed a mind of its own and has now started having little trial runs of painful regular contractions without any provocation.  This has been nerve racking for me and for my care providers because I am not following the textbook rules of being a pregnant patient. I sometimes act like I am in preterm labor and squish my cervix and get very close to needing steroids and the works - and then things relax and go back to baseline.  Fortunately I have discovered Nifedipine (a blood pressure medication used to stop contractions - really only proven to help for short periods of time).  For the first time in months I have had little periods of time where I can feel and move normally albeit lightheaded.  When I am not at work my rear is on the couch, but this week for the first time I finally got to go to the store and look at carseats.  Now I know thats not what it is intended for but I was taking the med out on a test drive. Doesn't sound like much but I have not been able to go to any store for 6 wk so it was pretty thrilling.

The funk news is that work has kind of been circling the drain.  I am not sure if people are angry with me for ditching them for 3 months or if I have offended people that maybe work isn't going to be my first priority anymore.  I am coming back "part time" when I return.  I was supposed to be 80% time like most of the other moms with little ones, but instead I only got to drop to 88% because of the way my job is structured.  I don't think some people are especially happy with my decision and where I am dropping the 5 hours from and there are now meetings behind closed doors regarding staffing.  (meetings I had always been invited to before - hmmmmm)

I have tried to do everything I can to be fair to my job.  As my husband says "its not like they didn't know this was going to happen or that there wasn't time to prepare."  The people I work with closely been aware of the infertility and ttc for a long time and they were in the first group of people to know I was pregnant.  (before this child's grandparents mind you).  But now people are starting to freak out at work that I will be going on leave soon at such a busy time and I have had to stand back and say "I'm sorry but I can't be the one to help you now".  Its a different position that I am not used to taking.  I am usually the person if asked to work extra that will usually oblige.  Priorities have definitely changed, but I can't say that they are incorrect.  I still take just as much time and care for my patients - I just can't take on many new ones.

On a happier note . . . kiddo actually is kicking so hard it hurts with her sharp little heels!  Most people don't like to feel pain, but it makes me so happy to know that she is getting strong in there that I just relish it.  I'm getting pretty excited and the nesting instinct is nuts.  My mom-in-law is going to help me this weekend with some of the things I can't do myself to get the nursery ready.

I got to lay in bed this morning (woke up at 3 something unable to sleep) feeling her moving and feeling my husbands arm laying across the pile of pillows onto my stomach while he snored.  It was just an awesome moment to have so much love in one place.