The hubby and I were doing the taxes last night in anticipation of not really having any time as it gets closer to tax day. We got to the category marked medical expenses and we pulled out the file of receipts that I had been saving.
Holy smokes Batman! Lets say I was a little anal in keeping every clinic, acupuncture and pharmacy receipt. We ended up with quite a bulky file.
While the added amount of what we accumulated in out of pocket infertility costs is a little disturbing we had a good laugh about it. I'm not done with the tally yet but my non-infertility medical costs were about $300 for teeth cleaning, glasses, contacts and a couple acne gels, my husband spent a whopping $189. Kiddo took over 20K just to get her there (and that was just 6 months of 2011 not counting the 2010 cycles.)
We laughed at the pile of receipts from each ultrasound visit and the fact that as we were inputting the dates into a spreadsheet that often they would only be a day or two apart. We laughed at the mail-order pharmacy receipts for each shipment of follistim and laughed harder when we found the $5 copay for the pre-cycle birth control pills (which was the one drug my insurance covered).
It feels good to laugh about it now because we certainly weren't then. We were both working extra shifts to try to make up for a fraction of it, but it was a bit of a tight time with no end in sight and certainly no guarantee of results.
I am the type of person who clips coupons and doesn't buy things unless I need them. I bought most of my maternity clothes at garage sales and I have sewn quite a bit of things for the baby because I see something that costs more than I can make it for. All of these things I do save pennies compared to what we spent on infertility but I can't say that I regret it at all.
Sure I regret that we had to go through it, but I regret the pain it caused, the tears we shed and the stress it inflicted. They say that money can't buy happiness, but this may be an example of where it actually can and did, although I also know how lucky we are.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
a touch of irony
So yesterday and again this morning I felt better than I had in at least a month. I didn't want to jinx it by saying anything but I was actually contracting only about once an hour and not too bad at that.
It was a great day, a restful night and a great morning to start.
A couple weeks ago when I was in the hospital I had a few little slightly concerning findings on the monitored strip and so I ended up going to antenatal testing twice a week.
Irony #1: as much as I have been worried this pregnancy - I am not usually worried about her and how she is doing in there. One thing we are taught in medical school is that a baby who is moving is generally getting enough oxygen... and this baby moves like crazy. (I love it) So I have never really needed to worry a lot about her - all it takes is a little nudge and she's off kicking.
So today she had a bit of a problem with a contraction in antenatal testing. I got sent to labor and delivery where they watched her for a bit of time - and again a little bit of an issue tolerating contractions. Now through all of this the was doing little jumping jacks in between contractions so I knew she was fine, but this bought me a contraction stress test. Basically a pitocin infusion until you contract 3 times in 10 minutes while watching her on the monitor to see if she tolerates it.
Main point and source of relief - She did great. (insert maternal soccer mom pride - its like she just scored a winning goal - I'm still beaming)
But enter Irony #2: for the first time in a while my contractions were actually pretty minimal. If I had contracted like I do at night I wouldn't have necessarily needed pitocin, but again I was feeling a bit rock-star this morning. So not only did they need pitocin to get going but it seems to have reset my uterus back my baseline and I'm once again breathing through several per hour.
Anyway I am happy she's happy and thankful she is ok. Just an interesting day. And with that I am going to go lie down. :)
It was a great day, a restful night and a great morning to start.
A couple weeks ago when I was in the hospital I had a few little slightly concerning findings on the monitored strip and so I ended up going to antenatal testing twice a week.
Irony #1: as much as I have been worried this pregnancy - I am not usually worried about her and how she is doing in there. One thing we are taught in medical school is that a baby who is moving is generally getting enough oxygen... and this baby moves like crazy. (I love it) So I have never really needed to worry a lot about her - all it takes is a little nudge and she's off kicking.
So today she had a bit of a problem with a contraction in antenatal testing. I got sent to labor and delivery where they watched her for a bit of time - and again a little bit of an issue tolerating contractions. Now through all of this the was doing little jumping jacks in between contractions so I knew she was fine, but this bought me a contraction stress test. Basically a pitocin infusion until you contract 3 times in 10 minutes while watching her on the monitor to see if she tolerates it.
Main point and source of relief - She did great. (insert maternal soccer mom pride - its like she just scored a winning goal - I'm still beaming)
But enter Irony #2: for the first time in a while my contractions were actually pretty minimal. If I had contracted like I do at night I wouldn't have necessarily needed pitocin, but again I was feeling a bit rock-star this morning. So not only did they need pitocin to get going but it seems to have reset my uterus back my baseline and I'm once again breathing through several per hour.
