My breasts are the most disappointing thing I have dealt with since my ovaries.
You might think this is a complaint about how they look - but no . . . it is a statement as to their lack of function. I have never had a good relationship with these two things that sit upon my ribs. My mother had breast cancer when they were developing . . . so theres not much more to disliking a part of your body when you are developing than thinking one day it might kill you in your forties.
Okay . . . that was depressing . . . but unfortunately how I have looked at them. Moving to a more humours reason for my dislike . . . THEY JUST GET IN THE WAY! For the non-lactating individual they serve no more than a sexual attraction purpose, and quite frankly I don't understand the attraction to two sacs of fat that just hang there.
just sayin
So anyway - Mine don't work correctly. Something I did not anticipate. I did anticipate difficulties with latching and nipple problems because of their inversion, but I never anticipated that I would have problems actually making the milk. After talking to many people about this, apparently some fraction of women with PCOS have serious supply issues and I happen to be one of them. The theory is that there is a high androgen level during pubertal development and the breasts just don't develop correctly. Unfortunately I didn't know that theory before which made me more disappointed in my lactational status and secondly it made me look kinda dumb. Everything people say is that it is a supply and demand relationship. Bull***t. I have been demanding extra since she was born and I still have puny production. I am even on multiple (not exactly FDA approved) medications to make my prolactin levels increase. As much as they help, I can't keep up.
I feed and pump and supplement breast milk followed by formula with the bottle every 2-3 hours and we still rely on formula supplements to feed the kid enough. This all was fine and dandy until baby girl decided that she does not LIKE the formula. Now I have heard of picky but this is redicluous. Its been 2 months and being born at an average size she should be over 11 lb by now. Instead she hasn't even hit nine yet. Super frustrating.
Breastfeeding is a lovely, wonderful, natural process that is the best for the baby. This is all people have kept iterating to me to keep me going. But seriously . . . at what expense? I haven't had self esteem issues like this since I was in middle school going through my very akward stage. It has given up any chance of sleep that I could get if I wanted. (people ask me if she is sleeping through the night and I just laugh being on this 2-3 hour regimen . . . and its not like I can just roll over, supply the boob and go back to sleep.) And Anxiety . . . yup. You get lots of personal issues when you feel that you cannot provide for your infant's most basic need. Also, people make you feel that you are a horrible person who doesn't love their baby if you even think of giving it up. I have thought of it, but I don't dare verbalize that.
I had a little breakdown one day thinking that I was never meant to have kids (which still is probably true) and that if I had been back before the time of breast pumps and formula that she wouldn't have survived. My friend settled me down and reminded me that in the history of man it usually took the village to raise the child, and that likely there would have been another lactating woman around to help me out.
I like to think that is the case . . . that everyone would chip in to feed this little girl. That my postpartum inadequacy could be overlooked even in prehistoric times and people would help me keep her healthy. But alas, for the present . . . she gets to try a new formula and I get to renew my commitment to the pump. I may dislike these two milkbags, but we kind of need them right now.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
A baby story
First of all I will preface this with saying that labor was not at all what I expected. I expected it to hurt more. Way more. I have always suspected that after the baby is out there is some blissful hormone that makes women forget how much it hurt and how horrible labor was - but labor wasn't bad at all - and not just because I got a baby at the end.
It started out like any other night - me lying in bed contracting waiting to fall asleep. I wasn't even contracting more than usual, but for some reason I was just feeling that night like I couldn't sleep so I sat and played solitaire on my phone. About 1 in the morning I got up to use the restroom about 20 minutes after I had just gone but since this was pretty typical I didn't think much of it. Until I went and discovered that I was bleeding.
It was the exact same sensation as was at 19 weeks of shock and immediate worry except this time I put my hands on my belly and just prayed for her to move. I thought going into labor would be something that got worse over time or that I would break my bag and start contracting worse but really I felt nothing different from the way I felt in the several months preceding. When I had previously imagined how labor would start I thought I would be contracting for a while at home and would probably have time to get a shower in. No such luck since I was starting to freak out that I was bleeding and she wasn't moving.
I woke the husband, grabbed the bags and we made it out of the house within minutes. Fortunately once in the car she started dancing around which made me feel infinitely and instantly better.
We got to the hospital, I checked in and got checked and there I was 4 cm dilated and contracting every 2-3 minutes. Everyone kept asking me when the contractions had gotten stronger - I didn't know quite how to answer being that the contractions were exactly the same as they had been for over a month albeit a little more regular and frequent. Since I had been about 1.5 cm 2 days prior they admitted me for labor even though I wasn't really sure I was in labor - there certainly was no going home after that amount of bleeding.
So I sat there for several hours not really making any progress and not really transitioning to active labor so I let them start some pitocin and sure enough it pushed me over the edge. My water broke, I got my epidural (which was absolutely fabulous by the way) and went from 4 to 8 to complete in 4 hours.
For my final check we did a couple test pushes, realized she was right there and once everything was ready I pushed for a matter of minutes. I actually could have probably done a bit less personal damage if I went slower but there was a point where we couldn't hear her heartbeat on the monitor and I just realized that I wanted her out.
In the next moment - there she was. Open eyed, looking around, stunned and in my arms. She didn't cry - only wimpered as she just snuggled into my chest. Between me my husband and the nurse we were all trying to stimulate her to cry to get her lungs opened up - but she was perfectly content from the get go - and so was I.
Usually really crappy things happen to physicians when they are in labor. Its usually a 2 day induction for preeclampsia followed by an arrest of decent of the baby followed by an emergency cesarean. Usually pediatrics needs to be there for some complication and overall the labors can be nightmarish which is what I was expecting. But mine was about as straightforward and minimal on pain as they come. Yes I had an epidural and it worked well and I am glad I did - for me it allowed me to really relax and enjoy the process. I actually kept it at a level that the contractions still hurt somewhat so I could feel what was going on. My only complication was a bit more blood loss than usual and continued bleeding after which left me on the border of transfusion, but I escaped because of how anemic I was to start.
Medically - I was a nothing-burger. I came in, I had a baby and I recovered and went home. In a pregnancy stacked up against how things were supposed to go, this was a nice refresher. I came up with an interesting conclusion to this story: my body may have been incapable of conceiving, have struggled holding a baby in until term but I was meant to give birth.
Something had to work right :)
It started out like any other night - me lying in bed contracting waiting to fall asleep. I wasn't even contracting more than usual, but for some reason I was just feeling that night like I couldn't sleep so I sat and played solitaire on my phone. About 1 in the morning I got up to use the restroom about 20 minutes after I had just gone but since this was pretty typical I didn't think much of it. Until I went and discovered that I was bleeding.
It was the exact same sensation as was at 19 weeks of shock and immediate worry except this time I put my hands on my belly and just prayed for her to move. I thought going into labor would be something that got worse over time or that I would break my bag and start contracting worse but really I felt nothing different from the way I felt in the several months preceding. When I had previously imagined how labor would start I thought I would be contracting for a while at home and would probably have time to get a shower in. No such luck since I was starting to freak out that I was bleeding and she wasn't moving.
I woke the husband, grabbed the bags and we made it out of the house within minutes. Fortunately once in the car she started dancing around which made me feel infinitely and instantly better.
We got to the hospital, I checked in and got checked and there I was 4 cm dilated and contracting every 2-3 minutes. Everyone kept asking me when the contractions had gotten stronger - I didn't know quite how to answer being that the contractions were exactly the same as they had been for over a month albeit a little more regular and frequent. Since I had been about 1.5 cm 2 days prior they admitted me for labor even though I wasn't really sure I was in labor - there certainly was no going home after that amount of bleeding.
So I sat there for several hours not really making any progress and not really transitioning to active labor so I let them start some pitocin and sure enough it pushed me over the edge. My water broke, I got my epidural (which was absolutely fabulous by the way) and went from 4 to 8 to complete in 4 hours.
For my final check we did a couple test pushes, realized she was right there and once everything was ready I pushed for a matter of minutes. I actually could have probably done a bit less personal damage if I went slower but there was a point where we couldn't hear her heartbeat on the monitor and I just realized that I wanted her out.
In the next moment - there she was. Open eyed, looking around, stunned and in my arms. She didn't cry - only wimpered as she just snuggled into my chest. Between me my husband and the nurse we were all trying to stimulate her to cry to get her lungs opened up - but she was perfectly content from the get go - and so was I.
Usually really crappy things happen to physicians when they are in labor. Its usually a 2 day induction for preeclampsia followed by an arrest of decent of the baby followed by an emergency cesarean. Usually pediatrics needs to be there for some complication and overall the labors can be nightmarish which is what I was expecting. But mine was about as straightforward and minimal on pain as they come. Yes I had an epidural and it worked well and I am glad I did - for me it allowed me to really relax and enjoy the process. I actually kept it at a level that the contractions still hurt somewhat so I could feel what was going on. My only complication was a bit more blood loss than usual and continued bleeding after which left me on the border of transfusion, but I escaped because of how anemic I was to start.