Anyway I am happy she's happy and thankful she is ok. Just an interesting day. And with that I am going to go lie down. :)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Bun still in the oven - officially par-baked!
Made it to 36 weeks - at this point I am asking for nothing from fate when it comes to this pregnancy except for #1 healthy baby and #2 the ability to have an epidural.
I am kind of in shock that I am still pregnant. The other night after several hours of regular painful contractions I finally fell asleep when they slowed down. I probably should have gone in but I was so exhausted that I just passed out. When I woke up my belly was smaller again. Her previous kicks in the ribs are now slightly above my belly button again. (Poor little head must be so squished cuz I know my bladder is.)
I am now so in tune with my uterus, I've realized that I have 4 different levels of contractions. (although really I sometimes wish I was one of those people that had them and didn't feel them . . . but I digress)
Level 1: ooohh thats a bit tight, maybe I should pee.
Level 2: uuumph that hurts (but still able to talk), will go pee.
Level 3: ahhh, I can't breathe, must pee now
Level 4: can't talk but somehow explicatives exiting my mouth, who cares about peeing
And . . . I am sure there is a 5th level that I just haven't gotten to yet :)
Anyway - this is just further fuel for the fire that my reproductive system is somewhat broken - my husband has witnessed enough of these runs to be as shocked as I that baby is still inside. I'm in antenatal testing because of some previous minor issues and the nurses just stare at the runs of contractions and the breathing and wincing and ask me if maybe I need to go to labor and delivery. (My response is that I am better than my baseline and since they know me they let it go!) Maybe I am just the largest wimp on the planet but when I had my big belly surgery I took no pain medications for the first 24 hours so I am not sure that is the case.
So defying all common sense of the teachings of obstetrics - I remain pregnant and thankful. Now just waiting for something to happen and ready for it when it comes. Next week I am going to actually start to go on my walks again and I have been cleared for "other activity". My OB said she would laugh if I had to be induced post-dates and as much as I can see the irony - I don't know that I can see the humor in it yet.
So - I will leave this up to the baby - she has dominated my life before she was even conceived and will continue to do so for the next 18 years or more likely the rest of my life. I have surrendered control - but in waiving the white flag I am still excited beyond words.
I am kind of in shock that I am still pregnant. The other night after several hours of regular painful contractions I finally fell asleep when they slowed down. I probably should have gone in but I was so exhausted that I just passed out. When I woke up my belly was smaller again. Her previous kicks in the ribs are now slightly above my belly button again. (Poor little head must be so squished cuz I know my bladder is.)
I am now so in tune with my uterus, I've realized that I have 4 different levels of contractions. (although really I sometimes wish I was one of those people that had them and didn't feel them . . . but I digress)
Level 1: ooohh thats a bit tight, maybe I should pee.
Level 2: uuumph that hurts (but still able to talk), will go pee.
Level 3: ahhh, I can't breathe, must pee now
Level 4: can't talk but somehow explicatives exiting my mouth, who cares about peeing
And . . . I am sure there is a 5th level that I just haven't gotten to yet :)
Anyway - this is just further fuel for the fire that my reproductive system is somewhat broken - my husband has witnessed enough of these runs to be as shocked as I that baby is still inside. I'm in antenatal testing because of some previous minor issues and the nurses just stare at the runs of contractions and the breathing and wincing and ask me if maybe I need to go to labor and delivery. (My response is that I am better than my baseline and since they know me they let it go!) Maybe I am just the largest wimp on the planet but when I had my big belly surgery I took no pain medications for the first 24 hours so I am not sure that is the case.
So defying all common sense of the teachings of obstetrics - I remain pregnant and thankful. Now just waiting for something to happen and ready for it when it comes. Next week I am going to actually start to go on my walks again and I have been cleared for "other activity". My OB said she would laugh if I had to be induced post-dates and as much as I can see the irony - I don't know that I can see the humor in it yet.
So - I will leave this up to the baby - she has dominated my life before she was even conceived and will continue to do so for the next 18 years or more likely the rest of my life. I have surrendered control - but in waiving the white flag I am still excited beyond words.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The name game
So we decided that since there may be an impending arrival we better get some things ready.
furniture - done
carseat - check
pack of diapers - can get at the store later
name - uuuugughhhhh!
My husband and I have been working on a name since she became viable - but literally we couldn't get it down further than a one page single spaced word document. So we sat in the hospital room the first night and narrowed.
When you have been infertile and you have watched everyone else have babies - there are a considerable amount of names that your friends have already taken. There have always been names that I've thought I could name my daughter - but slowly and surely over the past few years several of them have been picked off by friends more naturally prone to procreation.