Medically - I was a nothing-burger. I came in, I had a baby and I recovered and went home. In a pregnancy stacked up against how things were supposed to go, this was a nice refresher. I came up with an interesting conclusion to this story: my body may have been incapable of conceiving, have struggled holding a baby in until term but I was meant to give birth.
Something had to work right :)
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I'm Baaaaaack!
Wow - can't believe its been almost two months. There is definitely truth to the "time flies fast when you're having fun", but also the fact that when you are so busy you can look at the clock and have it be the end of the day without noticing.
So in my upload of pictures after the first week (yes I have been having way too much fun with the munchkin and my camera) I managed to crash my computer. Let's also just say that I have not had the time to fix it until now. So I am back and boy do I have some stories to tell.
Briefly though . . . things are good. Munchkin is just that . . . a munchkin. We are having lots of difficulty keeping her on the growth curve because of multiple feeding issues - but I'll talk about that more after her next weigh-in tomorrow. Otherwise she is healthy although limited in the happy department because of a bit of colic. She's pretty wonderful though - even when screaming.
Hubby is good and enjoying parenthood. He's pretty cute with the baby - I knew he would be. Working a lot at baseline and extra to cover a colleague's maternity leave and has not complained once. He's a keeper.
I have been well. Still battling to make milk - but I've got a whole story for that one too. My weight has unfortunately settled back to my peak residency weight before I lost it all to try to conceive. I'm a little disappointed in that but I can't really diet right now because I can't afford to loose any more milk production. I am now living proof that once you gain weight to a certain point, your body always wants to return to that point . . .even if you kept the weight off for 4 years. Hmmmph.
I can't say I've really done much else besides be a stay at home mom. I am working on a small project for my job but even that was on hold until I got my computer functional again. I am pretty proud of myself on the days where I accomplish bathing, eating, sleep and laundry all in the same day. There is very little contact with other adults so I have started talking to the munchkin and I have realized I have few intelligent things to say that aren't congratulatory statements about milk consumption or diaper deposits so forgive me if I lack some mature insight in posts.
This has been the longest amount of time I have ever been away from school or work. I very rarely had a summer vacation without summer school in my education years and I have never had the financial capability to take time off between jobs. I am very thankful for FMLA and my job for being agreeable to the 12 weeks post delivery off - and I am even more thankful that they didn't count the preterm labor time in that 12 weeks (Otherwise I would be back already). The fraction of my normal salary that I am getting won't pay the bills and I can't live off savings much longer so I go back in a couple weeks. I am still thankful that I get a little something.
This has all been a very interesting learning experience . . . and one thing I have learned is that despite the infertility I really was meant to be a mother. But that's another post too :)
More to come . . .
So in my upload of pictures after the first week (yes I have been having way too much fun with the munchkin and my camera) I managed to crash my computer. Let's also just say that I have not had the time to fix it until now. So I am back and boy do I have some stories to tell.
Briefly though . . . things are good. Munchkin is just that . . . a munchkin. We are having lots of difficulty keeping her on the growth curve because of multiple feeding issues - but I'll talk about that more after her next weigh-in tomorrow. Otherwise she is healthy although limited in the happy department because of a bit of colic. She's pretty wonderful though - even when screaming.
Hubby is good and enjoying parenthood. He's pretty cute with the baby - I knew he would be. Working a lot at baseline and extra to cover a colleague's maternity leave and has not complained once. He's a keeper.
I have been well. Still battling to make milk - but I've got a whole story for that one too. My weight has unfortunately settled back to my peak residency weight before I lost it all to try to conceive. I'm a little disappointed in that but I can't really diet right now because I can't afford to loose any more milk production. I am now living proof that once you gain weight to a certain point, your body always wants to return to that point . . .even if you kept the weight off for 4 years. Hmmmph.
I can't say I've really done much else besides be a stay at home mom. I am working on a small project for my job but even that was on hold until I got my computer functional again. I am pretty proud of myself on the days where I accomplish bathing, eating, sleep and laundry all in the same day. There is very little contact with other adults so I have started talking to the munchkin and I have realized I have few intelligent things to say that aren't congratulatory statements about milk consumption or diaper deposits so forgive me if I lack some mature insight in posts.
This has been the longest amount of time I have ever been away from school or work. I very rarely had a summer vacation without summer school in my education years and I have never had the financial capability to take time off between jobs. I am very thankful for FMLA and my job for being agreeable to the 12 weeks post delivery off - and I am even more thankful that they didn't count the preterm labor time in that 12 weeks (Otherwise I would be back already). The fraction of my normal salary that I am getting won't pay the bills and I can't live off savings much longer so I go back in a couple weeks. I am still thankful that I get a little something.
This has all been a very interesting learning experience . . . and one thing I have learned is that despite the infertility I really was meant to be a mother. But that's another post too :)
More to come . . .
Monday, March 26, 2012
She's here :)
I am happy to announce that as I write this post I am sitting here with a perfect healthy little baby girl in my lap. Born 7 lb 1 oz, 20.5 inches long on 3/18 - it was the most incredible moment of my life and continues to provide a daily joy like nothing else I have ever felt.
Labor and delivery went better than it had any business going and she did end up coming out the normal route without complications. We've had some minor issues postpartum but nothing huge. I apologize that it took a week to post but this is literally the first time I have had a chance to sit at a computer, but thats just because I have been so busy falling in love with this little one.
I will post the full story later when I have another moment - right now I get to go feed her again :) I am so lucky.
Labor and delivery went better than it had any business going and she did end up coming out the normal route without complications. We've had some minor issues postpartum but nothing huge. I apologize that it took a week to post but this is literally the first time I have had a chance to sit at a computer, but thats just because I have been so busy falling in love with this little one.
I will post the full story later when I have another moment - right now I get to go feed her again :) I am so lucky.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Retrospect - ICSI
There are some decisions we made in the infertility process that I have been thinking about in retrospect and since vision is always 20/20 after the tincture of time I thought I would start to comment on them over a few posts. (Plus I needed something to distract me from my current nausea and vomiting.)
None of this is meant to be medical advice (remember I am not an infertility specialist) - just the decisions we made in our journey and how I feel about that now.
ICSI - this is the biggest one I have been thinking about lately. Husband has great sperm - I was very lucky for that. We were dealing with so many issues on the female side it was nice to actually have his stuff working. So ICSI was initially completely optional for us. We got lots of eggs retrieved and we probably would have had more than enough with normal insemination and the ICSI. We really wanted this to be as minimally invasive to the embryo as possible (a crazy thought in retrospect) so we initially were not going to do it. . . EXCEPT that we found the presence of anti-sperm antibodies. So we decided to just pay the extra to do ICSI.
Boy was that a good decision. It was piece of mind that we were giving every egg the best chance for fertilization but the thing I didn't appreciate at the time was the possible increase in number of embryos. Now I will be the first to admit we had an incredible amount of luck in getting all the embryos we did but ICSI most likely played a role in that. There is nothing that has made me feel better about this infertility process thank to think about the next pregnancy knowing that a) my children are frozen with the downs risk of a 34 year old b) that I (likely) will never have to stimulate these ovaries again. Also, on the financial side - the money we will save by getting pregnant through frozen cycle(s) in the future far exceeds the cost of the ICSI
We always had the goal to keep things as "natural" as possible. We are both believers in science but we are also believers in 'if it ain't broke don't fix it". While science can approximate a natural process, there are limitations and long term unknowns. Still because of the above reasons I am happy we chose to do ICSI. Its also funny now that people ask me if I am planning a "natural birth" -I figure there has been nothing natural about the way she got in the uterus - I don't care about how natural it is when she comes out. Poke me with needles, give me meds, cut me open if needed - healthy is all I am going for.
None of this is meant to be medical advice (remember I am not an infertility specialist) - just the decisions we made in our journey and how I feel about that now.
ICSI - this is the biggest one I have been thinking about lately. Husband has great sperm - I was very lucky for that. We were dealing with so many issues on the female side it was nice to actually have his stuff working. So ICSI was initially completely optional for us. We got lots of eggs retrieved and we probably would have had more than enough with normal insemination and the ICSI. We really wanted this to be as minimally invasive to the embryo as possible (a crazy thought in retrospect) so we initially were not going to do it. . . EXCEPT that we found the presence of anti-sperm antibodies. So we decided to just pay the extra to do ICSI.