But the ones that have been picked up since I got pregnant just seem unfair. There is a name that we have liked from the beginning but then around christmas we saw one of our old friends (not too close - someone we see yearly) and their new baby has that name. This name is in the top 10 in popularity so I think its fine to use - but my husband just doesn't feel right about it.
Fast forward tot he hospital the other night we actually picked a favorite and actually got a little attached to it. The problem . . . a really good friend from college (whom I have not spoken to in the past 9 months mostly out of negligence on my part and new-mommyhood on hers) named her kid that name. I had completely forgotten because her daughter has only been referred to by nickname since she was born, and I cant say I've been too smart in the past few days because of how not-well I have been feeling. I figured it out about a day later and now the hubbie and I are disappointed all over again.
You would think that with my 10,000 names baby book that we could come up with lots of names - and maybe we could - but there is a certain amount of obsession to it at this point. It has to be perfect - we've put so much into her already we want to make sure that we love her name at least a fraction of how much we already love her.
So now we have a shortened list to choose from - I think at this point we are just hoping for more time so we can get excited about another one.
furniture - done
carseat - check
pack of diapers - can get at the store later
name - uuuugughhhhh!
My husband and I have been working on a name since she became viable - but literally we couldn't get it down further than a one page single spaced word document. So we sat in the hospital room the first night and narrowed.
When you have been infertile and you have watched everyone else have babies - there are a considerable amount of names that your friends have already taken. There have always been names that I've thought I could name my daughter - but slowly and surely over the past few years several of them have been picked off by friends more naturally prone to procreation.
But the ones that have been picked up since I got pregnant just seem unfair. There is a name that we have liked from the beginning but then around christmas we saw one of our old friends (not too close - someone we see yearly) and their new baby has that name. This name is in the top 10 in popularity so I think its fine to use - but my husband just doesn't feel right about it.
Fast forward tot he hospital the other night we actually picked a favorite and actually got a little attached to it. The problem . . . a really good friend from college (whom I have not spoken to in the past 9 months mostly out of negligence on my part and new-mommyhood on hers) named her kid that name. I had completely forgotten because her daughter has only been referred to by nickname since she was born, and I cant say I've been too smart in the past few days because of how not-well I have been feeling. I figured it out about a day later and now the hubbie and I are disappointed all over again.
You would think that with my 10,000 names baby book that we could come up with lots of names - and maybe we could - but there is a certain amount of obsession to it at this point. It has to be perfect - we've put so much into her already we want to make sure that we love her name at least a fraction of how much we already love her.
So now we have a shortened list to choose from - I think at this point we are just hoping for more time so we can get excited about another one.
Friday, February 17, 2012
discontinue IV, discharge home, undelivered!
Well - its been an interesting ride lately.
Long and short of it . . . I haven't posted much lately because things haven't been that great on the uterine front. Slowly and surely the contractions have been progressively worse - culminating early this week with a really long uncomfortable day on monday, contractions waking me from sleep monday night to a purely torturous day on tuesday.
I tried to ignore it - tried to just get the job done well and I did. Its amazing how much discomfort you can ignore when you are focused on the work - but afterwards I knew I felt terrible. Wednesday morning I got up and realized my fundal height had dropped by about 6 cm and the pelvic pressure was intense. So what did I do - hemmed and hawed and tried to ignore it.
Yup . . . major denial . . . not proud of it at all. But what got me is that she slowed down her movements. There was no denying that. So I went in - of course was dilated and contracting and now officially in preterm labor with her little head wedged down in my pelvis.
Anyway fast forward to today and I am 34 weeks, steroid exposed and still pregnant. I am home after a 2 day hospital stay. But the way I intermittently contract is not looking promising, and medications are not really looking like a good long term option. Things have been intense in the middle of the night so I am hoping I make it through tonight without meds because my blood pressure and baby do not tolerate the medications well.
I'm not sure if I am mad at myself or if there is a component of anger for there not being any options on how to really take it easy at work. I hate that I was pushed to my breaking point but maybe that is my fault. I just wish there had been a way to work a little less - especially since I think I could have worked up until my due date and work would have been better served - now the people who have to cover for me are hosed for weeks more than anticipated.
On the other hand . . . I am really thankful to be at this point . . . and really thankful I can try to go longer. 34 weeks has been a BIG goal all along. Chances are at this point baby girl will do fine. Probably will have some feeding and growing issues but hopefully she can breathe without assistance and not be in the NICU too long. But I do want to be a little greedy and incubate her as long as I can.
This is my only job now - I am not going to be a physician for months which is far longer than any break from education and career I have ever taken. I hope I do a good job of it.
Long and short of it . . . I haven't posted much lately because things haven't been that great on the uterine front. Slowly and surely the contractions have been progressively worse - culminating early this week with a really long uncomfortable day on monday, contractions waking me from sleep monday night to a purely torturous day on tuesday.
I tried to ignore it - tried to just get the job done well and I did. Its amazing how much discomfort you can ignore when you are focused on the work - but afterwards I knew I felt terrible. Wednesday morning I got up and realized my fundal height had dropped by about 6 cm and the pelvic pressure was intense. So what did I do - hemmed and hawed and tried to ignore it.
Yup . . . major denial . . . not proud of it at all. But what got me is that she slowed down her movements. There was no denying that. So I went in - of course was dilated and contracting and now officially in preterm labor with her little head wedged down in my pelvis.
Anyway fast forward to today and I am 34 weeks, steroid exposed and still pregnant. I am home after a 2 day hospital stay. But the way I intermittently contract is not looking promising, and medications are not really looking like a good long term option. Things have been intense in the middle of the night so I am hoping I make it through tonight without meds because my blood pressure and baby do not tolerate the medications well.
I'm not sure if I am mad at myself or if there is a component of anger for there not being any options on how to really take it easy at work. I hate that I was pushed to my breaking point but maybe that is my fault. I just wish there had been a way to work a little less - especially since I think I could have worked up until my due date and work would have been better served - now the people who have to cover for me are hosed for weeks more than anticipated.
On the other hand . . . I am really thankful to be at this point . . . and really thankful I can try to go longer. 34 weeks has been a BIG goal all along. Chances are at this point baby girl will do fine. Probably will have some feeding and growing issues but hopefully she can breathe without assistance and not be in the NICU too long. But I do want to be a little greedy and incubate her as long as I can.
This is my only job now - I am not going to be a physician for months which is far longer than any break from education and career I have ever taken. I hope I do a good job of it.
Monday, January 30, 2012
analogous to survivors guilt
I am officially T minus 60 days!!! hoorrrrahhhhhh! And I am feeling better.
Now I actually feel pregnant like I should. Feeling huge and exhausted and uncomfortable - please forgive me for bragging but its kind of awesome. No longer stressing out about dropping this baby in the middle of a bout of contractions because I am down to a few an hour. (my body is odd - but I knew that already)
Up until this point I haven't been too obvious about the pregnancy and white coats can hide a lot - but now . . . there is no doubt to anyone I walk by . . . and no doubt to my patients. And there is where the guilt starts. Sure I feel like I deserve this opportunity, but out of everyone who deserves - not everyone gets to be in my shoes. I just hate having to take care of patients that are struggling with their own devastating reproductive challenges and seeing the point where their eyes glance from my face to my belly. It makes my heart sink.
Don't get me wrong - these are the women I love to take care of - the ones that I can actually try to help and when I do it makes me feel better than anything because I know how much it means. Some of the time I have been there - other times nowhere close, but I can relate. However, its not my place to interject my story into their care. They have only so much time for an appointment to be heard- and that appointment is certainly not about me at all. But I remember the feeling well that "everyone is pregnant" and I remember the anxiety of feeling like I was around a bunch of bellies and infants. Now I am on the other side adding fuel to the fire.
I am sorry.
Sometimes I try to make a subtle acknowledgment when they recognize that I am pregnant that it wasn't exactly easy as a way to try to make them feel better, Most of the time though I am just trying to be subtle in what I wear and how I stand as to not to rub it in. I try to make sure the jacket is on and there are no inadvertent touches of my hand when she kicks or I contract. I tell people I will be on "leave" for a few months but don't want to mention the reason. But they always know.
Sure most people don't care because they are there for other reasons and they have never struggled, but for the few that could be hurt - I promise I am trying.
But in the end I am excited inside. I know the blessing I have and I am thankful. And I promise to everyone that I will do the best job I know how to make sure I raise her well. I hope that counts for something.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Da funk
Sorry its been a while since I posted - things are good here . . .just been in a bit of a funk.
The good . . .no make that fantastic news . . . is that I have made it to 30 weeks and she is still cookin' in there. I am seriously thankful on a daily basis for that. My uterus has developed a mind of its own and has now started having little trial runs of painful regular contractions without any provocation. This has been nerve racking for me and for my care providers because I am not following the textbook rules of being a pregnant patient. I sometimes act like I am in preterm labor and squish my cervix and get very close to needing steroids and the works - and then things relax and go back to baseline. Fortunately I have discovered Nifedipine (a blood pressure medication used to stop contractions - really only proven to help for short periods of time). For the first time in months I have had little periods of time where I can feel and move normally albeit lightheaded. When I am not at work my rear is on the couch, but this week for the first time I finally got to go to the store and look at carseats. Now I know thats not what it is intended for but I was taking the med out on a test drive. Doesn't sound like much but I have not been able to go to any store for 6 wk so it was pretty thrilling.