Boy was that a good decision. It was piece of mind that we were giving every egg the best chance for fertilization but the thing I didn't appreciate at the time was the possible increase in number of embryos. Now I will be the first to admit we had an incredible amount of luck in getting all the embryos we did but ICSI most likely played a role in that. There is nothing that has made me feel better about this infertility process thank to think about the next pregnancy knowing that a) my children are frozen with the downs risk of a 34 year old b) that I (likely) will never have to stimulate these ovaries again. Also, on the financial side - the money we will save by getting pregnant through frozen cycle(s) in the future far exceeds the cost of the ICSI
We always had the goal to keep things as "natural" as possible. We are both believers in science but we are also believers in 'if it ain't broke don't fix it". While science can approximate a natural process, there are limitations and long term unknowns. Still because of the above reasons I am happy we chose to do ICSI. Its also funny now that people ask me if I am planning a "natural birth" -I figure there has been nothing natural about the way she got in the uterus - I don't care about how natural it is when she comes out. Poke me with needles, give me meds, cut me open if needed - healthy is all I am going for.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
the length of a pregnancy
My husband made an funny observation the other day. He stated that this pregnancy just seems to be taking a really long time. When other people get pregnant they usually tell you after their first trimester and you see them a couple of times - watch their belly grow and the next thing you know - theres a baby. When you are knee deep in it - especially since we have hit quite a few speed bumps on our journey - it seems to take much longer than the requisite 40 weeks.
But when I look at it closer it is beyond just seeming longer than normal - it HAS been longer than normal. I cleaned out an old purse the other day I hadn't used in a few years and I discovered my 2010 calendar (before I had an i phone) and amongst all the work commitments and listings of birthdays there was a symbol in each corner. Red letters to indicate how heavy my period was that day, positive and negatives (actually just really negatives) for the LH testing, little smily faces every other day mid cycle and sad faces at the end of each cycle to indicate the negative pregnancy tests. Then it got more intense with the dieting (seriously calculating every calorie I consumed), the records of workouts and the development of little symbols for different meds from progesterone to clomid to injectables. All ending the same with punctuation by a series of unhappy faces.
If I had gotten pregnant when I started trying I would already be working on a second baby. This is like a two and a half year gestation - thats longer than an elephant. And the other side of it is that I have been painfully contracting for so long I am really ready for them actually to get worse so they will eventually stop.
So anyway - I am ready. More ready than most. I'm not nervous about labor or delivery. I don't worry about how much it will hurt or if I will need a c-section. I just really need her out. Yes I want to feel better than I do now, but I really want her out so I know she is ok. It all sounds so completely stupid but the only thing I am anxious about is her.
Not that the worries will go away once she is an infant but I think I am ready to close the book on this chapter of my life. Don't get me wrong - being pregnant has been a little slice of wonderful - and I still consider myself lucky that it only took a couple years to get to this point. For me though, this has always been about having a family to me - not so much the journey getting there or the time being pregnant.
The road has been long and I can see the finish line and with every step closer I am obsessing about tripping. I am trying to have patience but I just find myself hoping that she will come sooner than later - partially from anxiety and partially just from pure excitement. Maybe after all of this I am just overly ready to be a mom.
Friday, March 9, 2012
deconditioned
I'm TERM!!!!!!!
So to celebrate the end to my bedrest I decided to go to target. After 3 weeks of being on house/couch arrest you would have thought I would have come up with something more creative but I had a few things I needed to pick up so off I went.
I had a list of about 5 things I needed - I successfully got one. I got so tired and winded walking around target I finally just dragged my rear through the checkout and waddled back to my car to sit and pant. Its amazing how little exercise tolerance I have at this point. The only muscle in my body that seems to be in good tone is my uterus although I have no idea how I am going to actually push out a baby when I can't handle getting across a store.
Although I would much rather have it this way than going for daily NICU visits! I am amazingly happy and relieved even though I am really out of shape.
So to celebrate the end to my bedrest I decided to go to target. After 3 weeks of being on house/couch arrest you would have thought I would have come up with something more creative but I had a few things I needed to pick up so off I went.
I had a list of about 5 things I needed - I successfully got one. I got so tired and winded walking around target I finally just dragged my rear through the checkout and waddled back to my car to sit and pant. Its amazing how little exercise tolerance I have at this point. The only muscle in my body that seems to be in good tone is my uterus although I have no idea how I am going to actually push out a baby when I can't handle getting across a store.
Although I would much rather have it this way than going for daily NICU visits! I am amazingly happy and relieved even though I am really out of shape.
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