The funk news is that work has kind of been circling the drain. I am not sure if people are angry with me for ditching them for 3 months or if I have offended people that maybe work isn't going to be my first priority anymore. I am coming back "part time" when I return. I was supposed to be 80% time like most of the other moms with little ones, but instead I only got to drop to 88% because of the way my job is structured. I don't think some people are especially happy with my decision and where I am dropping the 5 hours from and there are now meetings behind closed doors regarding staffing. (meetings I had always been invited to before - hmmmmm)
I have tried to do everything I can to be fair to my job. As my husband says "its not like they didn't know this was going to happen or that there wasn't time to prepare." The people I work with closely been aware of the infertility and ttc for a long time and they were in the first group of people to know I was pregnant. (before this child's grandparents mind you). But now people are starting to freak out at work that I will be going on leave soon at such a busy time and I have had to stand back and say "I'm sorry but I can't be the one to help you now". Its a different position that I am not used to taking. I am usually the person if asked to work extra that will usually oblige. Priorities have definitely changed, but I can't say that they are incorrect. I still take just as much time and care for my patients - I just can't take on many new ones.
On a happier note . . . kiddo actually is kicking so hard it hurts with her sharp little heels! Most people don't like to feel pain, but it makes me so happy to know that she is getting strong in there that I just relish it. I'm getting pretty excited and the nesting instinct is nuts. My mom-in-law is going to help me this weekend with some of the things I can't do myself to get the nursery ready.
I got to lay in bed this morning (woke up at 3 something unable to sleep) feeling her moving and feeling my husbands arm laying across the pile of pillows onto my stomach while he snored. It was just an awesome moment to have so much love in one place.
The good . . .no make that fantastic news . . . is that I have made it to 30 weeks and she is still cookin' in there. I am seriously thankful on a daily basis for that. My uterus has developed a mind of its own and has now started having little trial runs of painful regular contractions without any provocation. This has been nerve racking for me and for my care providers because I am not following the textbook rules of being a pregnant patient. I sometimes act like I am in preterm labor and squish my cervix and get very close to needing steroids and the works - and then things relax and go back to baseline. Fortunately I have discovered Nifedipine (a blood pressure medication used to stop contractions - really only proven to help for short periods of time). For the first time in months I have had little periods of time where I can feel and move normally albeit lightheaded. When I am not at work my rear is on the couch, but this week for the first time I finally got to go to the store and look at carseats. Now I know thats not what it is intended for but I was taking the med out on a test drive. Doesn't sound like much but I have not been able to go to any store for 6 wk so it was pretty thrilling.
The funk news is that work has kind of been circling the drain. I am not sure if people are angry with me for ditching them for 3 months or if I have offended people that maybe work isn't going to be my first priority anymore. I am coming back "part time" when I return. I was supposed to be 80% time like most of the other moms with little ones, but instead I only got to drop to 88% because of the way my job is structured. I don't think some people are especially happy with my decision and where I am dropping the 5 hours from and there are now meetings behind closed doors regarding staffing. (meetings I had always been invited to before - hmmmmm)
I have tried to do everything I can to be fair to my job. As my husband says "its not like they didn't know this was going to happen or that there wasn't time to prepare." The people I work with closely been aware of the infertility and ttc for a long time and they were in the first group of people to know I was pregnant. (before this child's grandparents mind you). But now people are starting to freak out at work that I will be going on leave soon at such a busy time and I have had to stand back and say "I'm sorry but I can't be the one to help you now". Its a different position that I am not used to taking. I am usually the person if asked to work extra that will usually oblige. Priorities have definitely changed, but I can't say that they are incorrect. I still take just as much time and care for my patients - I just can't take on many new ones.
On a happier note . . . kiddo actually is kicking so hard it hurts with her sharp little heels! Most people don't like to feel pain, but it makes me so happy to know that she is getting strong in there that I just relish it. I'm getting pretty excited and the nesting instinct is nuts. My mom-in-law is going to help me this weekend with some of the things I can't do myself to get the nursery ready.
I got to lay in bed this morning (woke up at 3 something unable to sleep) feeling her moving and feeling my husbands arm laying across the pile of pillows onto my stomach while he snored. It was just an awesome moment to have so much love in one place.
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